[identity profile] stormymood.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] arashi_exchange
A piece of rainbow for [livejournal.com profile] xdestroying Part 4

“Jun,” Sho lays a hand on Jun’s shoulder, turning him around.

Jun turns around, and he sees a face of Sho that he has never seen before. He looks stern and severe. His brows are raised, the upper part of his nose is wrinkled, and his lips are pulled to a thin line. Jun thinks that’s probably how he himself look like when he’s close to snapping. Sho looks like Jun just intruded into Sho’s house without permission.

Sho seems like he wants to tell Jun to get off, to get out of his house because he shouldn’t be here in the first place.

But then Jun keeps staring at him and Sho blinks, his face softens.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Jun,” Sho shakes his head, his eyes staring at the ground.

“What are you sorry for?” Jun tries to keep his voice steady even when he feels close to freaking out. He just saw a body bag inside of Sho’s bedroom, and now Sho is apologizing to him.

Jun can only think of one thing given that circumstances, and he isn’t really sure of what to feel about that.

Sho lifts his head, and when he does, Jun can see the look on his face changing again. He looks worried, his lips pursed, his eyes looking at Jun, pleading.

Another face Jun has never seen before. Jun tries to keep himself grounded even though he’s even closer to snapping now. He needs to hear Sho’s explanation for this.

“What are you saying sorry for, Sakurai?” Jun repeats his question, using Sho’s family name now to stress a point. He needs Sho to answer, and he needs Sho to understand that.

Sho inhales a long, deep breath, and then he sighs. “Yes, it’s a body bag.”

“What’s inside it?” Jun’s voice comes out trembling even though he tries so hard to hold himself.

Sho closes his eyes and frowns before giving his answer. “A dead man’s body.”

Jun sucks a hitched breath. One part of his presumption is right. He feels like he’s on the edge of a cliff now. One more question and then nothing will hold him from a free fall.

“Why is it here?” Jun starts to feel his whole body trembling, but he throws the question out anyway. He needs to know the whole truth of the situation.

Besides, he has been waiting too long for being able to fall freely without thinking about too many consequences.

“I told you,” Sho opens his eyes. He looks at Jun as he pauses his words, looking bold and undeterred. “I was working.”

Jun swallows, his throat suddenly feels dry. Sho being so close to him doesn’t help either. It’s almost like the room is suddenly vacuumed of air. Jun feels suffocated.

But he needs to know for sure before he lets his emotion get the best of him.

“Did you kill him?” Jun asks, and at the same time, makes a move to get closer to the body bag. He sits down to keep control of himself, but when he does, he realizes that every part of his body aches.

And Jun knows it’s not because he just had sex on the kitchen counter.

Jun keeps his stare on Sho after he throws the question, watching Sho’s face wince in discomfort. Sho takes a moment to gain composure of himself again, and then he nods.

“I told you,” Sho moves closer again to Jun, although now he keeps his distance from the edge of the bed, “I was working. I was actually working on that.”

“Were you murdering him?” Jun asks but doesn’t expect an answer. What he has in mind can’t be wrong. Sho must have used the loud music to muffle whatever sound he needs to make when he’s committing the murder.

Jun feels himself stir. He knows that, normally, he should be terrified to find out that his neighbor is a murderer, but he can’t. The discovery thrilled him to the point that he finds it difficult to breathe.

But Jun can’t let himself give in to his bloodlust. Not now, not with Sho staring at him, waiting for a typical response from him. He shakes his head and grips on the bed.

“This isn’t your first time?” Jun says again, and at that, Sho nods quickly. “Why?”

Sho breathes, this time looking annoyed. Probably he’s irked by Jun’s response—or the lack of it. Jun watches as Sho tries to put his thoughts to order the words.

But in the end, Sho sighs in defeat and answers, “I need to do something to unwind, and it’s not like those people I killed deserve to live after what they’ve done anyway.”

Jun holds his breath as he remembers the news he watched from the other day. So that one might be Sho’s doing too, because the previous night, Jun heard the loud music Sho played in his house too.

“The music,” Jun hangs his tone. He has guessed it, but he needs confirmation.

“It’s to muffle whatever sound my victim will make,” Sho nods, “I always give them sedatives, but you’ll never know what sounds they might make. Besides,” Sho lifts his eyes, thinking for a moment, “Sometimes I feel like using a gun instead of knives.”

“The car,” It’s not a common thing to see someone living in the middle of Tokyo uses a car to get around. The fact that Sho has a huge ass car doesn’t make it more normal either.

“It’s to make moving the body easier,” Sho nods again, moving closer.

“The empty place besides this one,” Jun stiffens. He just realizes one thing; he might be in actual danger.

