[identity profile] stormymood.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] arashi_exchange
A piece of rainbow for [livejournal.com profile] silverdoll14 Part 3




Sho doesn’t even know how Masaki knows where he is and how he found out what happened, but here he is…

“Get away from there, Sho-chan,” he says and takes his arm to tug him away. “I can’t believe you really went to his grave, now I can’t even be as mad at you as I want to be, you idiot.”

Sho tries to tug himself free from Masaki’s grip, not ready to leave the graveyard yet.

“Sho,” Masaki huffs. “I’m serious. You need to let it go. It basically ruins your life, and it ruins the life of others.”

Sho’s eyes snap up at that, and he turns around to face Masaki. “What do you mean?” he says, surprised by how hoarse he sounds.

Masaki probably realized it too, because he lets go of his hand, and hugs him all of a sudden. So tight that Sho feels he runs out of air. When Masaki lets go though, he raises his fist and hits Sho right into his face.

Sho gasps, and stumbles back. He can feel blood running down his nose, his face feeling numb suddenly. The pain however awakens his senses again, and he suddenly feels the tight feeling in his stomach again. He can’t even remember how he came here after Jun had left his apartment. He has no idea.

Masaki meanwhile cries in pain and jumps around on one foot. “My thumb,” he whines. He lets himself drop down next to Sho. “You broke my thumb!”

Sho takes his hand, and checks on it. “It’s not broken,” he says quietly. “Next time when you hit someone don’t keep your thumb in your fist.”

Masaki nods, and carefully moves his fingers. “I’m your bestest friend in the universe,” he says after a while. “And I’m a saint for sticking with you through your assiest years. But this here really felt good.”

Sho pulls his legs up, and hides his face in his knees, not minding that he spreads the blood from his nose there. “I don’t know what to do, Ma-chan. I just don’t know. I thought it would be best to make him leave. He has a bright future ahead of him.”

“Do you feel better now?” Masaki asks all of a sudden. “Did it make you feel better to break his heart so that he would move on?”

“Not at all,” Sho admits quietly. “I’ve never felt that miserable and low in my whole life. Like the worst person in the universe. You should have seen the look in his eyes. It was horrible. I was horrible. I just want him to have a bright future and a great career.”

“Sho-chan,” Masaki says after a while. “You can’t decide the future of another person. You can only decide on your own. Jun can have a bright future with and without you. It’s not for you to decide what he wants and what kind of future he wants. How do you know that the future you picked for him is the one that makes him happy? How can you be sure that just by breaking his heart he will suddenly change everything and do what you want him to do? It doesn’t work like this, Sho.”

Somewhere far away in his mind Sho is amazed by the amount of wisdom Masaki just told him. Right now his mind doesn’t apprehend it all, just… “I told him it was just plain sex,” he admits. “And he thought he wasn’t good enough, and I didn’t even tell him that he was. More than good enough.”

Aiba tilts his head, a thoughtful expression on his mind. “So that’s what happened?” he says after a while, his voice quiet, and Sho doesn’t quite dare to ask what he means. “You are so stupid. You don’t make someone happy by hurting him. Every child knows that.”

Sho points at the direction behind him. “But he-“

“Oh god, I’m getting really frustrated with you,” Masaki huffs. “Taka-chan’s death is not your fault. He didn’t kill himself because he had a relationship with you! He killed himself because he was suffering from heavy depressions. Jun has a sad past, but nothing he would kill himself over. However when you sent him away, he sat in the freezing cold approximately for six hours, until Ninomiya coincidentally found him. Imagine if he wouldn’t have? So much for a bright future.”

“What?” Sho presses out. What the hell happened!? He didn’t want Jun to get hurt, that’s why he sent him away in the first place. He is young, he shouldn’t stick with someone who stops him from becoming happy and leading a good life.

“Your self-pity is really annoying,” Masaki groans angrily and brushes over his trousers. He gets up and tugs Sho with him. “Let’s go away from here. It’s freaking depressing. If you want to wallow in your illogical guilt, do so, but stop dragging the others with you. When was the last time you were actually nice to me, your best friend? And then you fall in love with a cute guy and hurt him deliberately because you think you are a hindrance to him? Way to go. Now I get what they mean with emotional intelligence being a whole different topic. I’m fucking mad at you, just so you know.”

Sho lets Masaki tug him along and scold him and ramble while he throws a glance back.

Masaki seems to realize it too. “Say good-bye, Sho-chan,” he says, almost softly now.

“But…” Sho pauses, not sure what he really wants to say.

“Isn’t it that by leaving Jun you wanted to protect yourself? Isn’t it just an excuse that you want Jun to have a bright future? You just don’t want yourself to get hurt. Don’t you see it? Learn to say good-bye.”

“Is it really okay?” Sho asks quietly. “To say good-bye?”

“Yes.” Masaki nods earnestly. “It is. Tonight we’ll do something we should have done way before. We’ll collect all your memories from Taka-chan, the ones that hold you back, not the good ones, and burn them. Tonight you’ll let go.”

“You’ll help me with that?” Sho asks in surprise, wondering why Masaki is still here for him while obviously in the last years Sho wasn’t really nice to him.

“Yes, because I’m just so awesome.” Masaki sighs. “We’ll go to Satoshi’s cottage first though. It’s pretty close, and we need to clean ourselves up. You look like a zombie with the blood on your face. Totally grotesque.”

Masaki’s last comment draws the first small smile from Sho. Then he is seriously again. “I will never be able to make this up to Jun again.”

