[identity profile] stormymood.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] arashi_exchange
A piece of rainbow for [livejournal.com profile] yoru_no_hikaru Part 1

Title: Make You Feel My Love
Pairing: Sho/Jun
Rating/Warnings: NC-17/Spanking, a tiny mention of non-consensual drug use.
Summary: Sho thinks that he’s content with the sex-only relationship arrangement he has with Jun. But then he realizes how he actually feels about Jun and wants to take the relationship more seriously. When he brings it up to Jun, Jun doesn’t seem like he agrees.
Notes: [livejournal.com profile] yoru_no_hikaru, when I saw your sign up, I can’t take my eyes off the last prompt you listed, so here you go. I hope you’ll have fun reading this as much as I had writing it. Thank you, mod, for being the most helpful mod ever. For my betas, you are the real champions, thank you.

Sho whimpers as Jun lands another blow to his ass. It isn’t as hard as the previous ones, but his heightened sense after all the spanking makes it feel more intense on his skin.

“I’ve told you,” Sho hears Jun talk through his gritted teeth. “It’s not—” another slap lands on Sho’s ass cheek, making Sho tremble, “—nice to talk about someone’s work that way.” Another slap, this time on the side of the ass, and Sho outright screams at the surprise and the overwhelming pain.

“I said,” Sho pants in reply, “I didn’t make fun of you. That was just a joke.”

Jun spanks Sho twice, one harder than the other. “I didn’t say that you’re allowed to talk.”

Jun’s hands are now kneading the sore skin of Sho’s ass, and Sho tries hard to keep himself from bucking back to the touch. It’s painful, but it somehow feels nice that Sho can’t help enjoying the pain that Jun is giving him.

“I don’t like that you bring up my project that way.” Jun moves his hands over the ass and squeezes, making Sho moan in pleasure.

“You’re enjoying this,” Jun points out. He lands another hard slap to Sho’s ass, making Sho scream. “You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.”

Despite the haze of his lust, Sho still knows that’s not true. Jun is here not only to punish him for a particular talk Sho did in the previous show, but he’s also here to let off some steam. Jun isn’t really happy about his new project; Sho knows. The new project hasn’t received overall positive reaction from fans, and that alone can drive Jun insecure beyond anything else.

To have Sho bring up in a show that Jun is fucking someone who once acted as his onscreen sister, in front of their fans eyes, is adding to Jun’s discomfort, and Sho knows that.

Jun isn’t spanking Sho solely for punishment. He’s doing this to stop his mind from thinking too much about the matter. They haven’t been doing this for years for no reason after all.

A particularly hard slap on the cleft of his ass brings Sho back to the present. He wails because it stings more than the others. Jun must have realized that his mind was drifting off somewhere and decided to give it harder to pull him back to reality.

“I asked you a question.” Jun moves his hand back to squeezing Sho’s ass cheek, but the other hand is poking in between. Sho feels a soft pressure on his hole before Jun repeats his question. “How do you want this, Sho? How do you want me to do this? I know you want it.”

Panting, Sho tries to pull a straight face as he turns his head around to look behind him, at Jun. “Use me. I haven’t been good to you. You’re to punish me as you please.”

Jun curses at that, and then Sho feels Jun’s finger pressing in. He was so deep in his thoughts before; he didn’t even realize that Jun has applied a generous amount of lube on his fingers.

The index finger slides in easily as Sho relaxes himself. He always loves the feeling of Jun’s finger inside him. It’s a promise of something but Sho has reached his limit. He doesn’t want to wait for more.

A second finger enters, and Sho clenches in reflex. It earns him another hard slap as Jun pushes his fingers deeper inside. They are now grazing Sho’s prostate—he can feel it that they’re deliberately avoiding the spot.

Sho tries to move his hips back, telling Jun without words that he needs to be touched there, but Jun doesn’t budge. Sho feels another finger entering at the same time as another slap landing.

“You said I am to do as I please,” Jun growls, lust apparent in his voice. “If you move another inch, Sakurai, I will just leave you here like this.”