Sho lifts his eyebrows, frowning, still moves even closer now, “I always pay double rent to have this floor all to myself, that’s why the landlord hasn’t really been looking for anyone to live in there. But then you came anyway.”

“Do you—,” Jun starts to tremble again now that Sho is close to him again. He tries to breathe normally to keeps himself steady, but it’s even harder to do now.

“Do you—me—do you want to—” Jun stutters.

“Do you mean to ask if I want to kill you?” Sho looks at him. Sho looks sad, devastated even, to the point that had the situation been different, Jun would have hauled him to his hold and told him that everything is going to be alright.

But this one isn’t one of the different situations Jun has in mind. Slowly, he nods his head. Then it feels like a chilly breeze has hit Jun’s nape. He shivers, one that distributes throughout his whole body, giving him a full body tremor.

It’s not because of Sho’s piercing, pleading look at him, not because the uncertainty of what Sho’s answer going to be. No. The thing is, if Sho answers that, yes, he wants to kill Jun, then Jun will have no idea what to do.

Because that means he might do it right now that the situation calls for it, and honestly, Jun is afraid.

Sho doesn’t break his stare. He looks like he’s waiting for something even though Jun has given him the answer to his question. Jun swears he can almost see the many things flashing in Sho’s head from the look in his eyes.

The silence keeps stretching as Jun waits for what Sho has to say.

After what seems like a whole hour in itself, Sho closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He still has his eyes shut tight when he answers, “I did want to kill you.”

It wasn’t louder than a whisper, but Jun hears it clearly.

Jun sucks a breath as he tries to control himself. His body is still shaking, thrilled for what Sho has to say about it. “Did?”

Sho draws another breath, eyes still closed. Then he opens his eyes and looks at Jun. “Yes. I did.”

“What about now?” Jun finds his voice croaks. He’s terrified now. The logical thing to do right now is leaving Sho to find safety for himself.

But something holds Jun to stay in his place, to listen to what Sho has as the answer.

Sho opens his eyes, and for the first time that night, Jun sees fear there. More than anything else. And Jun doesn’t know, has no idea of what to think about, because Sho is scared.

When between the two of them, Sho is the one with a proven ability to wreck one of them more tonight.

“You disturbed me,” is what leaving Sho’s mouth, “I was going to seduce you by greeting you with nothing but my underwear,” Sho drops his head, his voice cracking.

“I was so sure that it will work. That I will have you at my mercy, and then I can just kill you like I have done to so many people, when you invited me to dinner so soon after.”

Jun watches as Sho takes a seat beside him on the bed. He claps his hands together, propping his forehead, his elbows on his thighs. Then he unclasps them and starts to talk again, to the floor this time, like he can’t say it straight to Jun’s face.

Like it’s a failure he’s not willing to admit, but at the same time, it’s something he considers so precious for him that he doesn’t want to share it with anyone.

Not even Jun, even though Sho is currently talking about Jun. He’s babbling about how Jun has made him forget his initial intention. About how he finds someone he wants to protect with all his life.

A person he’s willing to risk his life for.

Jun closes his eyes and turns his head away. It sounds like Sho is sharing a secret he hold deepest in his heart, and it burns Jun from the inside to listen to it.

When Sho’s done with his explanation, and the silence is filling the room, Jun opens his eyes. He can see that Sho is looking at him.

“I have never loved anyone the way I feel about you, Jun,” Sho says finally, looking at Jun with expectation in his eyes.

That’s when Jun makes his decision. He stands up. Sho’s eyes follow his movement.

Standing right in front of Sho, Jun reaches out to touch Sho’s face with his palm. Sho leans into his touch, closing his eyes. Jun runs his thumb over Sho’s cheek, and Sho opens his eyes.

“Sho, I’m—I’m sorry,” Jun closes his eyes. “This is a whole lot of information at once, and I need time to take it in.”

Sho inhales a deep breath, his eyes not leaving Jun. “I know it is,” he whispers. “Just, I’m still going to let you know that, this is not going to change.”

“What?” Jun asks, choking on his word, “You killing people to have your definition of fun?”

Sho sighs and nods, closing his eyes for a moment. “That, yes. It’s not going to change.”

Sho reaches to hold Jun’s hand. Jun can feel how cold that hand is, almost ice cold, but Jun doesn’t let go of it.

“But what I was going to say is,” Sho takes a breath and caresses the back of Jun’s hand with his palm. “You’re important to me. And that is not going to change, Jun. I will make sure that no one hurt you in any way.”

“With my own way,” Sho adds, squeezing Jun’s hand.

Jun closes his eyes. He squeezes back before pulling his hand and leave.

That might have been the most romantic thing someone has ever told Jun.


Jun pulls his phone out of his pocket. He pulls LINE app up, and taps on his conversation with Nino. He sends Nino a message to let him know that he’s coming.

