[identity profile] stormymood.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] arashi_exchange
A piece of rainbow for [livejournal.com profile] zeon_avalanthe

Title: Close to you
Pairing: JunBa
Rating/Warnings: PG-15
Summary: Jun’s worst nightmare comes true after a pretty bad fight with Aiba. Not only does he find that nightmares can be scary, but they can stick with you, even after waking up and follow you, turning your actual life into a nightmare as well. Too bad you can’t wake up from reality – lucky if you have friends around who will try to wake you anyway.
Notes: I really hope I got this right. It’s a bit special in style and I expended the prompt just a bit. I really, really hope that you will like this and enjoy reading it.

Have you ever wondered if you can have any influence on other people’s fates? Haven’t you thought it would be wonderful to be able to make a difference in someone else’s life? Magnificent, right? I used to think like that as well – until it actually came true. I had the biggest influence on the fate of not just any person, but the one I love. And how I wish I could reverse it.


Oh, just fantastic. Sho-kun with another one of his wise speeches.


It’s quite surprising how abashed he can look, when I just bite at him. But really, I’m having it worse than him.

“Why don’t you go home?”

Of course, he’s suggesting that.

“You know I can’t do that.”

I sound tired.

“Because sitting here is going to make it any better?”

I know he means well and the challenging tone in his voice is probably supposed to make it easier for me, but I can’t help it, leaving now would make me feel like a traitor – even more than I already do.

“No, because going home is going to make me feel worse.”

I know it’s unreasonable, but I also know that’s just how it’s going to be. Sho knows it too, but he’s never been one to accept things easily.

“Jun really, you need to let it go. It’s not like you jinxed him.”

He looks worried. It’s not like I don’t appreciate it, but really, Sho-kun, it’s easy for you to say that, you don’t have to live knowing that the words that you spoke so carelessly actually came true.

“I know that.”

My words sound biting in my ears and I really don’t want to bitch at Sho, I just can’t handle the situation at all – I’m really at a total loss as of what I should do. I hear Sho sighing and I can’t help jumping slightly as I feel his hand on my shoulder. I must look broken indeed, if he feels safe touching me randomly like this – and from behind.

“I understand that it’s tough.”

His voice sounds disturbingly soothing. I don’t want to be soothed. I don’t want to be consoled. I want to suffer. I have to suffer. Because no matter what Sho might say…

“It’s really not your fault.”

That soothing voice again.

“I know you can’t accept that now. But even so, I’ll just let you know that I will repeat this as ever often as I have to. Whenever you need to, whenever you are ready to hear it and understand it. I will repeat it to you at any time.”

I feel his touch fading away and I just can’t help myself, I reach up to grab his hand with mine and urge him to prolong the contact between our bodies. He allows it simply. Of course. This is the closest we’ve been in a decade. Should I be grateful for that? Is he grateful for it? Does he enjoy a personal gain in the horrible events that led to this very moment? Is it okay to feel joy over the outcome of something that ruined so much? I grip Sho’s hand so tight I’m sure it hurts him, but he doesn’t even quiver, let alone complain. How can I feel in such a way? What kind of monster am I? I’m not even fit to sit by this bed.

“It should have been me.”

I feel that I mean the words as I say them, even though I know they hold little significance in this situation.

“So you’d have him sit here watching you instead? Would that really be any better?”

And here goes. Trust Sho to ruin your argument while you’re battling your inner demons. Even so, I can’t help but laugh bitterly.

“Are you saying I’m being selfish wanting to change places with him?”

“All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t change things for the better. The only thing that would change is that you wouldn’t feel guilty.”

His hand starts to twitch under mine, it’s probably going numb by now, but he still hasn’t complained or urged me to release it.
“So I am being selfish.”

Silence. Just fantastic.

“Jun… it’s okay to want to feel better. Even in this situation, it’s okay to protect yourself.”

“I should have protected him.”

I know that I’m merely being sulky now, this statement doesn’t even make sense. For once Sho doesn’t seem to feel any urge to point out that my statement lacks reason, though. It feels disturbing somehow. Like his change in attitude only proves that many things have changed.

“Please, try to…”

I let go of Sho’s hand finally. In fact, I almost toss it off my shoulder now as I stand to face him.

“Try to what?”

Is that husk in my voice?

“Try to get over it? Try to move on?”

My vision gets blurry – am I crying? Fuck!

“Try to forget it?”

“No, that’s not…”

Dammit, Sho, I’m not done talking.

“You don’t know a thing. You weren’t there. You don’t know how I…”

“Tell me, then.”

I stop, blinking. I haven’t expected that.

“Let me know how at fault you are concerning this.”

Sho’s voice is urgent. The way it is when something crucial needs to be done or settled. I don’t really understand what he’s about. I don’t even know how my mind settles on it. I don’t even know where to begin – and yet, my lips start to move and my voice works the sounds and I’m letting it all out. Everything.

“Aiba came back from work that night…”


“I’m back,” Aiba cheered happily.

“Welcome home,” Jun called from the kitchen.

Aiba quickly swished into the room Jun was working in, giving him an apologetic look.

“I’m late again, sorry,” he apologizes.

“It’s okay,” Jun smiled. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

“What are we having?” Aiba asked, trying to peak at the stove and get a glimpse.

Jun chuckled. “Roast beef, grilled, with balsamic vinegar sauce.”

“Wow, fancy,” Aiba said, surprised. “What’s the occasion?”

“That I love you?” Jun offered.

Aiba gave him a sweet smile and stepped right into Jun’s private space, wrapping an arm around him and pulling the man close. Jun allowed the advances willingly and even engaged in a chaste kiss. Aiba felt good against him, he smelt good, even after just coming home from a long working day and the way his lips caressed Jun’s made him feel at ease almost instantly.

“Mh,” Aiba mused as he pulled away, “I should get cleaned up.”

Jun nodded. “Just don’t take too long. We should be eating in about fifteen minutes.”

“I’ll hurry, then,” Aiba decided.

The moment he let go of Jun the younger man suddenly felt slightly cold. He watched Aiba rushing off into the bathroom and a small smile came to his lips. Aiba was really awesome. Not perfect, but definitely awesome. Jun sighed. How he wished that awesome was enough. But then, he had a meal to finish and gloomy thoughts wouldn’t get him anywhere, so he straightened himself and finished preparing dinner.