On Sho’s moan of protest and hips bucking back in abandon, Jun holds Sho’s hip in place. His voice is stern when he then says, “You know I mean it. But if you want me to leave, then please do.”

Sho is so high on lust that he needs to feel Jun inside him as soon as possible, hitting on his prostate with his hard, thick cock, but he can faintly remember that night when Jun packed up his stuff and left Sho hanging.

Jun means what he says, and Sho doesn’t want to be left here now, all high and wanting for Jun to be inside him but unable to get it. So Sho tries to steady his breaths, inhaling and exhaling, and holds himself still.

There’s a long pause with neither of them saying nor doing anything, just waiting for each other to do something, to make or break the promise. Then, after what feels too long for Sho, Jun finally moves his fingers again.

Jun pushes another finger in, and now Sho has four of Jun’s fingers inside him, fucking him just like that. Sho has to remind himself not to move his hips to the rhythm of Jun’s finger-fucking. It feels so good for Sho like that, but something is still lacking.

“Hold it,” Jun says, like he can sense that Sho is nearing his orgasm already. “Don’t you dare to come now.”

Sho clenches, and it results in Jun’s fingers feeling even bigger inside him. He wails when Jun shifts the angle to touch his prostate with every movement.

“Please, Jun,” Sho chokes a sob. He’s close, so close, but he knows he can’t come just yet—he doesn’t want to. He wants to feel Jun’s cock inside him, and he wants it now.

“What?” Jun replies in a cold tone, his fingers movements don’t falter.

“Fuck me,” Sho huffs a breath.

“I am,” Jun replies with an amused tone.

“Not—” Sho tries to make his sentence but only manages to moan at the end.

Jun snorts at that, and then he extracts all of his fingers at once. Sho moans at the loss. It doesn’t take long until Sho feels the blunt head of Jun’s cock on his entrance. Sho’s hole is slick with lube, so is Jun’s condom-covered cock; Jun pushes into the hilt with no difficulty. The both of them moan at the intrusion.

Jun doesn’t even bother to start slow with his rhythm; Sho guesses that he’s probably close. Sho knows that all the punishment and the teasing turns Jun on more than anything else, and he’s probably not far behind Sho who’s already on his edge.

After a couple of thrusts, Sho suddenly feels his body being pulled upwards; his back flush against Jun’s chest.

The change of angle doesn’t make Jun move slower than before. If anything, it drives Sho closer even faster because that position makes Jun’s cock hit and brush Sho’s prostate in the most delicious way. It doesn’t take long for Sho to move his body along with Jun’s. Their rhythm falters after some thrusts, and when Jun brings his hand down to touch Sho’s cock, Sho comes just like that, dirtying his chest and the sheets under him.

In the middle of his orgasmic bliss, Sho can feel Jun coming inside him not long after. Sho moans as he clenches his muscle, helping Jun in milking his orgasm.


Sho watches idly as Jun is collecting his stuff around the room: pants from the floor, shirt from the desk, bag from the end of the bed.

“Sho-kun, give me that,” Jun calls out and breaks Sho’s bubble. He looks at Jun for a moment to understand what Jun means before following where Jun’s finger is pointing. Jun’s phone is above the bedside drawer.

Sho stretches his arm to reach the phone and hands it to Jun. “Can’t you stay?” he asks.

“I can’t. I’ve told you Toma and Shun are waiting for me,” Jun answers without looking. Sho watches as Jun unlocks the phone and scrolls; he’s probably checking his messages. “I have to go now.” Jun finally looks at Sho again. Although his stare doesn’t last longer than two seconds. He doesn’t even wait for Sho to give a respond.

Sho nods anyway, even though he knows that Jun can’t see him. “Take care,” he says to Jun’s back as Jun has already walked out the room. That gets Jun to look over his shoulder and smile at him so Sho smiles back.

Sho doesn’t walk Jun to the door. He’s lying comfortably on his bed with the blanket covering his body. Jun has helped him clean up under the shower, as well as putting cream to help soothe his sore ass. He’s so ready to fall asleep, but he holds himself up until he hears the soft thump of his front door.

The sound of the door ends up being the last thing Sho remembers before drifting off to sleep.