‘It’s past midnight, Jun-kun. What makes you think that it’s okay to come over?’ and ‘Well just bring me some beer. I’m running out’ are what Jun receives as answers, not a minute later.

He pockets his phone back and starts to get some of his stuff inside a duffel bag. He’s going to stay with Nino for the rest of the weekend.

It’s unimaginable for Jun to stay in his house after what Sho has confessed to him. Jun needs some space, and staying in a place that basically shares a wall with Sho isn’t going to do.

Nino’s place isn’t the ideal place to go either, though. But Jun doesn’t want to be alone now. He doesn’t trust himself enough to be alone with this chaos inside his head.

He might try to drink his problems away and end up too drunk to think. Or worse, he’ll forget his worries and just run back to Sho and tell him how Jun doesn’t want to leave him.

Jun doesn’t want to leave Sho. If any, Sho’s confession only makes him want to be with Sho even more, but there’s one thing Jun hasn’t told Sho and he’s not ready to open himself up to Sho to that extent.

Well his secret is nothing compared to Sho’s secret as an actual murderer, but still. Jun isn’t sure if Sho will accept him once he tells him about why he is so obsessed with murders. And if Jun tells Sho about it, he has to admit how broken he is, and that’s what he fears the most.

No one in the world who has known about Jun’s condition is willing to remain in a relationship with Jun. Once they know Jun is emotionally wrecked, they will leave for good. Jun isn’t sure that Sho will be the person who will stay with him.

And Jun doesn’t want to lose Sho, too, of all people.

Jun arrives near Nino’s building half an hour later. He makes a stop at the nearest convenience store to grab some cans of beer, as per Nino requested. He thinks about getting Nino some food too, but then remembers that Nino won’t even bother to eat it, so he doesn’t.

Nino opens the door not two minutes after Jun knocked. He opens the door enough for Jun to get in, and doesn’t wait there in the doorway. Jun watches Nino’s back as he returns to the living room.

Jun lets himself in, taking his shoes off, taking Nino’s house sandals, and gets in.

“Put the beer in the fridge, Jun,” Nino tells him, eyes not leaving the TV screen. “You can use my bed if you want to sleep. I won’t be there until morning anyway.”

Jun nods, even though he knows Nino won’t see it. He won’t care about Jun’s response anyway. He’s busy playing his game. He probably just said that so Jun will know what to do in case Jun gets bored of just watching.

This is why Jun chose to come to Nino’s place. It’s always like that between them. They know, can sense it, when each other is in trouble, and will give each other the space they need to think about it.

Nino knows that Jun has his emotional problem too, and he can be there to take care of it when he needs to. The problem is that it might take a toll on him when they get in a serious relationship, and he doesn’t want it.

Jun understands it, though, because he knows that he himself is a difficult person to be around. Of all other people who have left him, Nino is the one that actually sticks around.

Even though he just stays as a friend, at least he didn’t go and just abandon Jun like many others.

Like, say, his parents, for one.

And that’s why, even though Sho has opened himself up to him, Jun can’t just go and tell Sho more about himself. For all he knows, if Jun hadn’t been accidentally figured it out, Sho might not be that willing to tell Jun about his secret.

But then again, Sho opened up to him when he asked, and it terrified Jun, mostly, because he’s not sure he would have been able to do that had it been him on Sho’s position.

Jun slightly regrets his decision to leave because had it been him who was left alone after such huge confession, he wouldn’t have been able to deal with it.

Jun walks to Nino’s fridge to store the beer he brought, and takes two cans of Nino’s in return. He brings them to the sofa, puts one on the coffee table for Nino, and opens the other one for himself. Nino mumbles a thank you and Jun nods, leaning on the sofa comfortably.

“I suppose you won’t tell me why you’re here over midnight on a Saturday night when you have a boyfriend now,” Nino breaks the silence after they didn’t say anything for a while, the game’s sound effect being the only thing filling the room.

Jun exhales a long breath. “Yeah,” he answers, eyes not moving from the exciting colors and graphics on Nino’s TV. “Where’s the other controller?”

“Under the TV, like usual. You wanna play too?” Nino pauses the game to look at Jun.

Jun shrugs. “If you’re okay with that,” he answers, already moves to take the controller for the console. He’s familiar with this too, he thinks. It’s a good thing he and Nino are still good friends.

Nino sighs. “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep instead?”

“I won’t be able to,” Jun replies, already holding the controller in his hand, “And just watching is boring. But if you don’t want me to join you, then I’ll look for something else to do.”

Nino frowns, looks like he’s considering his options. “Well okay. I won’t mind. But let me finish this level first, okay?”

It’s good enough for Jun. He nods and returns to sit beside Nino on the sofa. He watches as Nino plays his way through the level, sipping his beer minutely meanwhile.