About twenty minutes later they were sitting at the table together, eating. They were silent most of the time, which wasn’t unusual. They mainly chatted after dinner, however, the air between them felt slightly tense. Jun kept eyeing Aiba nervously, wondering if the other man was sensing Jun’s distress.

“So, how was work?” Jun tried to establish a conversation.

Aiba gave him a curious look, but then shrugged. “Pretty unspectacular. They had me take my shirt off during the shoot, which surprised me a bit. I hadn’t even shaved, so they had to do it on the spot.”

Jun laughed slightly. “Why would that come as much of a surprise? You’re hot and they want to capture that, of course. Plus, it sells.”

“I don’t like shaving my chest,” Aiba complained. “It gets so itchy when the hairs grow back.”

“Feel free to use my lotion at any time,” Jun offered. “It really helps with that.”

“I’ll try it, thanks,” Aiba smiled. “How about you? How was your day?”

Jun tensed at the question.

“Ah, you know,” he muttered. “Pretty unspectacular too.”

“But didn’t you want to visit your parents?” Aiba asked.

“I did,” Jun answered vaguely.


Jun sighed. “Do we really have to do this?”

Aiba bit his lip, but then he nodded. “You said you wanted to talk to them. About us.”

“Yeah, well, it didn’t go well,” Jun explained shortly.

Aiba’s head ducked slightly. “I see,” he mumbled.

Jun sighed deeply. “I’m sorry. I just… it’s not your fault.”

“Well, I said you should talk to them,” Aiba said in a small voice.

“But it’s not your fault that they are being so…” Jun broke off, shaking his head. “I don’t even understand what’s going on. I told them years ago that I’m gay and they never uttered a single word about being displeased about it. Even my dad, he kept being all uncomplicated about it, even asking me about my love-life. I really don’t get it – why is it suddenly a big deal?”

“Well,” Aiba mused, “you said that I was the first guy you actually took to meet your parents.”


“You know, saying that you’re gay might be nothing but an abstract concept to others. It’s just a word. One that probably held little meaning to them. I’m guessing they never thought about it too much.”

“But they do understand what gay means,” Jun argued.

“Even so,” Aiba pressed his point, “it’s different when you’re suddenly looking at a face, at a man and whatever you might have been just imagining is suddenly turning very real. I can imagine that it’s not easy looking at someone while you can’t help thinking `He’s fucking my son´.”

“Oh… why do you have to make this ugly now?” Jun asked, frowning.

“I’m merely saying that that’s probably how it was for them to meet me,” Aiba said calmly. “Look, I know this is a delicate topic. They are gonna need some time to get used to it. To us.”

“I don’t know,” Jun muttered, shaking his head. “They’ve never been like this.”

“All parents go through this,” Aiba tried to reassure his boyfriend. “Sooner or later they have to face the issue. I remember how my parents reacted. Well, they had a shock just from seeing me masturbating while I had a dildo shoved up my ass – and our next few conversations weren’t pretty. But they adjusted and even though it took some time, it’s okay now. And you know that they love you.”

Jun smiled at that. “Your dad even offered me a seat at his poker table.”

“See?” Aiba smiled. “Just give it some time. And keep talking to them. It’s going to be okay.”

“Hm… maybe,” Jun agreed feebly.

“Of course,” Aiba encouraged his boyfriend. “Hey, how about we go out tonight?”

Jun blinked at that. “Out? I don’t know. We both have work tomorrow and the dishes won’t do themselves, so…”

“Oh, come on,” Aiba urged. “The dishes are not going to run away either. Plus, we have a late working day tomorrow, so why not have some fun?”

“I see you’re enthusiastic,” Jun smiled. “But I’m rather tired already. I had appointments today as well, then I did the cooking and now I really just want to laze on the couch. We could have some private fun, how about that?”

Aiba pouted slightly. “But I really want to go out. There’s this special event at the Robot Café and Ka- I mean, come on, it’ll be fun.”

Jun frowned, giving Aiba a suspicious look. “Masaki, did you appoint to meet there with Kazama?”

Aiba simply stared back at him. “Why do you think something like that?” he finally asked.

“Because a) The Robot Café is something that Kazama will totally go for and b) you almost babbled out his name. Did you meet him today?” Jun couldn’t help the accusing tone in his voice.

“No, Jun, I…”

“Is that why you were late?” Jun kept pressing.

“No,” Aiba burst out rather harshly. “I was working long. And I did not see Kaza-chan today. I… okay, we talked on the phone and he said he’d be at the Café tonight and he suggested I come and bring you along. I haven’t seen him in ages and just…”

“I told you,” Jun cut in again, “I don’t want you to meet with him.”

“But we’ve been friends forever,” Aiba argued.

“We’ve had this repeatedly,” Jun sighed. “You can’t see him. We’re a couple now and he’s still in love with you. You’re not doing him a favor if you keep hanging out with him.”

“I wasn’t going to hang out with him,” Aiba argued as he got up from the table. “I wanted to go out with you and so what if he’s there too?”

“He’s still after you,” Jun insisted, “he’s not even going to hold back when I’m there. I’ve had it and I’ve had enough of it. I’m done watching him trying to steal you away from me.”

“And you don’t trust me to love you enough so that he can’t?” Aiba asked bitingly.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. But really, that so-called friendship between you two is totally fucked up. You have to make a cut.”

“What if I don’t want to, though?” Aiba asked daringly.

“Well, in that case, I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the Robot Café without me and meet your `friend´ there.”

Aiba bit his lip. Then his face hardened. “You know, maybe I’ll do just that – because you’re being nothing but a prick right now.”

“Fine,” Jun bit out. “Go. And while you’re at it, go and try to charm his parents too, maybe they will take you in happily so neither of us has to bother with any kind of aggravation between the two of us anymore. Everybody wins – but me.”

“You know,” Aiba said, his voice slow and calm. He looked like he was about to start crying, but he kept holding it in, showing Jun that he could do tough when it was needed. “You can be such a prick sometimes. Why are you being so beasty when I just want to meet a friend? Your jealousy is your own problem, you know. And this thing with your parents is hard on me too. But I never blame these things on you – not even that one occasion when we were supposed to meet them for lunch and they brought along this girl so you could meet her and maybe, you know… You even flirted with her and I know you were just trying to handle the situation, but… sometimes we just do things we feel we need to do. Why can’t you accept that I want Kaza-chan in my life?”