“Probably not, But we’ll work on this too,” Masaki promises.


~~~


“You are not running away, are you?” Shun asks, panic in his voice.

“No, Shun, I’m not,” Jun promises. He sits on the floor of his room and packs his bag. Nino is helping him because his own backpack was packed within fifteen minutes. Unbelievable that Nino only needs a few t-shirts and two pair of trousers.

“I can’t believe you need so much stuff,” Nino complains on the other hand. “Why do you need a moisturizer crème for example? How old are you!?”

“You know, in ten years when your face will be all wrinkly, I’ll make you remember these words,” Jun teases.

Nino smiles, and Jun actually feels proud about that. After his break-down he had spent days crying, then he mostly felt embarrassed, really embarrassed. How could he sink that low? He doesn’t want anyone to see him like that anymore. For this reason he is going to change for good. This time for real. He should have done that two years ago after his brother and father died, but he was too weak to do it back then. Now he wants to work on each of his issues.

Nino tells him it’s okay to show his emotions and to cry over Sho and be sulky and sad, but Jun has had enough. He just doesn’t want to be that sad person anymore. He just can’t… He knows if he continues like that he is going to break apart, and he can’t let this happen. If he does, he might not find his way back into the light again. Last time Nino, Masaki and Ohno-sensei were there, but next time they might not be in time, and he will remain in the darkness. Sometimes when he thinks of Sho, he starts crying, but he tries not to let it happen too often, and definitely not when someone is watching.

When Ohno proposed this internship to him with a lot of convincing words and a letter from Nagase-san, Jun knew he used tricks to make him accept it. It wouldn’t have been necessary to use these tricks. After all he owes Ohno and Masaki, and particularly Nino, that he is still standing here, and he is eager to pay them back for their kindness. So if they think it would be the best to go to London for two months, he will.

“So you really will come back?” Shun asks again, worry in his eyes. “You won’t disappear.”

“No,” Jun promises quietly. “I’m just going to change everything I am.”

Nino opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. It’s better like that anyway.


~~~


The weeks in London are everything Jun expected and more. Frist of all he gets in touch with the dancing scene again, with Ohno’s help learning to switch off his mind and just enjoying the moment. With Nino’s help he learns to just enjoy himself. They play games, eat, Jun finds his liking in cooking again. And he goes shopping. In fact he decides to let go of his normally so shy self and just seriously buy all the things he has always wanted to have. He gets rid of his old wardrobe and exchanges them with stuff he wanted to wear since years ago, but felt too insecure to really own it. Sometimes Nino complains and grumbles something about heartbroken girls going shopping, and changing their hairstyle, but most of the time he tugs along, and even enjoys his time.

“Do you think I can wear this?” he asks Nino and shows him tight black jeans with glittery buttons on the side.

“J, the ballet dancer you made me watch yesterday was wearing tights that were even tighter. I’m still having nightmares of this moment. If he can squeeze himself into that and still be able to have his dick rise when he has sex, you can wear these jeans.”

Jun chuckles slightly. “Fine,” he agrees. “I can’t believe I bought that much.” He frowns.

“I for one can’t believe I ate that much,” Nino complains. “It’s all your fault for cooking such delicious things. Even Oh-chan gained a few pounds. But you and him work out by dancing, I don’t.”

“Ah,” Jun teases. “Aren’t we cute.”

Nino grins and throws a pillow into his directions. Then they settle down on the floor to play a round of Mario Kart. The scholarship Ohno organised for them provides them with a nice room in an even nicer hotel. And both of them decided to take these two months to just do stuff they enjoy. That’s their deal, and the reason Nino accompanies Jun shopping and Jun plays games with Nino. They go swimming in the hotel pool, take the massage offers and visit the sauna, go to the movies, eat what they want, try new things, rode a rollercoaster in a nearby amusement park, visited towns close to London, went sight-seeing and just enjoy their time. A vacation for their soul, Nino calls it.

After Nino won thrice in a row and he obviously lets Jun win the last game though he vehemently pretends he didn’t, they stretch down on the ground. Jun has borrowed three movies for them to watch, and prepared some interesting self-made candy – YouTube do it yourselves, thank you!

“J,” Nino asks after a while. “Do you still think of…” He pauses, apparently not sure how to continue.

“Sho?” Jun helps him, and it hurts to say his name, more than he has expected. None of them has mentioned his name during the last two months, neither did Ohno. To say it now makes it almost too real again.

Nino nods warily.

“Yes,” Jun admits honestly, his stomach twisting. “Is it bad that I’m not over him?”

Nino squeezes his hand. “You take all the time you need,” he says softly. “You don’t need to be over him yet.”

“What am I going to do once we return?” Jun wants to know, finally voicing his biggest fear. It was easy to switch off his mind here, but once they return, he will be back to all the memories he shared with Sho.

“You just do what you want to do,” Nino tells him. “You owe no one an explanation. The only person who is allowed to judge you is yourself. You want to talk to Sho, then do. You want to yell at him - fine. You don’t want to, then ignore him!” He pauses. “And did you think about changing your main subject?”

Jun bites down on his lips. “Yes.”

“And?”

“I’m going to take classes at the dance department,” Jun says quietly.

“But?” Nino wants to know.

“I won’t give up my economic classes. It’s not like I love them, but I think my future might be easier if I have a second asset. I’m not quite sure yet what I’m going to do in the future,” he admits. “But I think this might a compromise.”

“You are not doing it because of your family, are you?” Nino wants to know. “I’m sure your father would have wanted-“

“Wanted me to do what makes me happy?” Jun asks, and has to laugh bitterly. It’s a bitter but not a painful laugh though, much to his own surprise. “My mother left him because of her career. He was never happy that I liked dancing. We fought a lot because of it. My brother always intervened. When they had the accident, they were actually on the way to watch me perform in a stage play. So, I doubt he would have wanted me to focus on dancing. So… I’ll try it this way now.”

“Fine.” Nino gives in. “Say, Jun…”

“Hm?”

“What would you do if Sho made another move on you?” he asks. “Let’s say he apologizes and has a pretty good explanation for everything. What would you do?”

Jun blinks in surprise. He hasn’t thought about this at all. What a weird question indeed. Does Nino know something he doesn’t? He lets out a sigh. “Truth be told, I don’t think he likes me,” he says, remembering the painful morning when Sho told him it was just sex. The memory alone makes his chest tighten already.

“But what if?”