Sho wakes up startled. He instantly regrets putting his phone near his head before he went to bed. Its loud ringing and persistent vibration drag Sho away from his peaceful dream.

“Who is it?” Sho didn’t care to check the caller ID before picking up. It’s probably not even three in the morning. All Sho wants to do is to yell at the caller and end the call, but it could be important.

“Sho-kun? Oh there you are. It’s Toma!” A loud, panicky voice answers to Sho’s question.

Sho furrows his brows at that. What the fuck is Toma doing, calling him at this time of the night? But then he remembers that Jun was going to meet Toma. “What happened?”

“Sho-kun, I’m sorry for calling at this time of the day. It’s about Jun.”

So it is about Jun. Sho rubs his eyes with his free hand, trying to make himself more awake. “What about Jun?”

“He just left with a random girl from the bar. I don’t know where he’s heading, but seems like he’s heading to a love hotel?”

Sho groans. Jun can take random girls to random love hotel; it’s not like he never did that before. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Jun was drunk. Shun and I lost sight of him for a moment, and the next thing we knew, he’s gone. The bartender told us.”

Sho sighs at the new information. Drunk Jun is something entirely different. That guy would probably not remember about everything when he wakes up in the morning.

But still, it’s not really Sho’s business.

“Sho-kun? Are you still there? The bartender told us he might have seen the girl putting something on Jun’s drink. Shun and I thought that it’s dangerous, so he has decided to try to look for them and he told me to call you. Are you—I’m sorry, were you sleeping?”

“Yes, I was sleeping,” Sho answers, annoyed. But it’s the least of his concerns now. If the bartender really did see someone putting something on Jun’s drink then it’s probably something dangerous. It won’t hurt to check on him. “Where are you?”

“Ginza,” Toma answers shortly. “I’ll text you the details.”

Sho hums and ends the call. He heads to the bathroom to wash his face. He doesn’t like being woken up at this hour of the day, but he won’t like it more if something bad happens to Jun.

When Sho gets out from the bathroom, he picks his phone up of the bed and checks. Toma has sent him the location of the bar, plus a list of possible love hotels Jun might be in. Sho replies with a short ‘Thanks’ and gets dressed. He makes sure to bring all the things that he needs—phone, wallet, keys—before leaving the house.

It’s quite chilly outside for a summer night, so Sho returns to the house to take a cardigan to wear. He doesn’t want to get sick because of a silly reason.


Sho receives another text from Toma when he’s around the area, telling that Shun has found the love hotel that Jun headed off to. Sho drives to the new destination, and he slows down as he gets closer.

What he sees after isn’t really what he was expecting. There’s Jun, walking on the side of the street alone. There’s no sign of some weird girl who might have tricked him to go with her. Jun doesn’t look like he was drugged either. He surely looks drunk, but nothing out of what Sho is accustomed to.

Sho pulls over near Jun. Jun doesn’t seem to realize it, so Sho gets out of the car and calls him.

Jun turns around, and he frowns upon seeing Sho. “What are you doing here?”

“Toma called me, he said you’re leaving with—”

“Oh man can’t you guys leave me alone just for a minute?!” Jun closes his eyes and waves his hand in desperation.

“Well, he said you’re probably being drugged, so—”

“I’m fine, Sho-kun. Can’t you see it? I’m fine. I’m heading home now. That woman did try to drug me and ask for money, but I’m not stupid, okay? I can take care of myself. I just need a break, and apparently”—Jun leers at Sho—“I can’t have it. Of course those idiots have to call you here.”

“Jun, you’re drunk,” Sho speaks, his tone low but firm. “Come with me. I can take you home with my car.”

“No. Why should I?”

“You’re drunk. I won’t let you go home walking by yourself.”


“Come, or I’ll have to drag you to the car.”

Jun sighs in defeat. “Oh, whatever. Free ride, yay!” Jun walks to Sho’s car—he still remembers it even when he’s drunk—and Sho presses the button to unlock the car so Jun can get in.

Somewhere on the way to his place, Jun falls asleep. Sho doesn’t realize it as he’s focused on driving—not wanting to make a conversation anyhow—until he hears Jun mumbling things. Sho looks to his side, wanting to know if Jun is talking on the phone or something, but apparently he’s asleep.