“Oh, I can accept that,” Jun told him. “But I’m not going to share you with him in any way.”

“You’re being stupid,” Aiba shot back.

“I told you, you are free to go,” Jun offered in a sharp voice. “Just do whatever you feel like doing. Go out, meet your friend. Meet him, laugh with him, hug him – fuck him for all I care.”

Aiba’s eyes glared back at Jun. “You know what? Maybe I’ll do just that. Because honestly, you’re being nothing but an asshole and I don’t want to spend tonight being bitched at. Kaza-chan will always be sweet to me.”

“Because he wants to bed you,” Jun stated simply.

“Maybe I’ll let him do that tonight too,” Aiba informed his boyfriend.

“If that pleases you,” Jun shrugged.

Aiba bit his lip for a moment, but then he gave Jun a stern look. “I’ll be going, then,” he announced.

“Okay,” Jun nodded calmly. “Leave. And don’t bother coming back.”

Aiba shot him another glare, then turned around swiftly and not even a minute later he heard the door of their apartment being smashed shut and he knew that Aiba had left. Little did he know that Aiba would indeed not return that night – if for other reasons than he could ever have imagined.


“It sucks that you had such a harsh fight.”

Sho looks sympathetic. I hate that. He knows it and I’m sure he tries to conceal his feelings, but he’s failing right now and I hate that too.

“I told him not to come back – and he didn’t.”

“It was still that drunk guy who didn’t see the red light and ran Masaki over.”

There it is again. Reasoning.

“If we hadn’t fought like that… I practically drove him out of the house.”

Sho looks pretty helpless and if the situation were any different I’d laugh at him, because this has to be a first.

“You couldn’t have known something like that would happen. And if you wish to discuss how a sequence of events can turn tables, you’ll need to blame yourself for a lot of things.”

“Wow, now I sure feel a lot better.”

Sarcasm usually helps me getting detached. Sadly it’s not working now.

“I don’t mean to make you feel better. I don’t think that I can, not here, not now. I want to help you so you can face Masaki when he wakes up.”

How Sho can relate to such a situation in this moment is beyond me. But then, he’s always been different in a way that was hard for me to grasp.

“You will need to work things out. With him. And with your parents.”

Oh wow, really? The speech is not over yet?

“And you should think about this now, because once Masaki has woken up there will be a lot of things for you to worry about. And you should really try to change your approach concerning several things.”

“If he wakes up.”

I can’t help it, I need to voice my fear. For a moment there Sho looks like he wants to punch me, but he recollects himself quickly, only giving me a glare.

“Stop talking nonsense. Of course, he’s gonna wake up. And soon. And then you need to be prepared. Think about what you want, how you want to deal with what has happened. You do have a strong mind, but it’s strained with a lot of things right now. Plus, and this is just for the record, but you need to hear this from someone you’re not fucking: You really can be a prick when things aren’t going your way. Try to keep in mind that sometimes you need to be generous and let things go – at least if you wish to establish working long-term relationships.”

I’m too tired to even glare back at him.

“Any more helpful advice?”

There it is again, that slightly detached feeling. Thank goodness, I was already about to go insane with all of this.

“Yes, as a matter of fact. You can’t do anything significant in your current state. Go home. Sleep. If you want me to, I’ll keep watch.”

“You don’t have to.”

I can’t say anything more as I shamefully turn around, wanting nothing more than to sink into a comfortable if empty bed and get some rest. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Maybe I haven’t. What day is it anyway? I’m too tired to even check and I already fall asleep on the way back to our apartment. I don’t feel like I’m sleeping, but I must have dozed off, because we arrive at the place in like two minutes. It’s only then that I realize that even if I can’t care less which day we’re having, I’ll need to get up and go to work at some point. As I grab my phone I see a new message. It’s from Sho.

He’s drooling a lot. Is that normal?

An unwanted smile sneaks its way onto my lips. So he stayed there, after all. I type a reply without even thinking about it.

Yeah, he’s always gross when sleeping.

I send it easily, but somehow I feel it’s not quite right, so I quickly send an afterthought.

Thank you.


“Oh my god, Jun.”

I can feel Masaki deep inside my body. He’s thrusting harshly and I can tell that he’s about to come – same as myself. It feels so good, so natural, like it’s never been any other way, like nothing about this has ever been at stake. As I feel our bodies moving together everything else seems to be miles away already. The many hours spent in hospital, taking care of Masaki, hoping, wanting nothing more than for him to finally wake up. When he did, it seemed like such a small, simple thing – but even so I feel my arms tightening around his form as I remember it. The way he smiled when he saw me. The way he hugged me, our stupid fight forgotten. The way he kissed me, just as he is doing now, capturing my lips passionately, as if it were supposed to be our very first kiss, or the last, and then I feel his hips jerking, his body shaking slightly, there’s a small gasp on his lips as his orgasm washes over him, riding me over the edge as well, feeling Masaki on me, in me, around me, everywhere and I want to stay like this forever.

I stir, turning over. I must have fallen asleep for some minutes. Masaki isn’t there, but I can hear the shower running. So he already swished into the shower. He really doesn’t like to be sticky in bed. I chuckle to myself. It’s okay. Everything is okay now. I cast a glance at the picture of pressed flowers on the wall. I had it made with the impressive flower bouquet that we brought back from the hospital. The one my parents brought there. In person. I remember how they showed up there. We didn’t even say anything – we didn’t need any words. They just hugged me and I know it’s weird, but when mom petted my head, suddenly I felt like everything was going to be okay again. Mothers can just do that. They were both lovely to Masaki too, touching him soothingly, stroking his hair – my mother even washed him properly. It’s from then that we started over. Everything began anew. We have even visited my parents’ house by now and they treated Masaki like their own child. He’s also stopped seeing Kazama. We’re basically doing everything together now. And I couldn’t be any happier. Now that I have Masaki back, I’m never gonna let go of him again.

Ah, Masaki comes back.

“Back already?”

I try to sound playful, hoping to initiate a sequel to our earlier activities.


He doesn’t even look at me as he starts grabbing his clothes and gets dressed. Okay, this is weird.

“You okay?”