“I don’t know,” Jun admits quietly. “I really don’t know.”

~~~

“Excuse me,” Nino exclaims and leads their way through the masses of students that apparently followed their internship with interest throughout the last few months. Way to become popular fast. “Make place for the chubby old man, the scarecrow and the beauty.”

Jun frowns. “Who are you calling scarecrow?” he wants to know. “Yourself? Seriously? Every second student here hits on you and you call yourself scarecrow?”

Nino grins. “Next to you I feel like one certainly. Never thought you would become that hot, really. Two months away to clear your mind and clean your soul, and work out, and look what happened? You have abs~”

Jun blushes. “I’m not hot!”

“Sure babe,” Nino says casually, and grins. “Tell that to your tight butt and your trained body. Maybe I should start dancing too.”

“Hey,” Ohno stops their babbling. “Why is none of you intervening when this brat calls me chubby and old?”

Nino and Jun exchange a glance, and burst into giggles.

“Very funny,” Ohno pouts.

Nino and Jun continue chatting in a low tone, both of them feeling a bit uncomfortable at the fuss they are creating. It’s probably going to die down soon, gladly. Then however, completely expectantly Jun sees a well-known figure. It’s Sho. He apparently just passed the entrance hall and pauses too, watching them with this serious expression he always has, that look that made and still makes Jun’s knees go wobbly. Damn it, he has prepared so many strategies for when he meets Sho again, but it all seems to be in vain now that he actually sees him again. Who is he even kidding? You can’t forget someone in a few weeks, impossible.

For a short moment their eyes meet and there is something in Sho’s eyes that he can’t quite read. He looks tired and drained, and Jun wonders what he actually went through the last weeks. Still the look in his eyes is also calming and weirdly soft, and suddenly Jun feels like he is going to lose the ground beneath his feet any time.

Gladly though right at that moment Aiba waltzes through the students, and grabs their arms. “May I abduct you two sweet princes?”

“Did he just call us sweet and prince in one sentence?” Nino asks with a frown.

Jun smiles, and is entirely relieved that he has an excuse not to look at Sho.


~~~


Sho hasn’t expected it to hit him so strong to see Jun again. What makes it worse is to see him so different from before. He changed his appearance quite a bit, not the cute, nervous guy anymore. He is a lot more stoic and dresses perfectly, apparently choosing his wardrobe really careful now. And it seems like he tries to come off as stoic and casual as possible. His popularity basically tripled over night. To Sho he was always been beautiful. He has these deep, intense eyes, this vivid expression, beautiful hair, prominent features. But now that he took some time off and trained quite a lot, he obviously found a way to underline all these features.

What pains Sho is to know that it was him who made Jun think he is not good enough the way he was. And although Jun might have wanted to change things long ago, it makes Sho fill with guilt to know that their affair was what gave him the last push.

He meets Ohno the same evening for dinner.

“Tell me you didn’t cook yourself,” Ohno whines.

“Rest reassured,” Sho smiles. “I ordered something.”

“Thank god,” Ohno sighs.

Originally he was fuming mad at him. When Sho and Masaki went to his cottage to clean themselves up and to find a way to make Sho’s mind whole again, Ohno visited them, and Sho is pretty sure he was ready to beat him up. Hence he decided to be completely honest with him, which much to his surprise worked. Ohno was still mad back then, but at least didn’t beat him up.

“So, how was your trip?” Sho asks casually when he and Ohno settle down for the first dish. Nigiri.

“Jun-san’s fine,” Ohno answers.

Sho blushes madly. “I didn’t ask that.”

“Yeah, right, because you want to hear about mine and Nino’s trip to London.” Ohno sighs. “Ask him, Sho-san. You can talk to him.”

“I doubt I can,” Sho points out. “He might throw the door into my face.”

“Probably.” Ohno smiles warily. “He developed quite some claws. He is a lot stronger now. Starting dancing again boosted his confidence. But I think he still likes you.”

“How do you know?” Sho wants to know.

“Nobody stops loving someone in a few weeks. He might be mad and hurt, but once you explain to him what you told me, I’m pretty sure he will slowly accept the truth.” Ohno sighs. “Don’t you think it’s bad that he thinks you don’t like him at all? That he isn’t good enough for you? Wouldn’t you feel better if he knew that in reality you feel a lot for him?”

“Yes,” Sho admits quietly. “I would feel a lot better then. Talking about that, I saw his name on some classes of the science department. I thought he would change his main subjects.”

“That’s a problem indeed,” Ohno agrees. “He did apply to some dancing classes too, but I think he is still afraid to change to it completely.”

“Hm,” Sho hums, frowning slightly. Why are you still wavering, sweet Jun?

“Something else,” Ohno says, his eyes having this certain glance that Sho knows immediately he is going to touch a topic he won’t like.

“Something worse than my relationship with Jun?” Sho blinks. “Seriously, Ohno-kun?”

“Well, maybe not worse,” Ohno offers. “But you won’t like it.” He pauses, and Sho looks at him expectantly. “Nagase-san wants you to tutor a few more students. You were pretty successful with Jun after all… well aside from falling in love with him and breaking his heart, but Nagase doesn’t know that.” He pauses. “So, what do you think?”

“No,” Sho answers immediately. “We know what happened the last time!”

“Yes.” Ohno nods. “The last time you fell in love with your student, and he with you. But you had too many issues to make it work. Do you really think that’s going to happen with every student?”

“Of course not,” Sho huffs. “Jun is special. No one is like him. He is kind, and cute, and sincere. He watches out for others and is very attentive. No one is like him!” Ohno smiles all of a sudden, so that Sho blinks. “What?”