From the faint mumbles, Sho can make out some clear “don’t want to”, “not this one”, and “stop”. He wonders what that could be about, but he decides that he’ll just leave Jun be. When they arrive at Jun’s place, Sho only shakes Jun’s shoulder a couple of times to wake him up.

Jun leaves the car without anything more than a small, mumbled “Thanks, Sho-kun,” which Sho only nods on.

Sho goes straight home after that. He doesn’t dwell on why Jun acted that way, why he asked Sho—and probably Shun and Toma—to just leave him alone. He doesn’t think much about what might make Jun talk in his sleep; Sho never knew before if Jun has a habit of talking in his sleep.

It’s four in the morning now, and Sho only hopes that he can get some more sleep before going to work in the morning. It has been an eventful night.


It has been more than a week since the night Sho sends drunken Jun home. They haven’t talked about it after; Jun hasn’t said anything, and Sho doesn’t feel like bringing it up either. It’s not something they do, after all, talking about things that are more personal than work-related.

They haven’t been doing anything aside from not talking, though. Sho figures that Jun is just too busy to even think about lashing his pent-up frustration in sex like usual, so he doesn’t try to prod further. It’s not like they’re obligated to come to each other to have sex anyway; it’s just that Sho has always been Jun’s number one choice and that’s the same with Sho.

But if Jun doesn’t want to do anything with him for the time being, Sho will respect that.

Nino’s voice from the other side of the room takes Sho back to the present. When Sho turns to look at Nino, he’s waving his hand, gesturing to Sho to come over. Sho takes his belongings from the coffee table and stands up to leave.

All of them are going to eat ramen outside tonight—Ohno is treating them. There’s no special occasion, he says, but as far as Sho remembers, Ohno has never treated them for no reason before, so he guesses that something good—that he doesn’t yet want to talk about—has happened.

When Sho gets out of the green room, he only sees Nino. “Where are the others?”

“Ohno is with Aiba, so I’ll be riding with you,” Nino answers lightly. “Come on, they have left a couple of minutes ago.”

Sho frowns at Nino’s answer. “Is Jun going to drive himself there?”

“Oh, no, he’s not going. He has filming tonight.”

“Filming? At this time?”

“Yeah. Between Oh-chan’s ninja movie and my chef movie, you wouldn’t think that his high school-ish romance movie would be filming this late, would you?”

Sho shrugs as he fishes out his car keys from the front pocket of his bag. He pushes the button to unlock his car, and Nino goes straight over to let himself in. They go to the ramen shop without talking more about Jun’s schedule. There’s a nagging thought in the back of Sho’s mind about not knowing that Jun is even busier than he thinks, but he brushes it off easily. For all he knows, Nino might be the only one who’s privy to that. It’s not a secret that Nino is the person Jun talks to before the others.

They arrive at the ramen shop, and when they walk in, Ohno and Aiba are already waiting on the table. Sho apologizes briefly for being late and making them wait, but Ohno dismisses it lightly.

A waitress comes over when they’re all seated, and leaves after they gave her their orders.

“Where is Matsujun?” Aiba is the one starting the conversation.

“He told me he’s not coming,” Ohno answers, shrugging. “Apparently his movie is filming tonight.”

“Yeah, he told me that too,” Nino chirps. “He’s always this busy when he has a project. Is that how it’s supposed to be when we’re involved in a project? I think the only time I was so busy I couldn’t hang out with you guys was when I did Iwo Jima.”

Nino’s question throws all pairs of eyes on that table to Sho.

“What?” Sho asks, his brow lifting as he laughs nervously.

“You’re the other guy who gets that busy when you have a project,” Nino explains.

“Well,” Sho clears his throat, “I’ve never worked with Matsujun, so I don’t know for myself.”

“Stop dodging questions like that, Sho-kun!” Aiba laughs.

Sho doesn’t get what Aiba meant by ‘dodging questions’, but then their beers arrive and their conversation gets cut for a moment. And then more, because they toast and drink their beer after that.