Jun joins Nino on the next level, and he’s so thankful that Nino lets him play. He can set his focus on the game, leaving no room for his mind to think about anything else. He doesn’t need to think about Sho now, not when he’s trying to beat some ugly-faced bosses in the game.

Five levels and three cans of beer later, well, three for Nino, three and a half for Jun, Jun starts to feel sleepy. He lets out a yawn, and Nino sees that. He chuckles. “Go to sleep if you have to, Jun. You need it.”

“I can sleep here on the sofa,” Jun replies, still holding the game’s controller on his hand.

Nino snorts. “Don’t be silly. It’s okay. Use my bed. I promise I won’t try to do anything funny.”

At that, Jun laughs. It’s not what he has in mind, and he knows it’s not what Nino thinks too. He must have been trying to lighten up the mood by saying that, and Jun knows. Then he gives up. “Alright, if you insist.”

“Go. Just don’t do anything funny either, will you? I don’t want to have a memory of my best friend jerking off on my bed.”

Jun laughs louder. He loves Nino’s way of cheering him up without having to touch the subject of his real problem. Nino is always like that with everyone and Jun respects that the most about him.

Jun stands up and takes all the empty beer cans with him, bringing it to the kitchen to dispose of them. Nino nods his thanks at that, then reminds Jun to take his duffel bag with him. Saying that he also doesn’t want to see his best friend going out of his bed naked because he forgot to bring his clothes with him.

That makes Jun smack Nino’s back of the head, and then the two of them laugh. Jun takes his duffel bag with him, and walks to Nino’s room to get some sleep.

Probably things will feel better later in the morning. Probably Jun will wake up and suddenly feel that he’s ready to welcome Sho wholly inside his life. Jun shrugs at the unlikeliness of his own thought, but then again, everything has happened with incredible speed recently, and who knows.

Who knows if all Jun needs to settle his thought is just one night of good night sleep.


Jun spends the rest of the weekend at Nino’s place. Nino doesn’t mind about it, doesn’t try to prod Jun into telling him what’s going on, and it makes Jun thankful. He knows he can’t stay in Nino’s place forever, though, so he will go back to his place later tonight.

He has to work tomorrow, and Nino does, too, and he doesn’t want to bother Nino by being there. Besides, he needs to go back, his house can use some cleaning after he left it in haste this early morning.

Sho will be there, though, they will just be separated by a wall, and it makes Jun’s stomach twists uncomfortably. If Jun is careful enough, he can avoid seeing Sho on their doors in the morning and afternoon. But Jun can’t make sure that Sho won’t play his music when Jun’s back.

And Sho has explained that he plays the music to try to hide the noises he makes when he’s dealing with his… victim.

That is definitely more than just uncomfortable for Jun.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay going back to your place?” Nino’s voice breaks Jun out of his daydreaming. He comes out of his room, looking fresh because he just showered, toweling his hair as he looks at Jun with concern.

“Why do you think so?” Jun throws a look at him.

Nino shrugs, “Well. You came here. Doesn’t it mean it’s because you don’t want to sleep at your place because of a reason I have no idea what? Not that I want to know about anything, it’s fine.”

Jun sighs and walks to the kitchen to take a can of beer. He doesn’t say anything as he does so, and neither does Nino, who is already sitting on the sofa when Jun returns from the kitchen. Jun plops himself beside Nino, watching as his friend switches between channels on his TV.

“Well, Sho-kun and I are in a weird position right now,” Jun admits, sipping his beer, “He’s—it’s all happening so fast, I think. Don’t you think so?” Jun tilts his head to look at Nino. Nino snorts, making Jun frown. “It hasn’t even been a month since I moved into the building.”

“Well, Jun.” Nino looks at him, “Hey is that my beer? Why are you keep taking my beer?”

Jun gives Nino a look. “Technically, I bought them for you last night,” Jun raises his can and has another sip as Nino watches him.

“And that makes it mine, so you can’t just take it whenever you like it,” Nino takes the can from Jun and gulps down, “Aaah, this is good. Well if you keep bringing me that then I guess it’s fair when you take some.”

Jun raises his brow, “Really, Nino? After all of this, me crashing at your place with as much as one LINE message thirty minutes before I did, your complaint is me chugging on your beer, which I bought for you?”

Nino laughs at that, his face already returned to the TV screen. It’s on a news program right now. There’s not a lot of choices, after all, it’s six in the evening on a Sunday.

“Well, Jun, if that’s so, in exchange for you crashing at my place as you liked yesterday, can I say something about this whole thing with you and your neighbor?” Nino shifts his head to look at Jun.

It catches Jun by surprise. He doesn’t expect Nino to actually have anything to say about it. “Oh? Well then shoot.”