“You should have listened to yourself now,” Ohno points out softly. “You should tell all that to Jun-san. Even if he is mad now, I think he will be happy to hear it. And concerning the previous topic…” He pauses. “I think you should continue tutoring. Yes, you slipped sometimes with Jun, because you were still uncertain, but you are a good teacher. Better than you think you are. Just think about it.”


~~~


Many things about his talk with Ohno bother and bug him during the next days, but the one he thinks about most is that Jun is still wary about the path he should choose. It’s so weird how everyone seems to recognize how great he is, just he himself can’t.

Sho knows that Jun probably isn’t ready to talk to him, because the few times they met on the corridor Jun had changed the direction, immediately engulfed another person in a talk or just looked plain uncomfortable, or ignored him directly. But Sho really can’t think about it now. He just has to talk to him.

He is lucky to find Jun in an empty rehearsal room where he is just about to pack together his stuff.

“Jun-san?”

The look of horror in Jun’s eyes does hurt, but it’s nothing he doesn’t deserve, so he swallows down his nervousness. “You are taking a few classes here?”

Jun apparently gets the upper hand of his behaviour again, and nods calmly. “Yes, sensei.”

“I don’t quite understand it,” Sho muses.

Jun looks at him in surprise. “What do you mean? Is there something not to understand about it,” he asks calmly.

Sho decides that their talk won’t probably be able to last long, so he gets down to business immediately. “You like dancing, you are really passionate about it, still I’m seeing you in my department too.”

Something in Jun’s eyes flickers, he looks almost angry for a moment, but he regains his composure immediately. Something about that detached and calm attitude of his is truly unsettling. “So?” Jun chuckles, and it sends a shiver down Sho’s spine because it sounds so dangerous. “By now you probably know that my father was never happy with my choice of career. He wouldn’t have wanted me to focus on dancing alone.”

“This is stupid.” Sho shakes his head. “You use your father as an excuse. And yes, he might not have approved of your choice, but in the end you need to be the one leading your life, you are the one that’s going to look back on your decisions in twenty years and bug yourself with what ifs. You will have regrets, not someone else. Parents want their children to live a safe and easy life, and not choose something difficult, but at the same time they want their children to be passionate about what they do. In the end it’s only your decision that counts.”

Jun’s expression goes through various feelings until he finally glares at Sho directly, something completely new for Sho as he hasn’t seen that expression on Jun’s face before. “What do you understand!?” Jun huffs. “You don’t understand anything about me,” he says harshly and stomps off.

Sho swallows and sighs. Yes, he probably doesn’t. He realizes that although they talked so much before Jun hardly ever shared something private about his life. He doesn’t know anything about Jun.

To be honest he almost expects Ohno to yell at him for unsettling Jun, but much to his surprise his friend just grins at him, and doesn’t say anything. He only tells him that apparently Jun is thinking about joining some sort of competition now, something he heavily declined before.


~~~

Jun throws the bag on his bed and kicks his shoes into the corner of the room, all the while huffing in annoyance.

“Did something happen?” Aiba asks unnecessarily while exchange a glance with Nino. They were supposed to have dinner together, with Shun too.

“Whatever it is,” Nino teases and saves Jun’s shoes from getting kicked once more. “Don’t let it out on the shoes. They have feelings too~”

Jun ignores him. “Who does he think he is!?” he blurts out in anger.

“Who?” Nino asks completely dumbfounded.

“SHO!” Jun huffs. “Who do you think I’m talking about!? He was the one kicking me out! Why the hell does he think my choice for the future is his business now? Who does he think he is? What the fuck is wrong with that idiot?”

Aiba and Nino exchange a glance, and it pisses Jun off even more. “Why are you looking like that?” he yells.

“No need to yell at us,” Nino says in his perfect casual voice that weirdly enough always works miracles on Jun.

Jun sighs and nods.

Aiba coughs, probably trying to deescalate the situation. “So, you met Sho?” he asks, apparently wanting to get down to the facts first.

“Yes,” Jun grumbles. “That awful idiot! First he fucks me, then he throws me away like garbage and now he meddles with my business.”

“Yeah,” Nino says quietly. “I can understand why you are mad. I would be too.”

“But,” Aiba looks a little helpless, probably because Sho is his friend, Jun knows and respects that but he can’t be considerate about it right now. “He probably only meant well. What did he say?”

“I was about to leave one of the rehearsal rooms and then he was there, and asked me why I didn’t change my main subject, and why I don’t do what I obviously want to do. He said I’m using my father as an excuse. And that parents want their children to be safe and stuff, but also that they should be passionate in what they do.”

Nino grimaces slightly. “Sensitivity has never been his strength.”

Jun frowns, catching Nino’s tone immediately. “But you think he is right,” he says, glaring at his friend.

“I think,” Nino apparently tries to choose his words as carefully as possible. “In his weird twisted mind he really really likes you. That’s why he can’t let you go although he did kick you out.”

“He said,” Jun continues before he can stop himself, as he remembers what else Sho said. “That I need to be the one able to look back at my life once without regretting my decisions. He-“ His voice trails off, what Sho said was so deep and… Fuck it, why is it that the things Sho says to him still confuse and influence him so much. “I need pizza now,” he says calmly. He doesn’t want to talk about Sho anymore, and he doesn’t want to think about what Nino just said, that maybe Sho really likes him. He just doesn’t want to think about it anymore. “And beer.”