He’s still not looking at me, but scratching his arm, once his pants are in place again. His head is ducked, like he’s trying to avoid me.


One-word answers? Definitely not good. And who is he trying to fool with this answer anyway? I sit on the bed, still naked, still messy from our sex, but I don’t care right now. Something’s not right and I need to set things right so we can go back to bed and cuddle.



He’s looking straight at me now and I don’t like the look at all.

“I have no idea how to tell you this, so I’m going to simply say it straight out. I’m leaving. I can’t do this anymore.”

I don’t even know how to react. From all the things I would have expected, this was the last. And in this situation. I try to comprehend what Masaki’s saying, at the same time I’m denying what his words mean. I shake my head vehemently. He now simply continues to get himself fixed up, though. But I can’t just let him go. Not now. Never.

“Wait – what? I thought we were doing great together?”

“I don’t know what you consider great, but really, I feel like I’m your prisoner here.”

He looks hurt, but really, isn’t he the one hurting me just now? How can he look at me like this? All I ever want is for us to be together. For him to be safe. I’ll do anything for that. And he doesn’t even appreciate what I’m doing? He wants to throw it all away?

“So what – first you fuck me and then you’re out the door?”

I know it hurts him when he’s accused of being indifferent, but right now I don’t care. I want to hurt him, just like he’s hurting me, throwing at me that he wants to leave me behind. He does look guilty as he looks at me again, his hair still damp from the shower he took before. Once again I’m reminded that just a few minutes ago we had been in our bed, making love. He looks back at me sad, but determined.

“I admit, it was a selfish, guilty pleasure to get to feel you one more time without having to wonder what you will be up to next. Maybe you’ll forgive me for doing that one day. Maybe you’ll even understand why I’m doing what I’m doing. I… I’m sorry. I really loved you. Part of me still does, I think. But we can’t handle each other and… I don’t want you to be like this. And I don’t want to see you like this anymore. So I’m leaving.”

I feel my entire body tensing, panic rushing through me.

“No, you can’t!”

The urgency in my voice sounds disturbing.

“And I’m not coming back.”

I get up from the bed and I hug Masaki. I must do something, anything to make him stay. He can’t just go. He can’t leave me. Doesn’t he understand that I’m really trying to make things work between us? Why can’t he see what I’m doing? I hear his voice and it sounds creepy. I don’t care about his reasons, I just want him by my side. His words keep hitting my ears, though, and I just want him to shut up, shut up…


I yell the words at him and he goes still and silent. I look at him and he looks scared as shit. As I take in his form, I realize that I’ve been holding him, not hugging him, but holding him in a tight grip, trying to prevent him from leaving the room. He’s been struggling against me, I can tell. There are already bruises showing on his arms and I let go of him instantly, gasping, looking at him helplessly.

“Please, Jun,” he whispers and there are tears in his eyes. “Please let me go.”

I can’t say a word, or do anything but stand there, paralyzed. I can’t believe I hurt him. What have I done? All I ever wanted was to have him by my side. I wanted to do whatever it took to be together with him. Just how did it turn out like this?

“I’m sorry.”

I mean the words as I say them, but I feel like I can’t comprehend everything that they contain. Masaki merely nods at me and quickly swishes by my side, not even fully clothed as he rushes to get out of the apartment. Fear surges through my body and it’s not a fear of being alone, but the moment he’s gone I fear for his life. It’s always been like this since that fateful accident. I do fear for him a lot. But I still can’t accept that it was really me, in the grasp of that unsettling, nagging feeling, who drove him away from me in the end. How could this have happened?


Jun woke up, feeling unnerved, basically out of habit. The moment he took in his surroundings, felt Masaki’s body against him, he relaxed immediately. The other had woken up several days ago and Jun had allowed himself to relax around his boyfriend – a state that had felt almost alien to him at first, but he slowly but surely trusted the feeling again. Aiba stirred next to him and Jun wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist possessively.

“G’d mrng,” Aiba mumbled into his pillow.

Jun chuckled lightly. “Good morning.”

He gave a delicate kiss to Aiba’s nape and the taller man turned around carefully, facing Jun.

“Did you sleep well?” Aiba asked.

Jun had had some problems sleeping soundly for several days, but his mind eased out again slowly, allowing him his needed portion of sleep.

Jun nodded happily. “With you next to me, I slept great.”

Aiba smiled at that. He mimicked Jun, hugging the man to his form as they enjoyed simply lying together.

“Today’s your first day of working by yourself again,” Jun muttered against Aiba’s shoulder.

“I know,” Aiba sighed.

“Are you okay?” Jun asked carefully.

“Is it weird to say that I’m nervous?”

Jun shook his head. “Not at all. But you’ll be okay. I arranged everything. Your manager will pick you up right here and take you to the studio. And there won’t be any post-work obligations, since you’re basically working by yourself today. As soon as you’re done, your manager will bring you right back here and we’ll get back into this bed together as soon as we can.”

“That sounds nice,” Aiba murmured, snuggling against Jun’s form.

They both knew that they had to get up, though, so they reluctantly detached from each other, got cleaned up and clothed, had a quick breakfast and then got ready to separate at the door.

“Is it weird to say that I’m nervous too?” Jun asked.

Aiba chuckled at that. “A bit, but I know what you mean. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Jun nodded, but he still felt the strong urge to hug Aiba, which he did, and carry him back into their apartment so he could be safe there, which, of course, he didn’t, because that would be ridiculous. Even so he felt reluctant to let go of Aiba, sending him off into an unpredictable world.

Jun did pretty well for about thirty minutes. Then he mused that Aiba should have been at the studio already. Even so Aiba’s manager hadn’t checked back with him as Jun had instructed him to do. So he quickly got his phone out and wrote a message to Aiba.

Are you on location already?

He felt nervous as he waited for an answer. Just a few seconds later his phone buzzed, though.

Yeah, doing make-up now. You?

Still on my way. Well, just wanted to check in with you. Have a nice working day.

Awwww. <3 You too. ^3^

Jun chuckled and put his phone away. He was okay. Aiba was okay. As Jun arrived on his set of the day he just pulled out his phone and checked whether he had received a message. There was nothing. He bit his lip, quickly typing a short message.

Just letting you know that I arrived alright.

Again it took no more than a few seconds for an answer to arrive.

Cool. Have fun today.

Jun smiled. And decided to do just that.