It’s Aiba, again, who starts the conversation after that. “I heard Matsujun’s current project is a toughie, though. He himself said that he didn’t expect this movie to make him this busy.”

“Yeah. But none of us did, right, Sho-san?” Nino tilts his head to look at Sho.

“Oh?” It catches Sho off-guard. “I didn’t know about this. How busy is he, exactly?”

“Busier than my ninja movie, can you believe that?” Ohno adds. But only briefly, because he continues to sip his beer in silence.

“He really is that busy?” Sho asks again. “I’ve never heard about this before.”

“Really?” Nino asks before exchanging glances with Aiba. “I thought you making jokes about that was because you knew about it.”

“I didn’t.” Sho sighs. “Ugh. I think I have done something terrible.”

Another glance is exchanged between Nino and Aiba. “It’s okay, Sho-chan,” Aiba says. “You didn’t know.”

Their food arrives after that, saving Sho from talking. They continue talking about light topics as they eat—Nino’s progress in Pokemon GO, Aiba’s new favorite Chinese dining place, and Ohno’s summer fishing plans. Sho doesn’t contribute much to the conversation, only offering light hum and brief nod here and there.

After they finished eating and Ohno paid for the expenses, they part ways. Nino goes with Aiba and Ohno this time, and Sho is left alone driving his car home. He only had one beer, so it’s not a problem for him to drive home alone.

The actual problem, Sho thinks after he’s alone and in his car, is that he starts to be worried about Jun. Is that why he wanted to be left by himself the other day even after he fucked Sho with abandon? Trying to channel his frustration into something else more than what he usually does?

Sho doesn’t think that it will affect him that much, but it does. It stings to see Jun trying to wreck himself like the other day. It upsets him that he didn’t notice the extent of Jun’s stress because of his new project. He even made jokes about it!

But when Sho tries to think further about the matter, he realizes that he never knew a lot about Jun. All Sho knows is when Jun is frustrated, he’ll come to Sho as an outlet to let out his anger, and Sho has done the same to him. They’ve never talked about what really bothers them, even though they sometimes cuddle and stay the night.

Mostly, it’s just sex and that’s it. He would leave Jun’s place in the middle of the night to go back to his own place and vice versa.

Sho can’t remember how and when it all started. He can’t figure out why they have changed from the two best friends who talk about everything about their lives to a couple of fuck buddies.

Sho can’t remember when the last time Jun called his phone to tell him about his day. He didn’t notice when those phone calls had stopped.

The only thing he remembers is that he’s mostly cold and mean to Jun in those phone calls and probably that’s why Jun has stopped.

Regret always comes late, Sho thinks as he steps on the gas pedal. It’s too late now. Jun has stopped talking to him about his life matters, and he probably will never speak of them again.

But is it, though? Sho thinks when he takes the last turn to his place. The worry that filled him once he heard about how hard it has been for Jun lately isn’t something for him to ignore. The fact that he just went to look for Jun in the wee hours of the morning after a phone call from Toma proves that he still has the feeling of wanting to protect Jun at all cost.

Sho sighs as he turns off the car in his apartment building’s parking lot. Jun wanted him to be there and he didn’t, and now he wants to be there for Jun while Jun no longer does. But is that true? Have Jun’s feelings completely changed towards him?

Will Jun allow Sho to be there again for him?


All members of Arashi are greeting each other goodbye after they’ve finished working for the day. Sho watches warily as Ohno, Nino, and Aiba leave the room. The three of them are going home together in Aiba’s car. They mentioned about grabbing dinner first on their way home, and they offered Sho and Jun to come by, but both turned down the offer.

“So, where are we going?” Jun looks at Sho while putting the straps of his bag over his shoulder.

Sho looks at Jun, surprised. He doesn’t remember mentioning anything to Jun. He thought Jun declined Aiba’s offer because he has somewhere else to go.

“Oh come on, you were shifting on your seat when Aiba asked me.” Jun laughs. “You can just tell me if you want to get dinner together, you know.”

Sho replies with a nervous laugh, “Sorry. I didn’t think you’ll catch that.”