Nino takes a deep breath. “The thing is, I’ve been talking with Aiba about you and your new boyfriend.”

Jun cringes at the word boyfriend, Sho’s confession from the previous night still fresh in his memory.

“We noticed that too, Jun, that it’s something that’s too fast for you. I mean, I know you. We needed, what? Five dates? Before we started sleeping together?” Nino pauses. “Wait I need beer too if we’re going to talk about this.”

Jun leans back on the sofa, the can of beer in his hand. He watches Nino’s living room’s ceiling as he waits for Nino to return. So it’s not just him. His friends have also noticed that he has been moving so fast with Sho.

Not my fault, he thinks angrily. Sho was the one who started to seduce him, even though he had another agenda at that time. Jun sighs. Probably it was one of his reasons why he can’t open himself up to Sho. He’s not sure if he can trust Sho after the amount of things that man didn’t say to him.

But Sho had looked genuine when he told Jun that he won’t let anyone hurt Jun. Will it be okay to start trusting him after that?

“And after that five dates,” Nino’s voice brings Jun back to the present. “You didn’t let me inside your apartment. And I kept wondering what is wrong with this guy, haven’t we been friends for some time before we even started dating.”

Nino sips his beer and sits back down on the sofa. “Then I realized that you like to do this,” Nino makes a circle in the air with his hand, “relationship thingy with your own pace. That you don’t like anyone intruding into your personal space if it’s not you letting him. So I just let you do as you please.”

“But this guy, Jun, you let this guy into your place, even invited him on a house date, not long after you saw him for the first time. Aiba and I talked about it, and we thought, ah, Jun must like this guy so much for him to did so. Because I told Aiba about us too back then, so he understands.”

Jun snorts into his can. “What in the world do you not tell Aiba?”

Nino raises a brow, seems to be thinking. “Well whatever it is, I won’t tell you,” Nino says after a moment.

Jun laughs. “I might have guessed that.”

Nino shrugs, “Can I continue with this you and your neighbor thing?”

Jun nods his reply before he remembers something. “Actually, it wasn’t a date, because I just invited him to have dinner. And I was the new neighbor, so I was just trying to be a decent person.”

“Jun,” Nino replies, his can of beer put down on the table. “Be honest with me. If I was the one living there beside your house, when we started to decide to date each other, would you have invited me in?”

The reason Jun can’t let Nino inside his house when they’re dating was because he can’t let Nino sees his movie collection. He knew that the tall rack beside his TV would be the first thing that piques Nino’s interest. It wasn’t a fair comparison because, with Sho, he didn’t know about it beforehand.

So Jun decides to reply Nino as such. “It isn’t a fair comparison.”

“Really?” Nino gives him a look that he usually does when Jun doesn’t want to admit his feelings. Jun doesn’t understand why Nino gives him that look now when he knows he’s not avoiding anything.

His problem with Sho is that he doesn’t want to open up to him because he doesn’t know if Sho will be the right person for him to do so. He’s not avoiding anything at the moment, he’s not being denial.

Seeing that Jun isn’t going to give his answer, Nino sighs. “Okay, then, let’s put it another way.”

“Do you remember the times before you started interacting with that neighbor of yours, Jun?” Nino’s gaze on Jun intensifies this time, piercing through Jun’s eyes. Jun can almost feel the sharpness hurting in his eyes.

Jun tries to recall the times before he moved into his new place, before he met Sho, before he invited him to dinner. There’s nothing he can remember aside from the fact that he just lived his normal life at that time, catering to his need by watching something from his movie collection every so often and tuning in to criminal news whenever he can.

“Yes. And everything was normal back then? I go on and about my life just like how I usually do?” Jun looks at Nino, returning Nino’s piercing stare with a sharp ‘what are you implying’ glare.

“Precisely,” Nino nods, his gaze softens a bit. “You changed a lot ever since you’re involved with him. I don’t know if it’s because of the sex, or if it’s because what you guys are talking about, because according to you, all you guys talked about are your jobs.”

“Ever since you’ve become involved with him, you’ve been happy, Jun. Aiba said he doesn’t have to worry about accidentally upsetting you at work because you seem to stop fussing over the small things.”

Jun looks at Nino with the same intensity. He still doesn’t get what Nino is trying to say. What is he being happy supposed to do with anything? Is this about his anger problem again?

Nino sees the look on Jun’s eyes, and he sighs. “Don’t you get it? You let him in, and then you’re happier than we’ve ever seen you for years. Probably things are moving so fast because that’s how it’s supposed to be and you’re worrying about nothing.”

Jun’s eyes grow wider. He never thought about it that way. Sho’s presence in his life makes him happier, that is true. But other than that, he never thinks about it that way. All he knows is things are moving faster than how he prefers and it bothers him a lot.