Apparently his voice pretty much showed how serious he was, because the other two just nod and agree.


~~~


Jun does what every other young guy in his situation would do – at least that’s what he tells himself to be convinced: He goes out to meet someone else. Going out for a dance in a club is basically how one meets someone, right? And it would make him forget Sho. Finally. Forget him, get over him, find a new love. Jeez, can’t be that difficult.

Jun nods to himself, and enters so-said hot club that’s basically the thing right now. The music is loud and it’s stuffed, and he really doesn’t feel comfortable here. He almost wishes he would have brought Nino or Shun along, but Shun is on a field trip and Nino hates clubs like this. Besides he would probably be nagging at him for going out and finding himself a guy this way. He could almost hear his voice of reasoning in his mind.

For a moment Jun stands a little helpless at the bar, glad that he is at least old enough to order himself something to drink so that he wouldn’t feel too out of place. Then he moves towards the dance floor, and does what he feels most comfortable with. He dances, trying to blend in with the music and the beat. It’s nothing special he does, just enjoying the moment and feeling the beat. When he opens the eyes, he can see some people checking him out. Ugh, it feels more embarrassing than he thought it would. He hurries down from the dance floor again, and towards the counter, ready to empty his drink and just disappear from here, when suddenly a guy leans next to him. He is tall, has dark hair and a crooked smile. He looks good, handsome – nothing like Sho though. Sho might not be the in-your-face kind of good-looking, but he truly is. He… Jun swallows when he realizes he is doing it again… thinking about this idiot.

“You alone here?” the guy asks, his voice is a bit hoarse like he drank too much.

Jun swallows down his discomfort and sends the guy a teasing smile. “Yes. Why?”

“Well, saw you dancing up there,” the guy says and points at the stage.

“And liked what you saw?” Jun wants to know.

The guy laughs. “I think I was not the only one who liked what he saw.”

Ugh, flirting. Jun tries not to grimace in discomfort. He truly hates that stuff. “Is that so,” he muses.

“Want to leave?” the guy offers, and Jun actually thinks that this is the best idea of the evening. Out of this horribly loud club and into the fresh air.

He nods. “Let’s go.”

While he is walking next to the guy he wonders how someone actually initiates a talk with someone he doesn’t know… it’s more difficult than he expected it to be. What is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to get to know this guy? Wait a moment… what’s his name anyway? “Say,” Jun says, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “What’s your name?”

The guy chuckles. “Is that important?”

Why the hell would a flirt not tell you his name!? Jun huffs inwardly. Also he has to admit that on a second glance the guy, although still good-looking, was also looking a bit shady. Awesome.

“You know,” Jun muses and pretends to just be surprised by a look at his watch. “Oh my god, I completely forgot the time. I have an appointment in five minutes.”

The guy stops. “You leave me hanging like that?” he asks, frowning. “I left the club because of you!”

He left the club because he asked Jun to go with him! Get your facts straight, pathetic idiot! Jun shakes his head. “I’m serious,” he says earnestly. “I need to go.”

The guy grabs his wrist, and pushes him against the wall. “And I’m serious too,” he huffs before he captures Jun’s lips and kisses him.

For a moment Jun feels his stomach turn upside down. He is getting kissed by that idiot!? No way! He tries to shove him aside, but the guy doesn’t move an inch, and he is freaking tall. Jun’s body suddenly tenses up, as the realisation sinks in. There is no one around them, he has let his guard down so much that this guy led him to a deserted path before jumping him. Oh my god, how could he be so reckless!? His stomach tenses in fear. What now?

Just don’t think!

Jun takes a deep breath inwardly, before using all the strength he has and kicking that guy into his stomach with his knee. The guy wavers in shock, and Jun takes the moment of shock to just run, while trying to find his orientation again. What’s the fastest way back to the main street!?

He has no time to think because that guy is behind him, he can hear his panting while he chases him through the street. Jun’s pretty sportive and fast, but the nameless dude is too, and he has the longer legs. Jun is about to turn around a corner, when he feels the guy’s hand around his wrist, tugging him back and smashing him against the wall. “You little bitch,” the guy huffs and slaps him so hard that Jun drops to the ground. He tries to regain his senses and roll away but the guy is straddling his hips soon, pushing him into the ground and slapping him again.

Inside his mouth it tastes like iron, but Jun doesn’t have any time to wonder if he is bleeding or not, he just wants to get this guy off him. Oh my god, he doesn’t want him to rape him here and there. Please not. He struggles like crazy, not ready to give up, all the while yelling for help.

“Stop making so much noise!” The guy yells and hits him once more. He is about to slap him again, when Jun suddenly sees a lengthy object swinging past them and basically knocking the guy from him. An umbrella. Someone used an umbrella. “What are you doing!?” an angry voice yells. “Get away from him!” The nameless guy moans in pain, and rolls to the side. Before the other man can hit him again, he is already up his feet and running away. “Fuck it,” Jun’s saviour huffs.

Jun’s heart is beating so fast that he feels like it’s going to jump out of his chest. He is beyond realizing and hearing anything, there is a ringing sound in his ears and it gets louder and louder. He does only remotely realize the man turns around and eyes him in sudden horror. “Jun!?”

Jun’s not ready to take it up with another guy, so he jumps up and just runs. He doesn’t even know where he runs to, just… anywhere is okay. The man is behind him, and the ringing in Jun’s ears gets even stronger. He stumbles over a branch at the ground, but before he can drop down, the man has grabbed his arm, preventing him from falling.

“Jun!” he says beggingly. “Jun, calm down, dear, it’s me!”

The ringing in his ears subsides slightly, and he looks up at the guy holding his arm. “Sho-san?” he breaths out. “Oh my god, it’s you.” His legs feel wobbly and he has to sit down.

“Jun,” Sho says helplessly, and kneels down next to Jun. He reaches out his hands, probably to hug him or to stop him from trembling.

“Don’t…” Jun mumbles. He pushes Sho’s hand away, and wraps his own arms around his body. “Don’t touch me. Please don’t.” Sho stops the movement of his hands midway. “Don’t you understand,” Jun mumbles. “I just want to get you out of my head. If you are so kind again, I can’t forget you.”

“I’m sorry,” Sho says quietly, and sounds miserable. “I’m so sorry.”

Jun isn’t quite sure what Sho apologizes for, he doesn’t get him at all, but when Sho tries again, he lets him hug him.


~~~

At one point Jun lets Sho drag him back home and up to his apartment. It feels weird to enter it again, and remember what happened the last time he was there. Sho seems to realize his discomfort too, because he starts rambling around and talks nonsense probably to diffuse the tension. Then he gives up. “I’ll make us tea,” he offers, with an unusual small smile. “The usual?”

Jun nods.

Sho switches on the light of the kitchen and starts rummaging there, and it’s such a well-known feeling for Jun that his stomach spins around in despair. He is almost glad that his body still aches, so that he can focus on that instead.

A few minutes later there is a cup with damping tea in front of him, green tea, as usual, and Sho takes the first aid kid into his hands, opening it and placing it on the table, while he forces Jun to keep sitting on the sofa.

He grabs Jun’s chin between his fingers and turns his face slightly, a deep frown on his forehead. “Jun-kun, he hit you pretty bad.” He brushes with his thumb over a bruised spot on Jun’s cheek. Jun winces, and Sho pulls back immediately. “Sorry,” Sho stutters. “I didn’t want to force a touch on you and-“

Is this what he thinks? “No,” Jun blurts out, interrupt him. “That’s not it. It just…” he blushes. “Hurts.”

“Oh.” Sho blinks, and blushes too. “Sorry.” He points at the first aid kid awkwardly. “May I?” he asks.

Jun shrugs and nods, not sure what he really thinks about this here, but he has limited options at the moment, and Sho helping him out is better than being all alone – at least that’s what he tries to convince himself into believing. Still, his heart jumps a beat every time Sho’s fingers move over his face, his stomach twists whenever Sho mumbles soft encouraging words when he touches painfully bruised parts.

None of them talks, there is just the sound of Sho’s breathing and little raindrops against the window. Jun hasn’t even realized that it’s raining. It’s so comfortable all of a sudden like time just stopped and they are back to a few months ago.

Then however Sho’s finished, cleaning away everything. He doesn’t stand up though, but keeps kneeling in front of Jun, reaching out both his hands to take Jun’s face between them. He rubs over his cheeks softly. “Jun, do you know the name of the guy?”

Jun shakes his head.

“Anything?”

“He has a tattoo,” Jun finally says almost like a robot. “And when I fought against him, I scratched his cheek with my nails. I think he is a regular at the club.”

“Good enough. I’ll find him for sure,” Sho says grimly, his thumbs brushing over Jun’s cheeks again. “It must have been so scary, Jun, are you alright?”

Jun swallows. It was scary. So scary that he doesn’t want to think of it anymore, and the image of this guy will probably haunt him in his sleep for a while. “It’s going to be fine,” he says.

Sho shifts around nervously. “Jun… I,” he starts, biting down on his lips.

Jun waits for him to continue, but he doesn’t. “You look tired,” Jun says, mainly to make conversation, and because it’s true. He puts his own hands on Sho’s who is still holding his face.

“I did some cleaning up,” Sho admits quietly.

For a moment it’s quiet again. “Pretty pathetic, huh?” Jun finally says, not able to hide the miserable tone in his voice. “That this guy almost got me.”

“Don’t say that!” Sho huffs, sounding unusual firm. “You shouldn’t feel embarrassed, the other guy should! You did nothing wrong.”

“I should have been more careful,” Jun points out.

“I hate it when the victim gets blamed,” Sho argues. He shakes Jun’s shoulders slightly. “Even when it’s the victim himself.”

Jun is not convinced. Well, he would be convinced if it was someone else they were talking about, but looking at himself he just feels miserable. Apparently it showed all over his face because Sho suddenly leaps forward and hugs him tightly. Jun doesn’t even have the time to react and he is glad he doesn’t need to, because what is he supposed to do? It feels alluring to just snuggle against Sho’s arms and be surrounded by this well-known feeling, but in the end it’s just useless. It just reminds him of how Sho doesn’t like him the way he likes Sho, and that he will never be his.

Sho pulls away a bit, and checks on Jun thoughtfully. “You got rid of your glasses,” he says all of a sudden.

“Still have a pair,” Jun explains. “A new one.”

“And you wear your hair differently.”

Jun nods.

“And your clothes.”

Jun blinks. What’s all that supposed to mean. Duh, yes. “Is there a problem?” he asks sceptically.

“You look so pretty,” Sho says almost nervously. “So beautiful.” His words make Jun blink in surprise. “And you are a lot more confident. You changed so much.”

“Really?” Jun asks in disbelief.

“I just want you to know that…” Sho pauses, shifting around in an unusual nervous way. “…that you were fine the way you were. Nothing was wrong with you. You were always beautiful.” He pauses again. “I made you change, didn’t I? It’s my fault.”

What is he supposed to say now? Yes? You were the last straw? He can’t say it, although Sho was cruel to him, he can’t. “I wanted to change a few things for a while already,” he says, and it’s not even a lie.

Sho looks a bit sad. “I made you believe you weren’t good enough. But you were, you still are, and always will be. Don’t listen to a douchebag who tells you you aren’t.”

Jun’s throat feels dry all of a sudden. Is this idiot seriously going to make him cry… AGAIN! He swallows. “It’s okay,” he finally manages to mutter helplessly. He doesn’t even know what he thinks is okay. He has planned on hating Sho forever, but with Sho right in front of him, he can’t.

Sho shows him a careful smile and squeezes his arms. “We both know it’s isn’t,” he says softly, but his mood seems to be a bit better. Weirdly so.


~~~

When Jun comes back to his room Ohno is there, lying on the sofa, upper body naked and skimming through one of Nino’s manga. Jun is actually amazed by how comfortable Ohno got and by how he doesn’t even try to hide his relationship with Nino in front of him. “Woah, late J,” Nino comments with a grin.

“Hm,” Ohno muses. “You look a bit like someone hit you though.” The words hardly left his mouth that he sits up. “Someone did!”

“Not a big deal,” Jun says because he really doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. “A guy attacked me.”

“What do you mean someone attacked you?” Nino asks sharply, and shoves Ohno aside to have a better look at Jun.

“Please don’t worry anymore,” Jun begs. “It’s true, someone attacked me and it almost turned out pretty bad for me but someone saved me and-“

“Someone?” Ohno asks, still looking slightly panicked.

Jun lets out a sigh. “Fine,” he gives in. “I went out, a guy chased me, Sho-san coincidentally passed by and saved me.”

“Sho?” Ohno asks and looks a bit more relieved now.

Jun nods.

“God, you young guys mean nothing but trouble,” Ohno sighs. “One can’t leave you guys alone, really.”

Nino throws him a glare, and then hurries to Jun’s side. “Must have been freaking scary,” he says quietly. “Come, let’s order tons of fat and heavy stuff, and eat. Satoshi pays.”

“He does?” Ohno asks and pulls his eyebrows up.

“For sure, he does!” Nino huffs.

Much to Jun’s surprise it feels good to hear their banter. It almost makes him feel relaxed again. He hasn’t even realized how tensed he truly was. In the daze that follows this night he really dreams of that scary guy, but he also sees Sho and how he saved him. That’s it, he thinks, he feels so safe with Sho. That’s probably why he fell in love with him.


~~~


“You don’t pamper and sweet-talk a person you don’t like,” Aiba says while he puts a bowl with cereal on his tray. “And I mean like… as in…” He makes a suggestive gesture with his mouth. “Like.

Jun sighs. He has met Sho coincidentally a few times, and this time didn’t run away from him. They even talked, and Sho treated him to a coffee once, but nothing else. He didn’t initiate anything. That’s exactly what he tells Aiba.

“That’s because he is a chicken,” Aiba grumbles, and Nino grins at that.

“He probably just wants to be friends,” Jun points out. “He doesn’t initiate anything, and there would have been plenty of opportunities.”

Aiba grumbles something incomprehensible at that, something alongside the words old idiot in between. Then he lets out a sigh. “At least he softened up a lot,” he says. “He got a lot more self-reflective, softer and more considerate of others. You made him change, Jun. That’s awesome. Hope it will help him tutoring the next bunch of student for the private lessons.”