Jun smiles fondly. “Really? You didn’t think so? How long do you think I’ve known you, Sho-kun?”

Jun is teasing, but he sounds so caring that Sho feels warm all over. The last time Jun talked to him with such caring tone was probably two months ago, when the filming for his movie has just started. Sho just realizes it now; he misses it.

“What about that Italian place on the 8th?”

Jun shakes his head at that. “I don’t feel like having anything fancy.”

Sho frowns as he thinks for an alternative. He has wanted to ask Jun to go to a fancy place because he was planning to have a talk with Jun, but if Jun doesn’t want anything fancy, then— “What about that soba place?”

“Ah, the usual? That sounds good. Let’s go.”

They leave the agency building after that, walking instead of taking Sho’s car because the place is within walking distance. The walk is spent with both of them talking about their current projects (although Sho has refrained himself from talking about Jun’s new movie), about their friends (Sho tries hard to not think about the night Toma called), about their juniors—both of them agree that they should probably try to get along with more of the younger guys.

There’s nothing special about the dinner; they continue talking about the things they’re mutually involved in over soba and two glasses of beer. Sho wants to bring up the thing he has wanted to talk about with Jun, but the vibe of their conversation doesn’t really feel right to bring up such topic. Before Sho realizes it, their time together has ended with him not getting the chance to say what’s on his mind.

On the walk back to the agency—Sho to take his car, Jun following because he agreed when Sho offered a ride home—they don’t talk. Jun takes his phone out and just scrolls on it all the way, so Sho settles with walking beside him, looking at the night scenery. It’s not much, only the road and the cloudy sky of Tokyo, but it’s been quite a long time since the last time Sho took his time to appreciate the view like that.

Jun doesn’t say anything as he climbs onto the car right after Sho unlocked the door. Sho gets in after Jun, then he’s greeted by Jun’s face turned at his direction, expression firm and questioning.

“What have you been wanting to ask me?”

“What?” Sho returns the question.

“You didn’t just take me out to dinner with the purpose of eating dinner, did you?”

Sho looks at Jun in disbelief. “You actually know that?”

Jun scoffs and leans back on his seat, facing the front. He doesn’t answer Sho’s question with words, but it’s enough for Sho.

“Mind if we talk on the way? Someone might wonder why we’re staying inside a car in the agency’s office.”

Jun shrugs. “You’re the one wanting to talk, whatever works for you.”

Sho starts the car’s engine on that. Jun takes out his phone and shifts his focus to it, probably noticing that Sho isn’t going to talk soon.

“I’m not sure how to bring this up,” Sho starts. He takes a deep breath, thinking about his next choice of words. “But I heard you’re having a hard time on your new movie.”

Upon hearing Sho uttering ‘new movie’, Jun halts his movements. Only for a moment though, because he then hums his assent and continues scrolling.

“Well I’m—I’m sorry that I said all those jokes. It was insensitive of me.”

“Apology accepted,” Jun nods.

“It’s not just that, Jun.” Sho turns his head to the side. “Well, that time I’m picking you up from Ginza?”

Jun freezes at that. He puts his phone down and looks at Sho. “Yeah, what about that? What were you doing? Did you really come as soon as Toma called you?”

Sho looks at Jun and nods. “I did.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Well, that’s what I want to talk about with you.”

Jun snorts. “You need to work better on the way you beat around the bush before getting to the point.”

Sho can almost hear Jun roll his eyes while he said that. “Hey, I meant to apologize to you about that, okay? And this is related with that.”

“Yeah. Whatever, Sho-san, my house is just around the corner, keep going.”

Sho sighs. Why doesn’t Jun get how hard it is for him to say something like this while driving?

“Don’t,” Sho says when Jun is about to get out of the car. They have reached Jun’s apartment complex, the car parked right in front of Jun’s building.


“I can’t say it while I’m driving,” Sho explains. He takes another deep breath. “Jun, I came over that night because I wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

“I could see that.”

“No, Jun. Listen to me. This… arrangement, it doesn’t work for me.”

“What arrangement?”

“You come to me whenever you want to let off some steam, and I come to you when I want to,” Sho explains. “It’s not working for me.”