By the time of his lunch break he had already sent three messages to Aiba, which he hadn’t received an answer to. Jun knew, of course, that the other was working, but still… it felt weird. Even so, he continued his working day as best as he could, his mind kept wandering to Aiba, though, wondering what the other might be doing. It was already later in the afternoon that Jun received a new message.

Sorry, been busy. But we’ll be done in about an hour now, I think. Don’t forget you promised to meet me at home.

Jun smiled, feeling relieved.

Sorry I was bugging. Just wanted to hear how you’re doing. It’s cool that you’ll be done soon and yeah, I’ll meet you at home as soon as I can. ^_~

Another message arrived a few seconds later.

Aw, you’re so sweet. <3

Jun quickly put his phone away again and made sure that he would be done working within about half an hour. That worked alright too, but there was traffic on the way back to their apartment. Jun was already wondering if he would make it in time, but he did manage to arrive first, just a few minutes before Aiba was supposed to be back. Just enough time to call an order-in and get naked on the bed. Aiba got back just about a minute after Jun had arranged himself.

“I’m back,” he called out. Jun remained silent. Apparently that stirred Aiba, who called out again. “Hello? Jun?”

As he walked into the bedroom, Aiba stopped for a second, then he grinned.

“Now that’s a sight I could get used to,” he decided. “We should have some spicy pics of you taken like that and hang them on the wall. The guy I worked with today was pretty good, I could call him.”

“No, thanks,” Jun laughed. “I don’t think I can fuck in a room where I’ll have to look at such stuff of myself. But I’ll pose for you any time,” he offered.

“Nice,” Aiba nodded. “Dinner?”

“On the way,” Jun announced. “Should take just about fifteen minutes. Think of anything we can do to distract ourselves while we’re waiting?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact,” Aiba grinned, discarding his jacket easily.

About an hour later they were both sitting at their living room table, order-in packages all around them, the pair of them clad in boxers and loose fitting shirts.

“Okay, let’s definitely remember this sequence: First sex, then dinner.”

“Definitely better than the other way around,” Aiba agreed, “although fitting a shower in between might still be nice.”

“Already on the list for the next go,” Jun smiled at him.

Aiba looked back at him lovingly. “You know, I really could get used to this.”

“Then let’s repeat it whenever we can,” Jun suggested.

They snuggled up on their sofa, watching some crappy game show without paying much attention to it. They kept exchanging soft touches and stealing light kisses, simply enjoying being together like that. And if Jun had any say in it, they could continue this routine again and again and he’d never grow tired of it. Just having Aiba by his side made him feel gleeful.

It was about a week later that Jun felt his distress coming back. Aiba was about an hour late and he did not answer his phone. Jun knew very well that there could be a hundred reasons for this, but he also knew from experience that one such reason could mean that Aiba got hurt and so he kept pacing their apartment, calling Aiba and his manager in turns, with short messages to Aiba’s phone in between. When another hour went by without any messages from Aiba, Jun called the police. Of course, they told him to wait and maybe call Aiba’s friends. Jun cursed as he hung up. In his panic, he did something he never could have imagined in his wildest dreams. He called Kazama.

“Hello. Who’s there?” the man answered his phone.

Jun already wanted to punch him just hearing his voice. But finding Aiba had first priority.

“Ah, this is Matsumoto,” he muttered. “Listen, sorry to bother you. I was just wondering… you wouldn’t happen to know where Masaki might be?”

“Oh, the over-protective boyfriend lost sight of his precious?”

“This is not funny,” Jun informed the other. “He’s already hours overdue, he’s not answering his phone and I can’t reach his manager.”

“You’re calling his manager?” Kazama asked. “You sound like you’re stalking Masaki.”

“Look here, I don’t need an assessment from you,” Jun pointed out bitingly. “Do you think you are capable of simply answering a very plain question: Have you seen Masaki?”

There was a long sigh at the other end. “No, I haven’t.”

Jun could hear that the other continued talking, he heard a fragment of his name, but he simply hung up. Dammit, just where could Aiba be?

It was about thirty minutes later that Jun’s phone buzzed with a call. Jun quickly grabbed it and felt a surge of relief when he saw it was Aiba calling.

“Thank goodness, you’re calling back,” Jun blurted out.

“I’m sorry,” Aiba apologized, sounding truly remorseful. “We got out onto the sea and things weren’t going as planned, so we took forever to get back to the shore and there was no phone connection, like, at all.”

“It’s okay,” Jun assured him, even though his body was still tense from his worries. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I called your manager and he didn’t pick up.”

“Yeah, he thought it would be fun to join us,” Aiba chuckled. “Let me tell you that he regrets it big time.”

Jun smiled at that. “As long as you’re okay,” he sighed.

“Of course, I am,” Aiba said enthusiastically. “Just because I’m a bit late doesn’t mean there’s anything much going on.”

“I know,” Jun mumbled. “Just…”

“It’s okay,” Aiba told him. “I’ll be home in about an hour.”

“Cool,” Jun smiled as he hung up.

Aiba was okay. That was all that mattered.

Jun found, though, that many situations held possible dangers, so whenever he could he made sure to have Aiba either at home early, or to join him when he went out. As long as he could be around Aiba, he could protect him, after all. He and Aiba had appointed a dinner that night and Jun was just about to go out and get groceries, when Aiba called him.

“Jun, the actors and staff are meeting for dinner tonight,” Aiba explained.

Jun frowned. He really didn’t like the sound of that. “So?”

“Well, I should go,” Aiba mused. “Everybody’s going, after all.”

“But we said we wanted to have dinner together,” Jun argued.

“I know,” Aiba sighed. “But you know how these things are. I need to join and show my interest in the show. I’m sorry I have to cancel tonight, but I’ll make it up to you.”

“But…” Jun muttered. “What if they choose a restaurant you don’t like?”

“That’s just as well,” Aiba answered.

“What if they decide to move on to karaoke, or something?” Jun kept pressing.

“Then I’ll tell them that I can’t do that,” Aiba answered calmly.

“But what if it gets too late and you don’t get a train back anymore?”

“Then I’ll get a taxi,” Aiba replied. “Jun, listen, I know you don’t like this. And I’m sorry. But there are some social obligations that I can’t simply ignore.”