Jun’s expression is apparently enough for Nino. He smiles fondly at Jun in return. “We’ve known you for long enough to know that this one is not the same as the others, Jun. Not even I could make you as happy as Sakurai had made you. Aiba and I agreed that it’s what matters.”

Jun’s eyebrows quirk up at Nino’s last sentence. “Wait, you and Aiba agreed on what?”

Nino chuckles, the soft laugh that always makes Jun happy to hear. “We’re worried about you. You just moved into that building, and we haven’t even had a chance for a surprise housewarming party—Aiba’s idea, not mine—and you already complained about your neighbor. But then the next thing we know you’re inviting this noisy neighbor into your house, and you even cooked him dinner.”

“The speed makes us worried more than it makes you, Jun. But then Aiba pointed out that you’re happier than you have ever been, and then we agreed that probably, for once, Jun-kun finally doesn’t fuck things up,” Nino pauses, his brows knitted, “Well you definitely fucked that guy, but I don’t need to know about that.”

Jun rolls his eyes and smacks Nino’s head. But he’s smiling, and Nino laughs as he receives Jun’s blow.

“So.. I don’t know what you’ve been thinking, Jun,” Nino stands up all of a sudden, “But I think, from the way you have been since you got here last night, I’d say it’s okay to take that leap of faith.”

Nino walks to the kitchen, probably to dispose of the empty can and takes a new one from the fridge. Jun looks at his back the entire time. Was he that transparent? How can Nino know that he’s thinking about making a big decision that he’s not sure about?

But then again it’s Nino. He literally just gave Jun a long talk about how he had looked like for a couple of weeks. Of course it’s apparent for Nino that Jun is trying to make a big decision. Big enough that it scares him.

A decision that he has to make as soon as he can before it’s too late, it seems.

His best friends didn’t know about the whole new fact about Sho and what implications it might bring. But they didn’t lie about Jun being happier than ever because Jun felt it himself too. He still doesn’t know how Sho’s going to react, but probably this one will worth the shot.

Jun stands up as he sees Nino returning from the kitchen with a new can of beer. “I need to go.”

Nino’s face lightens up at that. He nods and cheers to Jun with his can of beer. “Take care.”

It’s not just a ‘take care on your way home’, Jun knows, it’s ‘take care of everything properly’, and so he nods as a reply, meaning it. He doesn’t waste more time and quickly gets going.

He just hopes, dearly in his heart, that he’s doing the right thing.


It’s almost nine p.m. when Jun finally reaches his building. He has been weighing his options on the way from Nino’s place, about how he will come clean to Sho about everything, and he decides that it’s best to just let Sho see. A couple of minutes and some steps of stairs later, he finds himself in front of Sho’s door.

Jun takes a deep breath before raising his hand to knock on Sho’s door. He hesitates a bit when his hand is inches away from the door, but then he wills himself. The knock Jun lands on the door is a bit soft, so he repeats it again in case Sho didn’t hear the first one.

There’s Sho’s voice answering him from inside, telling him to wait a moment, and so Jun waits. He takes deep breaths to try and calm himself, and on the fourth inhale, the door opens.

Sho looks at him with his mouth forming an ‘o’. He looks nothing but surprised to see Jun in front of his door. Jun watches silently as Sho tries to collect himself.

“Yes?” is what leaves Sho’s mouth after Jun watches Sho’s lips move in different forms of syllables, obviously trying to get some words out but failing. It’s cute, Jun thinks. Very like Sho.

“Are you busy right now?” Jun knows that if he doesn’t get to things straight up, he’ll lose his will completely so he doesn’t hesitate. “Can you come with me?”

The face in front of him quirks up. Sho looks surprised, and had the situation been different, Jun would have leaned in to kiss him.

But that will have to wait. Jun has something else more important to do before he can think about kissing Sho’s face again, and if things go as well as he planned it, he would have more than enough time in the world to kiss Sho however he wants.

So yeah, kissing Sho will have to wait. Jun raises his eyebrows at Sho to try getting another response other than a surprised face from him.

“Ah, sure. Okay. I have nothing to do right now, no,” Sho looks around his apartment a bit after that, like he’s unsure of what he just said.

“Okay. Great,” Jun replies, and he then moves aside to his door to open it.

Beside him, Sho closes his door, locking it. The view is quite comical to be watched, but the tense air between them makes nothing seem funny for the both of them.

When Jun has opened his door, he invites Sho in and tells him to close the door behind him. Jun then walks inside to put his duffel bag in his living room. When he turns to see Sho, he’s standing still in the doorway, like he’s unsure what to do.

“Get inside, Sho-san,” Jun calls him. “Please have a seat,” he says, gesturing to the sofa.

Sho walks inside, then sits on the couch. Jun tells him to wait a moment while he gets the both of them some drinks. He asks Sho what he wants—just water is fine—and walks to the kitchen to get two bottles of water.

Jun returns to his living room with a sight of Sho looking so interested in his movie collection. As expected, Jun thinks. Of course that would pique Sho’s interest.

Probably Sho hears Jun’s footsteps approaching because he suddenly turns his head back to look at Jun. “I just realized that I have never been in your living room.”

Those words, more than what Nino had said before, more than anything Jun has tried to convince himself with, hit Jun right on the spot. Sho has never been in his living room. Three weeks of knowing each other and Sho has never been here.

He skipped the place where Jun usually has his guests in, heading straight to the dining room every time. That is why Jun never worries about inviting Sho inside his house. Because he never got a chance to sit down on his sofa, facing to his beloved movie collection on the side of his TV.

That also means that Sho has somehow skipped a threshold he has for people coming into his life, which explain why things seem to be progressing so fast between them. Sho goes straight to where Jun doesn’t like most people to be in, and Jun knows that he has no problem with it.

Probably Nino was right, Jun brought this all on himself, and there’s no point of stopping now.

Jun sits down beside Sho on his sofa, feeling the shared heat between their bodies. He hands Sho one of the bottles and then proceeds to open the other one for himself. He feels unbelievable thirsty for no certain reason, the water would help him to clear his throat before he says anything to Sho.

Sho follows what he just did, opening his water bottle and drinking quite some amount from it. It seems like he has no intention of filling the stretching silence between them with conversation, unlike so many other time when he did.

It’s Jun’s turn to say anything now, in the context of their current conversation and the state of things when Jun left last night.

Jun takes a deep breath. He has rehearsed the thing over in his head, and it’s finally time to tell Sho everything. Even though it feels so hard to try to do so because there’s a lump in his throat that no drinking can drown it.

“I love watching people being slashed,” Jun says, surprised at how firm his voice has sounded despite his heart beating so hard.

Sho turns his face to look at Jun, his eyes flickering with interest, but he doesn’t say anything.

Jun moves his eyes, locking it at Sho’s stare, and continues. “I always have a problem with my anger. Ever since I was a child. My parents would—,” Jun swallows, “beat me up every time I throw a tantrum, and when they can’t take it anymore, they sent me to a facility.”

Jun knows that his voice is trembling at the end, so he pauses to take a breath. When he does, Sho reaches for his hand and squeeze it. He still doesn’t say anything, just keep his eyes zeroed on Jun’s own.

“It was,” Jun swallows, “horrible in the facility and if anything, I got out angrier than I was before. And then a friend took me to a theater to watch a movie.”

Jun squeezes Sho’s hand back.

“It was coincidental, I didn’t even know what movie he wanted to watch, we just went because it seems to be popular at that time. And that’s when I realize that it’s… fascinating to see people being butchered up in front of my eyes. It had felt so good to watch them… dead.”

Sho takes a breath at that. Jun doesn’t notice that he has been holding it in. Sho looks like he’s going to say something, but Jun catches him to it.

“I want to, Sho, I want to try to feel how it is to kill people with my hand, to have them begging for their life in front of my eyes. But it’s—I could never bring myself to do such a thing.”

“Why couldn’t you?” Sho asks. Jun doesn’t miss the way his voice trembles.

“Watching them is enough for me, I don’t want to try and get my hand dirty without knowing what’s really in it for me. So I have settled on watching movies with the same genre and tuning in to criminal news.”

“Jun, it’s—” Sho looks at him with an intensity Jun has never seen before. Sho smiles and reaches out to caress Jun’s face. It’s automatic for Jun to lean to the touch.

“Why are you telling me all this?” Sho says, almost whispering. His voice shakes like it has taken him so much energy to listen to everything. He looks almost weary, and Jun wonders if it’s actually just a reflection of what he feels.

Because he feels as if he just used up all the energy he previously had, and leaning into Sho’s touch feels like a remedy for his soul.

But he still needs to answer to Sho’s question. “Because you have told me your darkest secret, and so I want to tell you mine too. Even though, compared to what you have, mine is just a child play.”

“It’s not a competition,” Sho shakes his head, his voice still raspy and trembling. But his hand holding Jun’s face doesn’t falter, and his stare to Jun’s eyes is searching for something.

Jun nods. “It’s not. But I want to be honest with you if you’re honest with me because that’s how a relationship should be, Sho-san. And if that means telling you that I’m a freak with anger issues who copes by watching criminal movies and news, then so be it.”

“Are you saying that you don’t mind me being a murderer, Jun?” Sho pulls his hand from Jun’s hand, and now taking Jun’s hands to hold with his.

“I want to be with you more now that I know you’re a murderer, Sho-san,” Jun grips Sho’s hands tight, “You heard what I said. I want to be part of that life of yours. I can help you with your murders, I can give you ideas. I have so many of them. That’s what you got when you spent the better part of your life watching people being killed.”

There, finally, Jun says the last and most important part of what he wants to say tonight. He watches, warily, as Sho look at him with his eyes big, like he can’t believe what he just heard.

“Jun,” Sho grips tighter on Jun’s hand. “Have you thought this through?”

The question takes Jun aback. He has thought through about how he feels about Sho, how Sho might handle his confession, he has even prepared himself for rejection.

But to think through of the consequences to live with a murderer and helping him doing murder, Jun hasn’t really done it.

And seems like Sho can see that one, because then he pulls his hands.

“We can’t—we can’t just jump into things like this, Jun,” Sho looks at him, stern and unwavering. “Being in a relationship is one thing, but actually letting you inside that part of my life isn’t something I have considered.”

“But you said you’ll protect me of whatever will happen,” Jun shakes his head, feeling his fear starting to take form before his eyes. Sho is going to leave him, too, and Jun is going to try his hardest to stop him.

Sho nods, “I did. But that’s because I assume you wouldn’t want to be a part of this—my life. I didn’t say that to invite you into my life.”

Jun drops his head, blinking to stop the tears that come to his eyes. Not this again. Not someone leaving again. Not Sho leaving. After all the things they’ve been through…

“Jun,” Sho whispers, lifting Jun’s face up by the chin. “I’m not leaving you,” he moves closer to pull Jun into his hug.

Jun doesn’t realize that his body is trembling until he feels Sho’s body around him, holding him tight.

“I’m not leaving you,” Sho repeats, whispering to his ear, and Jun starts to feel his body relaxing as Sho repeats the words over and over.

When Jun’s body completely stops trembling, Sho pulls away from the hug. He puts a hand on Jun’s cheek, caressing, then moves closer.

They kiss, one so gentle and warm that makes Jun melt into it. Sho’s hold on him is firm as he tells his feelings through the kiss. Jun can feel it all. Sho’s fear, Sho’s insecurity, Sho’s worry about Jun’s safety.

So Jun returns the kiss with what he feels. How he trust Sho, how Sho makes him happy, how he wants to be with Sho and not with anyone else.

Because out of anyone else, he thinks that Sho might actually be the person who can right what is wrong in him, and Jun doesn’t want to let go of something as precious as that.

They pull apart after a long while, and when Jun sees the look on Sho’s eyes, he can guess what Sho will say after that. It terrifies him to no end because he knows that look too well, has seen it too many times.

When Sho opens his mouth to talk, Jun hopes that his nightmare won’t happen.

But like all his other wishes, this one doesn’t come true either.

“Please give me some time to think about this more thoroughly,” Sho says, and at Jun’s terrified look, he closes his eyes in frustration.

“Can’t we think that through together?” Jun’s voice came out croaking, revealing how terrified he is, and Sho’s face winces at that.

“We will think it through together, Jun,” Sho replies, squeezing Jun’s hands with his. “But I need some time alone first. I promise you I won’t need too long.”

Jun opens his mouth to reply, but Sho is faster. “I promise I won’t leave you, Jun. I just need a time for myself before I can be sure of us doing this.”

Jun closes his eyes, and he doesn’t dare to look at Sho as he asks, “How can you not leave me later if you’re not sure yet about us doing this?”

“I can’t answer that right now,” Jun hears Sho replies, he still doesn’t want to open his eyes, “But I promise I won’t leave you.”

Keeping his eyes closed, Jun feels it as Sho stands up in front of him, then pressing his kiss to Jun’s forehead. Jun sighs, feeling Sho warm against him, and wishing that it will not be the last time.

Sho whispers, “I promise I won’t leave you,” for one last time, before Jun hears him walk away.

When Jun opens his eyes later, he doesn’t see Sho. It’s over, he thinks. Sho will definitely leave him. That fact doesn’t really come as surprising for Jun, seeing as that is what’s expected from anyone to whom Jun tells his secret.

But Jun isn’t going to lie that it hurts him more than just a little.


Follow the link for part 5

Date: 2016-09-09 06:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xdestroying.livejournal.com
There is something seriously twisted about the way both Jun and Sho's minds work. The way you write it out here, as if they are two very normal people makes it a little creepy - since the story is told from Jun's POV, I realize why it does not seem so outrageous, what Sho is doing.
Damn, I loved it when Sho was saying "I told you. I was working." Honestly, I was not surprised that the music was to disguise him killing people, but imagining him admitting it is more than enough ;D

Jun and Sho are quite alike aren't they, complimenting each other in their wickedness, one bolder than the other.
Also, with Jun's history, his trust issues no longer surprise me as much.
I look forward to how they will overcome the things between them.


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