Jun straightens up on his seat and looks at Sho right in the eye. “Sakurai Sho. It has been like that for years over already. What do you mean it’s not working for you?”

“Jun.” Sho reaches out to take Jun’s hand in his. “I—” he closes his eyes, takes a breath, and opens them again. “I care about you more than that. I want to be there for you more than just that.”

Jun exhales a long breath. “Does that mean you want to have a relationship with me or something?”

“It’s not ‘or something’,” Sho answers. “It’s the other thing.”

Jun mocks a laugh. “You can’t even say it!”

“Jun.” Sho squeezes Jun’s hand harder. “I mean it. I can’t do this fuck-buddy thing with you. I think—,” he gulps, “—I think I want to have a serious relationship with you.”

Sho watches as Jun shakes his head in response.

“Do you… do you not want that?” Sho asks, his voice shaking at the end.

“Sho.” Jun sighs. “Sho. I thought you are the one not wanting that. I practically threw myself at you years ago. I dumped all information about myself, hoping that you might reciprocate by telling me about you, but then you brushed them off just so easily instead.”

Sho wants to cut it off, telling that it’s different now, but Jun holds up his hand between them.

“Let me finish. I followed your game, Sho. That night when you barged into my hotel room, your breath reeking of alcohol. We were what, 20? 21? You said you wanted me and I was so, so, happy. But then all you wanted was to have sex with me.”

Jun turns his face away so Sho can’t look at his eyes. When he speaks again, his voice is shaking, “And then you came again. And again. And I thought, if that’s what you need from me, if with that I can support you in a way that a friend couldn’t, then I’ll do that.”

“Jun.” Sho squeezes Jun’s hands. He tries to pull Jun to hold him, but Jun resists. “I’m sorry. I was—I was young back then, Jun. I didn’t understand how to actually show you that I care.”

Jun’s head whips at that. He looks at Sho now, his eyes bleary. “And do you know how to show that you care now?”

“I want to make up for all those times I’ve been a jerk to you, Jun. I want to take care of you like how I was supposed to.”

There’s a long silence after that. Jun doesn’t say anything, just staring at Sho with a look Sho isn’t able to decipher. Sho tries his hardest to tell Jun with his eyes how much he cares, how much he resents all the time he has spent being a jerk to Jun.

When Jun speaks again, his voice is stern. “Have you thought this through, Sho-san?”

“What do you mean?”

“We can’t just jump into a relationship like that,” Jun replies, his eyes still not leaving Sho’s. “It’s not going to be easy. Think about what the agency might think.”

“They don’t care.” Sho shakes his head. He senses hope coming his way. The agency never cares about their personal relationship, as long as they keep it to themselves. “I mean, as long as we still do our job properly, they won’t care.”

Sho can feel anticipation building up inside him as he sees Jun sigh in defeat.

“What about your parents?” Jun asks again, his voice lower, close to a whisper.

“What about my parents?”

Jun closes his eyes and sighs. “How do you plan to tell your parents about this? About us being in a relationship? Do they even know that you’re gay?”

Sho blinks. He understands what Jun is trying to say. He shakes his head slowly. “No, they don’t know.”

“And when do you plan to let them know?”

“Well I haven’t thought about it,” Sho admits, head dropping, hold on Jun’s hands loosening.

“See, Sho? That’s what I mean.” Sho thinks he can hear that Jun’s voice is as desperate and dejected as his.

Sho lifts his head to look at Jun. “I thought you want this.”

“I do, Sho. But I don’t want to be the person who stands between you and your family. I don’t want to fight them with you either. I don’t want to be the bad guy who takes you away from them. Or however it is.”

Or however it is, Sho thinks. Probably Jun’s right. Probably he should have settled it all first before telling Jun about all of this.

“But I want to take care of you, Jun.”

“Sho-san,” Jun raises his voice. “You keep saying that you want to take care of me.” Jun shakes his head. “You know what? I can take care of myself. You don’t have to worry about me like that.”

“It’s not—” Sho shakes his head, but Jun is faster. He unbuckles the seatbelt and opens the door before Sho can finish his sentence.