Jun sighed deeply, trying to calm himself. “I know,” he said in a small voice. “Sorry for… for making it a big deal. I know you’d rather come back home. I really don’t mean to… I just like it better when you’re home with me.”

“I know,” Aiba said softly. There was a short pause. “Okay, listen, since we already have plans for tonight, I’ll tell them that I can’t go.”

Jun perked up at that. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Aiba confirmed. “I guess it’s not okay to cancel our date like that, so I’ll be home for dinner. I can meet the staff some other day.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Jun agreed happily. “Okay, then I’ll finish the groceries and get the cooking done.”

“Okay,” Aiba answered. “I’m looking forward to it.”

He sounded tired. Jun mused that their filming was exhausting. He would make sure that Aiba would be able to relax during their date, so he could forget all about his work.

The filming continued for six more weeks. Fortunately there wasn’t another staff dinner held, so Aiba didn’t have to stay away for such stuff. And Jun had Aiba’s manager hand him a copy of his schedule so he could arrange their jobs and appointments so they could travel together a lot and even work on the same sets. He was more than happy with their routine and Jun could see that Aiba was grateful for his devotion too.

Jun noticed, though, when Aiba’s attitude changed. He started to be reserved, often retreated from intimate contact and very deliberately arranged work obligations that Jun could not share with him. Jun mused that Aiba wanted to regain some private space, which was fine for him, as long as the man remained close to him, physically. He knew Aiba was thankful to him and that he loved Jun and he wanted to make things work between them just as much as Jun wanted to. There was nothing to be worried about, as long as he could stay close to Aiba.


I blink my eyes open, and a stinging light irritating them. My head hurts like mad as my body wakes up fully.

“I’ve told you, haven’t I? That it won’t be any better, having you in hospital and Aiba worried.”

Okay, that would be Sho’s voice. Just what is going on? I blink my eyes again and manage to crack them open just a bit. A mainly white room. Definitely not my bedroom. How did I get here?

“What happened?”

My voice sounds hoarse.

“That’s what we would like to know.”

Again, Sho’s voice. Just where is he? Oh, there, on the other side of the bed.

“What do you mean?”

I can hear a deep sigh.

“Someone found you. Out on the street. Half naked and obviously dazed. They brought you here and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that there are hundreds of journalists out there, waiting for news. They took your blood and they’re running drug tests right now. Jun, you know what we’ll be having if they test you positive, right?”

I frown.

“Bullshit. I didn’t take anything.”

I didn’t, right? I’m trying hard to remember the last thing I recall after waking up just now. But drugs? No. I don’t even have anything.

“I really hope that’s true.”

Sho sounds annoyed. The situation must be aggravating, but really, I can’t see how this is my fault.

“You really think I’m that stupid?”

I find the strength of my voice again, which is relieving.

“Honestly, lately it’s hard to tell what you will or will not do.”

I blink. Another voice.

“Not now. I’ve told you we need to do this carefully.”

Sho again. Well, at least I’m not the only one he’s berating.

“Oh, fuck careful.”

Ah, Nino. The moment I recognize his voice I see the guy moving up to the bed. He looks… furious.

“Just what do you think you’re doing? Masaki had bruises on his arms when he came to seek shelter at my place. And even though you hurt him, all he kept talking about was how worried he is about you. I don’t know what you’ve been doing to him lately, but it has to stop. His every thought revolves around you and now he’s sitting out there, almost having a nervous break-down, blaming himself, thinking he’s the reason you… you…”

Nino lets out a rather loud scream and I jump in surprise, but the moment he looks at me again, I realize he tried to compensate his anger instead of punching me.

“Enough already.”

Sho cuts in again, trying to soothe the situation, but whatever is aggravating Nino so much, it just keeps bursting out of him.

“We’ve been watching it for weeks, months almost. And this… this is unacceptable. Bringing such trouble to all of us. How can we trust him? How can we know he’s not going to simply lose it again and do something that can have such severe consequences.”

I frown yet again, trying to remember what happened, but I can’t. I remember Aiba leaving the apartment. I remember feeling devastated. But after that my mind is blank.

“What happened?”

Sho and Nino both look at me now. While Nino still looks furious, Sho’s face shows that he is both sad and worried. It’s him who speaks up again.

“We don’t know. The agency received a call, informing your manager that you were brought here. Some guy found you on the street. That’s all we know.”

I shake my head, trying to clear it.

“What have you done?”

There’s an urgency in Nino’s voice that I can understand only too well.

“I really can’t remember. Not a thing. Not after Masaki… Where is Masaki?”

“He’s out there and worried sick about you, although I really don’t understand why he’s still feeling this way. You stalked him, you observed him, you hurt him… Remind me that I want to punch you as soon as your condition allows it.”

“Punching him won’t help. And Masaki loves Jun. Although he more like feels obligated towards him lately.”

I look at Sho.

“What do you mean?”

Sho gives me a stern look. He seems to debate with himself whether he should really get a point across that’s obviously lingering on his mind, but he decides to go for it – probably for fear that Nino will break it to me anyway, but not as diplomatically.

“Masaki has been very uneasy in his relationship with you. After that accident – you basically kept following him everywhere and if you couldn’t do it physically, you did it with calls and messages, constantly checking what he was doing. Later he even told us how you try to keep him from leaving the house without you. He tried to bear with it, knowing that you’re just scared for him, but Jun, you must understand that nobody can live like that. Though he loves you, he can’t handle that kind of pressure. He even started to think whether things he wanted to do might get you aggravated or uneasy. Your worries and fears were ruling both your lives and Masaki started to feel bad even for causing these feelings in you.”

Ouch. Okay, that hurts more than I would have imagined. It contains more than I… wanted to think about. I knew that Masaki wasn’t happy with how things were going, but I was so preoccupied with my fears, I didn’t even realize how much I actually hurt him. I can’t look at Sho. Understanding that he knows all these things about me makes me feel ashamed. I look at the other man instead.

“Nino, remind me that you have to punch me as soon as my condition allows it.”

Nino doesn’t react too much to my suggestion, while Sho’s eyes keep boring at me.

“This is not a time for jokes. Jun, you have a serious mental condition. After what you did last night we really need to think about how to improve the situation.”

I still have no memory of anything that supposedly happened the previous night, but Sho’s tone leaves little to the imagination. Before I can answer, though, the door bursts open, Masaki standing in the frame, looking highly alarmed.