Jun halts in his step, his body basically going motionless. TUTORING!? Sho is fucking tutoring students!? And he didn’t even tell him or… oh my god, why does he even bother? Sho is a free man, he can do whatever he wants without telling him anything or without asking him if he wants to join. So much about possible feelings.

Jun grimly throws a little bag with cashew nuts on his tray and approaches their table.

“I said too much didn’t I?” Aiba asks all of a sudden.

“Not at all.” Jun tries to sound as indifferent as possible. “Sakurai-sensei can do as he pleases. He is a free person. I don’t mind.”


~~~


“Where did I go wrong again?” Sho whines miserably and eyes the cup of sake gloomily. “I thought Jun was slowly warming up to me again, and now he went back to ignoring me.”

“Did you say something insensitive?” Ohno wants to know.

Sho frowns. “I don’t know,” he admits.

“Or maybe you said something in your strict sensei-mode?”

“Maybe,” Sho muses.

“Or, you know, lectured him?”

“I might have…”

“Or you said something he misunderstood, and now he thinks you hate him.”

“That’s possible too,” Sho frowns.

“Or-“

“Okay, I got it!” Sho huffs. “I’m a horrible person! I don’t deserve anything or anyone.”

“Eh,” Ohno coughs. “Way to be dramatic. Did I even say that?”

“Maybe…” Aiba suddenly intervenes. “He is pissed that you are spending time with other cute students now, and didn’t tell him about it or ask him if he wants to continue your lessons. Together with your wishy-washy attitude, he might just think you don’t like him.”

Sho’s eyes snap open, and he stares at his friend in deep bewilderment. His words slowly sink in until Sho has grasped them completely, eyes widening in horror. “But, I do like him!” He says, not minding if he sounds pathetic or not. A few cups of sake work wonders.

“Eh, yeah,” Aiba says with a half-hearted smile. “I know. Ohno-san knows. You know. Jun-san doesn’t.”

“And Kazu doesn’t quite believe in you either,” Ohno points out heartlessly. “Hence he is not of much help in convincing Jun otherwise.”

“He thinks Jun could do better,” Sho says quietly. “Of course he does. He is his friend.”

“Who cares what Kazu thinks!” Ohno tells him, before shaking his head. “I mean, I do care what he thinks,” he revises his words. “It’s true that he has a different perspective on you, because he doesn’t know you the way we do. So what? Your relationship to Jun is your business only, and Jun’s. No one else’s. Aiba-san is right. The poor guy probably is getting whiplash from your attitude. Finally make a move or he will really move on this time.”

Sho blinks and empties another cup with sake. He feels like he should think it would be the best for Jun to move on for real, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to. He wants to end up with Jun and have him at his side, for forever, and not see him at the side of someone else.


~~~

Jun finds a post-it and an envelope sticking at his door, taking it with a surprised glance in all directions. Post-its were his and Sho’s thing at the beginning of whatever they were to each other.

This could only be from him, right? He eyes the envelope slightly, but in it there is only a sheet of paper with a time and a place, and with what he is supposed to wear, and on the post-it he can only read Give me one evening, only one, please, and I’ll explain everything to you. Just one more chance, Jun-san.

Jun shows the post-it to Nino, and his friend sighs. “Well,” he mumbles. “I don’t like him much, you know that, but still… I’d go.”

“Yes,” Jun says, and his heart jumps nervously. He just can’t not go. It’s impossible. Whatever it is that Sho wants to tell him now, he needs to know it. He needs closure, in whatever way it’s going to come.


~~~

Jun comes dressed in a white silky shirt with silver buttons and a pair of black trousers, almost too tight for Sho’s liking. Not because he doesn’t like Jun in tight clothes, but because he can see people checking him out, and he doesn’t want anyone to check him out. His jacket is more casual so that he isn’t too overdressed. On top of that he has clad his fingers and wrists in fashionable accessories, apparently a new-found hobby for him.

He looks so freaking good that Sho has to swallow nervously.

“Sensei.” Jun pants as he approaches him. “I mean… Sho-san, I’m sorry for being late. The bus had a delay.”

“Don’t worry.” Sho chuckles. “I know you are always too late, so I planned a little extra time.”

“Really?” Jun asks, pulling his eyes up. “Sneaky.”

Sho grins. “Sarcastic brat,” he jokes. “To imagine you were so shy when we first met.”

“Yes,” Jun snorts. “The good old times.”

It feels weird. It’s like nothing between them is off, but he knows if he won’t tell Jun what he needs to tonight, they will probably not share such an evening ever again. “Come, Jun-kun,” Sho says with a soft smile. “I have a few things to tell you, but first I want to show you something. Just one thing…”

“What?” Jun asks curiously.

Sho looks at him earnestly. “Promise me you won’t run away from me tonight. Promise me you’ll give me this whole evening.”

Jun swallows, suddenly looking nervous. “Okay,” he says after a while.

The reason Sho made him promise something like this is their first stop. He doesn’t know how Jun will react… at all. It’s the opera building they approach, and Jun is still oblivious. Judging by their outfits he probably expected Sho to have something fancy planned. It’s just when they enter the building and Jun sees the advertisements for Romeo and Juliet, danced by the modern dance company of Tokyo, that all colour gets drained from his face.

Sho takes his hand, and gives it an encouraging squeeze. “You are brave, Jun,” he whispers. “So brave. You’ll make this.”

Jun doesn’t fight him, much to his relief. He just follows him to the box seats Sho booked for them, the best places he could find, and sits down next to him. He doesn’t talk to him though, his eyes just wide and nervous in anticipation.

Truth is that Sho has no idea about ballets or modern dances or whatever. He just watched a few plays that Ohno was in, and found him good, not because he knew why he is good, but because he simply liked his dancing. He has watched Jun this one time, and found him good too. And he finds this play good.

Jun is watching it with highest concentration, and it’s when the second half of it nears its peak that Sho realizes he is crying. He smiles softly and reaches out his hand to brush the tears from his cheek, glad that he was smart enough to book them box seats where they could be alone. “You should not be afraid to follow what you love so much,” he whispers while grabbing Jun’s hand. “It’s not your fault or your dream’s fault that your family isn’t here with you anymore. They can’t support you right now, Jun, but I will. Whatever you choose, I’ll support you. Just follow your heart. As long as you are convinced of what you do, it will be fine.”