“Good night, Sho-san,” Jun says before getting out of the car, closing the door behind him.

Sho looks at Jun as he walks towards the entrance of the building. He wants to chase Jun to explain things, but he doesn’t think he can explain it without making Jun angrier.

Probably they are better off like this, anyway. They’re better at having sex than at talking. It’s preposterous, Sho thinks as he drives his car away.

But Jun is actually right about his parents, Sho thinks as he navigates home. Sho has never considered coming out before because he has no idea how his parents would react. If there is another thing his parents would dislike more than his choice to be an idol, that’s probably the fact that he’s gay.

Sho knows that, like other normal parents, his parents want him to marry a respectable woman and start a family. They just don’t push him to do it soon because they can see how busy he is with work.

Although, if he’s telling his parents about his plan to spend the rest of his life with Jun, he knows that his parents would flip. He knows that it will make his mother sad, and his mother’s grief will make his father get angry at him.

Sho doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to ignite such unnecessary fight inside his family. Not when he’s still trying to make up for his rebellious decision of joining Johnny’s Entertainment agency over fifteen years ago.

It’s when Sho reaches his building that he comes to a decision. Probably, if he can make the relationship work with Jun, if he can show his parents how much Jun means to him, then they would be able to take it more lightly.

And besides, if Jun doesn’t agree to take their relationship to a serious one, then he won’t have anything to assure his parents that he’s happier with his life choice. Sho sighs. Whatever the case, he needs to calm himself down and pick better words to say that won’t offend Jun.

That, and then he can start to consider how to tell his parents about his sexual orientation.


Sho walks into the bar and heads straight to the usual private room. They’re hanging out after work again, full team this time since Jun has confirmed that he’s coming along too. Actually, it’s a celebration for the crank up for his filming.

The darned movie that has given Sho a lot of headaches is finally over. He can’t help but feel so happy for Jun.

A waiter greets Sho, recognizes him from his look, and leads him to the room. Sho is getting closer now; he can hear the cheerful conversation going on in the room, even though he can’t make out the words.

When he’s almost reaching the room’s threshold, the waiter bows and leaves him. Sho is just about to get into the room when he finally can listen to the conversation going on inside.

Not so faintly, Sho can hear Jun saying, “I don’t care about Sho’s parents,” followed by the sound of laughter. No one else in the room laughs but Jun, though. But since Jun is the one laughing, Sho feels his blood boiling.

Sho doesn’t want to go inside now. Not when Jun is talking about whatever about his parents. He’s not stupid, he can put two and two together and guess that Jun must be talking about their previous conversation.

Sho decides that it’s better for him to leave, as he’s not sure he’ll be able to hold himself from snapping at Jun once he’s in. Besides, they’re here to celebrate Jun’s finished project, and Sho doesn’t feel like celebrating for Jun at the moment. Sho turns on his heels and walks away faster than when he came.

On his way out, Sho meets Ohno who looks at him with confused eyes. “You’re not coming?” Ohno asks.

Sho doesn’t want to lie, but he doesn’t know how to tell Ohno without lying either, so he goes for another option: he knows Ohno will tell everyone in the room about his reason of leaving. That includes Jun. “I’m sorry. Something just came up. I have to go to my parents’ house. It’s kind of an emergency.”

Ohno’s face changes at that. He shows a sign of concern under the usually plain expression. “I hope everything is alright. Have you told the others?”

Sho shakes his head. “I just arrived here. I haven’t even made it to the room. Can you send the others my apology? I really, really have to leave now.”

Ohno lifts an eyebrow at that, like he’s not convinced that Sho can hold a brief conversation with him now but doesn’t have the time to tell the others about the situation. He nods anyway, and Sho has to keep himself from exhaling a relieved breath.

Sho bids Ohno goodbye and promises that he’ll make it up some other time.

So Jun doesn’t care about his parents. Then why has he been so persistent about the matter when they talked the other day? Has it only been a reason—a very weak one at that, now that Sho thinks about it—that he used because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with Sho?

He should have just said that, Sho thinks. There’s no use of bringing up the parents issue if it’s him who’s not interested.


Follow the link for part 2


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