“Sho-chan, they found tranquilizers. Loads. They said if they hadn’t infused him in time, then…”

He stops right in his tracks as he sees me sitting on the bed. It hurts to look at him. There’s fear, worry… guilt. I shake my head. No, this is not what I wanted. I never wanted this. I didn’t. Tranquilizers? Ohno appears as well, hugging Masaki around the shoulder. They’re all looking at me now, different expressions on their faces. I don’t know what to do or say, so I simply blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.

“I did not try to kill myself.”

They all just keep staring at me. I shake my head, yet again.

“No, seriously. I wouldn’t… I don’t remember too much, but really… I guess I was feeling too strained, so I took something. Too much probably. But I wouldn’t. Never. After causing so much trouble, I… Masaki, I’m so sorry. I know that the way I did things was not right. I just kept feeling scared and because I couldn’t handle it, I troubled you. I regret that a lot. I understand why you left me. I… I understand if you don’t want to be around me anymore. I just hope that you will forgive me one day.”

Masaki is shaking his head like mad. There are tears in his eyes. I want to hug him, but I don’t trust my body.

“I’m the one who’s sorry, Jun. I wronged you. And I simply left you behind without even talking to you. And before I did that I selfishly took my pleasure from you, knowing that you wouldn’t allow me, if you knew what I wanted to do.”

“Really, Masaki, there’s no need for such details.”

I can’t help chuckling at Nino’s blushing face. However, Masaki is not done just yet.

“Jun, I should have talked to you. I should have tried to help you. I… was feeling too weak.”

“And that’s my fault.”

My voice sounds surprisingly steady, considering the way my entire body vibrates from aggravation.

“I made you feel that way, by trying to lock you in, making you feel like you can’t handle things by yourself anymore. Just what have I done?”

“Well, for starters, it’s a good thing that you see reason.”

I give Nino a helpless smile. He might be harsh sometimes, but he is always honest with you and he’s also trying to be nothing but helpful. And he’s not finished just yet, it seems.

“You need to back that up with some action, though. Make sure to get proper treatment. In return, I for my part, will provide you a leap of faith, accepting that you speak the truth when you insist that you did not try to kill yourself. We can work this out together, just like everything else, but Jun, you need to not only admit that you’re having problems, but you need to prove to us that you are willing to work hard to get rid of them.”

I smile back at the other man. It’s weird somehow. Our voice of reason has always been Sho, but somehow reason does not always cut through your emotions, especially the really strong ones. And here is Nino, the bluntest, most undiplomatic person you can think of, and he’s the one fixing things back together.

“I appreciate that and I would like that a lot. If all of you can trust me just a bit, I want to make us work again, as a team. With all of us as equals.”

I see approval in Sho’s eyes and Ono is nodding my way too. Masaki is looking at me with fear in his eyes, though.

“I’m sorry, Jun.”

He looks like he’s about to cry again and once again I just want to hug him to my body, but I restrain myself again, if for different reasons. I cannot simply invade his personal space like that. Not after everything I put him through. Masaki looks firmly at me too, telling me what he has to say.

“I can’t treat you like everybody else. Not with what we… Jun, I love you. Even before our first kiss I loved you and even now I still do. I probably always will. Right now I just… don’t know what to do with that feeling. I need some time… and…”

I try hard to give Masaki an encouraging smile. I’m not sure if I succeed, but if I don’t, Masaki appreciates the effort by smiling back at me.

“I understand that, of course. No worries there, Masaki. And no need for any apologies. I feel mostly honored by your devotion and I will try hard to prove myself worthy of it.”

For a short moment something like ease settles in my mind. Even though things are still seriously messed up, for the first time in months I feel like I want to look at what waits ahead of us. I’m still scared, but just having people to share my fear with already makes me feel better. It makes me trust myself to win out against my fears and worries. After the short moment, the voice of reason appears again, swishing through the chaos of swirled up feelings to get us through the mess that is waiting for us outside of the room we’re in.

“We’ll need a media specialist here, or else those journalists are gonna take us apart. I’ll call the agency. Satoshi, please get the medical record and dismissal papers for Jun. Nino, you organize something to eat and find a good passage for us to leave this place. Masaki, you go and sit at the Cafeteria and get some rest.”

A plan as good as any other right now. We are going to need to organize a million many things. But even though many things are still undecided, for the first time in months I’m allowing myself to feel optimistic.


“Sho, call Masaki. Now.”

My voice sounds urgent, but really it’s not uncalled for. Not in a situation like this.

“Jun, relax. This was your idea, remember?”

I glare at Sho, wanting to throw at him just how often he revised on his ideas. But there’s no time for something like that now.

“I’ve changed my mind. This is stupid. It’s dangerous for no reason. Completely unreasonable.”

“That’s the point exactly. People keep doing unreasonable things all the time and you need to learn to handle that.”

I bite my lip hard, my neck already hurting from looking up into the sky. Just what was I thinking agreeing to initiate such a thing? I spot a small plane flying over our heads. I involuntarily grab Sho’s shoulder, kneading it nervously.

“Oh my god, Sho, I think that’s them. Oh fuck, they’re gonna jump out any moment now. No, no, no, I can’t watch.”

I bury my face against Sho’s shoulder and he readily brings up an arm to stroke my back in a soothing manner. His voice has that soothing timbre too that can aggravate me so sometimes.

“You don’t have to look. But just think how happy and proud Masaki will be if you tell him you watched him flying through the sky.”

I want to kick Sho. Instead a mumble against his shoulder before letting go and looking back up again.


I hear Sho chuckling next to me, but I’m concentrating on a small spot in the sky and therapy or not, if you know that someone you love is falling down hundreds of meters, your stomach will twist up painfully. But we keep watching, waiting, then there’s a flare of colors and just a moment later a huge parachute unfolds and I can’t help the grin that comes to my face as I watch it gliding through the sky peacefully.

“It must look awesome.”

It feels good being able to be happy for Masaki when he’s allowed to experience this. Some worries are still nagging at the back of my head, but I have learnt to ignore them. Well, okay I take some meds to drown the nagging out as well, but I sure am feeling happy for Masaki right now and that makes me feel happy just by myself as well.

“I would die from fear up there.”