~~~

Sho buys them two cups with peach juice from the vending machine around the corner. He has reserved a table at a restaurant, but wants to give them some time before going there. He presses the cold bottle against Jun’s temples. “Here,” he says with a smile. “Drink this.”

“Why?” Jun asks all of a sudden, much to Sho’s surprise. “Why are you so nice sometimes? And how do you want to support me?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sho wants to know.

“No,” Jun answers. “It isn’t. You said it was just sex, and that I should leave you alone. What do you actually want?”

“Yes,” Sho admits quietly, remembering the night he spent with Jun and threw him out of his apartment too well. “I said this. But I lied.”

Jun turns his head, blinking in surprise. “Why? I mean… what?”

“At the same evening, when you were already asleep I received a message from the rector, telling me you did so well that you’ll even receive a scholarship. I didn’t want to stand in your way.”

“You dumped me for such a garbage reason?” Jun asks in disbelief.

“It was an excuse,” Sho tells him honestly. “An excuse I used to convince myself. Truth is years ago when I was around your age I tutored a high school student from my home town. We hit it off immediately, and became a couple. Things overstrained him though. You know, studying, and a relationship with another guy, and his depressions. He killed himself.”

Jun’s eyes widen. “What?”

“I felt responsible for it,” Sho admits. “And I carried this whole story with me for years. That’s why I didn’t admit to you, I was just scared and didn’t feel good enough. I didn’t want to be a hindrance to your happiness.”

“You promised me you won’t leave,” Jun says quietly. “You were the first guy I ever had sex with, and you promised me you would stay.”

“Yes,” Sho says quietly.

“You broke your promise.”

“I did,” Sho admits.

“You were a jerk towards me,” Jun mumbles tiredly.

“That’s also true.” Sho carefully reaches out his hand, and takes Jun’s into his. To his relief he lets him.

“And now, what do you want? I thought you might be interested, but then you didn’t initiate anything between us.”

“Because I didn’t want you to think I would take advantage of a weak moment of you,” Sho tells him, and it’s the entire truth this time. “All I wanted is to kiss you when you looked so hurt after that incident with this awful guy. And then later, when we met again, I seriously just wanted to throw you on my bed and make love to you. Well, thought I should do things properly this time.”

Jun’s lips tug. “Properly? Does that mean you want to take me out to dinner first, and then throw me on your bed and make love to me?”

“That would be an option,” Sho chuckles. He entwines their fingers. “Listen, Jun, I know things went wrong between us, and I know I did something horrible to you, no matter the reason for it. I have done a lot of self-reflection, and cleaned up my past with Masaki’s help while you were in London. Give me a chance to show you how serious I am. I love you, and I promise this time I will stay at your side. No half-hearted promises anymore. I mean it, and I want it, but I need you to want it too.”

Jun bites on his lips. “You won’t leave?” he asks, his voice quivering slightly, and Sho knows he has won.

He smiles softly. “I won’t.”

“And you really love me?”

Sho smiles, and nods.

“If you flirt with your new students, I’ll kick your butt.”

Sho chuckles. “Is this a promise or a threat?”

It draws a smile from Jun. “You won’t want to mess with me,” he teases. “I might bite otherwise.”

Sho wraps an arm around Jun’s shoulders and pulls him closer. “So, can I officially, or rather semi-officially, claim you now?”

“Yes,” Jun grins. “Fortunately for you I’m obviously crazy and couldn’t get you out of my head.”

Sho chuckles and plays with the finger of Jun’s right hand. “So let’s continue our tutor lessons…”

“Although I might switch my main subject?” Jun blinks.

Sho grins. “I was thinking about a different kind of tutoring,” he teases.

Jun blinks first, then he laughs and smacks Sho’s leg. “Nino’s right,” he grins. “You old men are so pervy.”

Sho chuckles softly while he hugs Jun from behind. “You became kinda cheeky,” he teases. “Maybe I should adapt a punishment system to my tutoring lessons with you,” he jokes.

Jun leans back into his arms. “How did you say it…” Jun muses. “Is this a promise now or a threat?”

Sho smiles and hugs Jun tighter. They are soon going to head to the restaurant and have something to eat. They will probably talk more about everything, and he expects Jun to have a few issues considering their relationship, but he doesn’t mind. It’s nothing he can’t handle. And for now he wants to enjoy the moment of calmness in which he can hold his beloved Jun in his arms. He knows this time he won’t hurt him.

Date: 2016-09-05 11:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astrangerenters.livejournal.com
They both have such sad pasts and such trouble communicating. I'm glad that in the end they're able to speak seriously and decide what future they both want together.

Date: 2016-09-06 03:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nicefinalbeam.livejournal.com
Such a journey for Sho and Jun throughout this story, from denying crushes to sacrifices, struggles and apologies. In spite of all the misunderstandings, you could see the love they had for one another underscoring everything they did. I also really liked how Ohno had the ability to give Sho some insight into how he could be a better teacher and how Jun brought that out in him. :)

Date: 2016-09-07 06:29 am (UTC)
learashi: (Default)
From: [personal profile] learashi
Two people with such sad and complicated pasts. It is wonderful that they made it through their troubles and found an understanding.
I loved the sneaky Ohmiya that was in there as well.

Date: 2016-09-15 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silverdoll14.livejournal.com
Why hello there!

I know I know I'm late. But here! And you don't know how happy you made me after reading the story especially that you made it for me!!! *celebrates*

And I thought my prompts were so lousy, but you made it so amazing!!!

I really love stories of two people carrying their own baggage, and they learn from each other to overcome it. I love how this goes through the feels... as in way deep... you make my heart go achey yet doki at the same. (Okay, I'm not being coherent, but yeah.) I also love how you inserted Ohmiya here. You are the best!!! Saikou!

I can't say anything coherent at the moment because I'm exploding with a lot of feels from this story. I hope to meet you soon! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, anon-san!

P.S. I do wonder though if you're who I think you were... Who knows~

Date: 2016-09-18 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] inaudible-d.livejournal.com
Ouch both Jun and Sho had things from their past, horrible things that made their relationship hard at the beginning. I'm happy that they could overcome those, and overcome their differences, and get together in the end. :)
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