Teasing? I’m honestly surprised, I haven’t had that from Sho in… too long. I shoot him an equally teasing grin.

“Well, we can’t all be heroes.”

Sho huffs at me, but he looks pleased and encouraging.

“Speak for yourself. Masaki offered you to do it together.”

“Well, that wasn’t my task in this. Come on, let’s meet them as they land.”

We rush from the viewing point out into the field. There’s a huge red mark where the parachute is supposed to land. It feels like they take forever to even come close, but at a certain point they get closer very quickly and then I can already see Masaki’s grinning face and just a moment later they land, pretty much on the marked spot and I can’t wait for them to even untangle Masaki and the guy who jumped with him from the strings and the parachute, I just rush up to them and fling myself into Masaki’s arms. He’s laughing happily and hugging me tightly. I look at him and his eyes are sparkling.

“We did it.”

I laugh at that, even as I feel tears disturbing my eyes.

“What do you mean, we? I was scared like shit.”

Masaki grins.

“Me too. But it’s really awesome. You should really come up there with me next time.”

I nod and I can see the surprise in Masaki’s eyes.

“I will. If you convince Sho to come along too.”

Sho gives me sour look.

“Seriously, why are you dragging me into this?”

I give him the most encouraging smile.

“Well, while we’re at curing mental situations, might as well tackle that fear of heights.”

“I’m fine like this, thank you.”
Sho is really feeling uneasy about this, I can tell. He’s already eyeing Masaki and sure enough our hero of the skies is already giving him puppy dog eyes.

“Aw, but if you come, Jun will come too.”

Sho glares at me for real now.

“Just fantastic, he’s going to pester me about this for weeks now.”

I nod, feeling playful.

“I know. He’s going to pester you, not me.”

Before Sho can shoot anything back at me, I am helping the trainer to untangle the mess of strings and fabric around him and Masaki. At some point we are covered completely by the parachute and I use the moment to steal a little kiss. Masaki chuckles and wraps an arm around me, pulling me closer and intensifying the kiss for just a second. Then he lets go of me again, looking right into my eyes. We’re still tangled up, but I couldn’t care less right now. There is so much love in those eyes right now, I feel like bursting from joy. And then Masaki says just two words and I never realized how important their message could be to me, but in that moment I understood their significance, not just in that moment, but for our future.

“Thank you.”

I shake my head and I’m gripping Masaki’s shoulders for balance as apparently Sho gets into the game too, trying to rid us of the mess of cloth.

“I should be thanking you. For forgiving me. For loving me.”

Masaki merely shrugs his shoulders.

“That’s nothing I can help. But for what it’s worth, today I enjoy loving you.”

“That means everything to me.”

The moment the words are out, they feel weird. I can see Masaki grinning at me.

“Aaaaand there was the line.”

I laugh, nodding my head in agreement.

“Too cheesy, right?”

“Yeah, very much so.”

Even so, I think the moment is just perfect and I can’t help it, I dive in again, kissing my boyfriend passionately and Masaki answers readily and it feels good to enjoy the moment like that. Of course, just the moment later the cloth gets pulled down and out of the way, revealing Masaki and me, engaged in a loving lip-lock and I don’t even have to look at Sho to see the annoyed look on his face.

“Seriously, guys, can’t you go just a few weeks without a scandal?”

I detach myself from my boyfriend’s lips, who voices his disapproval with a small whine, and grin at Sho.

“Sho-kun, relax. It’s okay to take a risk every now and then.”


Date: 2016-09-07 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zeon-avalanthe.livejournal.com
I am sooooo in love with this fic XD
I never expected it to be written in Jun's POV so it's somehow refreshing to read.
It focuses more on Jun's problem and his insecurity and on how he tried to overcome it.

I seriously think it was a dream Jun had there- that it was but his mind playing at him and that Masaki has yet to woke up. And when he actually woke up on a hospital, I thought Sho was going to scold him that Jun being hospitalized won't make Masaki any better.

But this- this is a pleasant surprise, really. It twists smoothly and pierces you right in. I had wanted more Nino bitching at Jun (because he cares more than he lets out), but Sho did just fine there. And Riida comes as a cameo, but his appearance matters for he is like what keeps Masaki together when he's about to break.

Thank you for this fabulous gift author-san!
Loving every bits of it to the core!

Date: 2016-09-07 03:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] koi-choshi.livejournal.com
Wow, that was a nice ride.

The order of the fic was not linear, making me anticipate the answers for my questions. It even made me doubt that everything that was happening was real (because the summary too. I thought some weird voodoo or mental disorder occurred). It's a stifling world Aiba got there. At first, when he broke up with Jun, I thought it was a dream or Aiba's head got hit hard or something. But everything was well-placed and it was not really difficult to read too.

Thanks for sharing this one. (I love the ending under the parachute too) :)

Date: 2016-09-07 05:39 am (UTC)
yukitsubute: (Default)
From: [personal profile] yukitsubute

Phew, that was an up and down....I am so glad they made it in the end and I am happy that Jun sees his problems and faces them now.

Sho is really cool here, I love how caring he is. ❤

Thanks anon-san, I enjoyed reading it.

Date: 2016-09-16 05:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] piggywhale.livejournal.com
Ooohh... You did tackle a VERY serious issue here. And it was nicely done! Given the fic length limitation, I would never thought you could wrap the story up really nicely like this. Seeing Jun went through different stages in dealing with such a difficult experience and suffered a mental scar and post trauma from it in one shot story is really AMAZING. And I admire you for picking this topic to write on. It's hard but it's interesting and important. Thank you.

On the other hand, Sho was a really wonderful friend here. Surprisingly, I found this more of a Sakumoto story instead of Junba. LoL I hope you wouldnt feel offended by this. Sho's role in this was great. He was such an important force keeping Jun grounded and within reasons. What would Jun do without him, eh?

I bow to you, writer-san. You are incredible!!

Date: 2016-09-26 09:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deelovesryo.livejournal.com
It was a very mature fic, I like how you dealed with the theme.
I also like how you portrayed the frienship Arashi shares, specially Sho, that was so cool here.
Another thing I like is that the backgrownd of the whole fic is the intense love Jun feels for Aiba and how this one also loves him back, even if this love (and the lack of real communication between them) is the origin of all the problem.
Thanks for sharing!
Page generated Jul. 25th, 2017 08:40 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios