Gift Fic for xdestroying
Sep. 9th, 2017 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormymood posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
arashi_exchangeA piece of rainbow for xdestroying
Title: Communication
Pairing: Sho/Jun
Rating/Warnings: PG-13. Making out, mentions of nudity.
Summary: Can I come over to your place now? We need to talk.
Notes: Hello there,xdestroying ! I hope you enjoy this little thing I wrote for you! I'm afraid I couldn't get the rating up in the end (I owe you that part). Special thanks to the two certain people who had to bear with me while I was writing this, and to the mods for their patience.
It shouldn't be this hard.
They used to be close. They weren't best friends, sure, but they did get along. Sometimes they annoyed the hell out of each other—their bad temper and stubbornness have always been two of their points in common—yet nobody ever saw that as anything more than two boys being boys. Nobody made a big deal out of it, not even themselves.
If only things were like that now…
Sho sighs as he takes two beers out of his fridge. Tonight, he has an unexpected visitor. He was about to retire to his bedroom for the night when his phone rang. The last thing he had expected to hear after checking the name displayed by the caller ID was precisely what his interlocutor said once he picked up.
"Can I come over to your place now? We need to talk."
He had said yes, of course, even if he had no idea of what it was about. Perhaps he misdialed, he had thought to himself at that moment. Just in case, he stayed in the living room, fidgeting in his seat as he waited. It was nearly an hour later when his bell rang. He opened the door, making sure he was smiling as he did so, but his expression changed once he saw the angry face greeting him at the other side of the door.
Why is he even mad at me? Sho grumbles, taking way longer than he actually needs to get out of his kitchen. I didn't do anything! Or did I? Did I? He suddenly panics and his palms start sweating. It has happened before—more than once, actually. Like that time in their green room so many years ago when, for the first time ever, his morning greeting wasn't replied and he just knew things weren't going to be the same after that day.
He shakes his head. No need to get alarmed so soon.
As soon as he comes out of the kitchen, there's a pair of eyes on him. He gulps, showing the beer cans in his hands with a little smile. That doesn't elicit an answer—just like his earlier offer to bring out the beers, which was met with cold silence—and he doesn't bother to say anything either. He takes a seat, making sure to leave a good distance between him and his visitor on the couch, sets the cans on the table and waits.
Nothing happens.
Sho knows he's being watched. He can feel eyes burning on his skull, but he resists the impulse to turn—he's good at that, from years of avoiding eye contact on camera, although he isn't even sure of why that started in the first place, just that it became their thing.
I'm not the one who wanted to talk, Sho reasons and opens a can of beer. He's taking his first sip when his visitor finally decides to speak up.
"What do you think about me, Sho-san?"
Sho blinks. Is he serious? He chooses to ignore the question until his can is suddenly snatched away from his hand. "Hey—"
"Your answer. Now."
So he does want to hear it. But why? Sho frowns, turning around to face his visitor fully. He's met with a cold stare, one that he simply cannot read. It frustrates him.
"I… I don't know," Sho says.
He hears a snort. "Haven't you answered this question before?"
Sho has indeed. Magazine and TV show interviewers have asked all Arashi members what they think about their band mates several times in the past. An inevitable question, especially because they're known for their good relationship—people go so far as to say it's one of their selling points, although none of the Arashi members actually understands how or when it became like that.
It isn't hard to come up with an answer to that question and its variants, such as "who is the most ____ in Arashi?" or "who would you date if you were a girl?". A satisfactory reply usually either mentions a personality trait that is already well-known to the public or introduces one that could show a 'new side' to the member in question. Not that they rehearse what they'll say or anything, but that's the pattern they seem to unconsciously follow. Comments about Leader's fishing hobby and his calmness, about Nino's gaming and his sharp tongue, about Aiba's love for animals and his bubbly attitude, pop up quite frequently in that kind of setting. And if one of them was the one asking Sho to give an answer now, it'd probably be easy—even though Sho is pretty damn sure none of them would come to his place in the middle of the night just for this.
Only Matsumoto Jun would do something like this.
"So?" Jun arches an eyebrow at Sho. "Come on, Sho-san. It can't be that hard."
So he says, Sho thinks to himself in annoyance, racking his brains for an answer good enough to satisfy Jun. But just what does he want to hear?
"Say whatever comes to mind. Anything's fine."
For some reason, Sho is unable to believe those words. He wouldn't be here at this time making a question like this one if he really was 'fine' with any reply. Jun is deliberately putting Sho on the spot, and while that in itself isn't new, Sho can't help worrying about the potential consequences that giving a wrong answer could have.
There are no cameras or microphones, yet Sho has never been this nervous about that question.
He goes for his standard reply. "I think you're a very serious and hardworking person."
A flash of hurt crosses Jun's face once the words leave Sho's mouth. His lips twitch, and then he's chuckling. "Figures," he says. Then he brings Sho's can of beer to his lips and sips it quietly, staring into space.
Huh? But that's what I always say about him! Sho clicks his tongue. "That's my beer, by the way," he says—he's secretly hoping that the mention of that will bother Jun enough to get a reaction out of him.
Jun glares at Sho for a moment and continues drinking. When he finishes Sho's beer, he grabs the other can and downs its contents in one go. Sho can only observe him with a puzzled expression, wondering what the hell is going on inside Jun's mind.
"Want another one?" Sho asks.
"You're the worst."
Somehow, the words make Sho laugh. As expected, after getting some alcohol in his system, Jun is ready to say whatever he came to say. Sho has a hard time trying not to laugh again at Jun's pouting face. I can't take him seriously when he does that, Sho bites his lip, watching in amusement how Jun's eyebrows furrow and his cheeks puff out just a little.
"Why can't you say something more personal, eh? If it was Aiba-chan or Nino or Leader, you would say something different. Only I get this treatment!" Jun complains.
Sho snorts. "Says the guy who told everyone that he only liked me as a band mate on the variety show I co-host."
For a moment, Jun seems embarrassed, and Sho is infinitely pleased by it. It's not that he enjoys making people uncomfortable—on the contrary, he'd rather put them at ease—but this time it feels so good. Maybe it's because Jun rarely shows this side of himself in front of Sho. Maybe it's just that, deep inside, Sho has wanted to get some form of payback for all those times Jun has either denied the things they've done together or made them seem as if they weren't important by reducing them to 'coincidences', contributing to the ongoing rumor that they "do not get along". Maybe it's both.
Jun clears his throat, schooling his features back to his usual serious expression. "That was different, Sho-san," he says. "We were on TV that time. You know we have an image to keep."
"And that image requires you to say something like that?" Sho arches an eyebrow at him.
"It doesn't…" Jun admits. He bites his lip softly, thinking in silence for a moment. He then frowns, narrowing his eyes at Sho. "Why do you still care about that anyway? It was over a year ago! Besides, what did you expect me to say? Did you want me to act like when we debuted and say that I won't give you to anyone or something?"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you complain? Or did you find my answer offensive in any way?" Jun folds his arms across his chest, lifting his chin up a little. His eyebrows are still furrowed, giving him a quite intimidating look. It might have a bigger effect if only Sho didn't see that exact same expression on Jun's face so often.
Sho sighs. He doesn't want to start an argument, to be honest. "You could have worded it more nicely," is what he says.
"You do think it was offensive then!?" Jun raises his tone.
"Matsumoto-san…"
"I only said that there was no love on my side! What's so wrong about that?" Jun exclaims. "I mean, it's not like it's a lie!"
Why, thank you for the reminder, Matsumoto-san! Sho does his best not to roll his eyes, but he can't help clenching his fists in response.
At least this means he doesn't suspect a thing.
Sho is in love with Jun. Kind of. He actually isn't very certain of how he feels, but he knows he's gone way past crush territory a while ago. He has no hopes about anything happening between them, of course, which is why he's gone to great lengths to keep it as a secret. He keeps telling himself that it'll pass someday, that he'll be able to simply admire Jun as an idol and as a person without feeling attracted to him. It hasn't worked so far, but he's determined to persevere until it does.
And he guesses that Jun not noticing—or not caring—is a great sign.
"I know," Sho says, giving Jun a wry smile. "You're right. I guess it's no big deal."
Jun nods in approval of Sho's words. "So… will you answer my question now?"
Sho blinks. "I thought I already had," he says.
At that, Jun's nostrils flare. He glares at Sho again, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Didn't you listen to what I said? I want you to give me a personal answer!"
"But that was my personal answer!" Sho protests. "Don't you say something similar when people ask your opinion about me?"
For a few seconds, Jun stares at Sho with wide eyes. "I… I do, but…"
"And I've never complained," Sho says. "I actually find it flattering that you associate such qualities with me."
"You do?"
"Why wouldn't I?" Sho shrugs. "I think any adult would like to be seen that way by others, especially by people who work with them on a regular basis."
Jun hums. "Then… you see it as a compliment?" he asks.
"Exactly," Sho says.
"And when you say it about someone, you mean it that way too?"
"Yes."
It's not a lie, but it isn't entirely true either. When it comes to Jun, Sho only says it because it's easier to explain than anything else he might say about Jun. He just needs to point out all the magnificent work Jun does while planning Arashi's concerts and that's it. If he suddenly talked about how kind, silly and adorable Jun is when no cameras are around, that would require a more private talk—one that he's not ready to have, not until he gets rid of what he feels about Jun at the moment.
That's something he won't be saying tonight though. Not if he can help it.
Jun gives him a suspicious look. "Fair enough," he says.
Sho is about to let out a sigh of relief when he speaks up again.
"Still… I kind of wanted to hear what else you think about me," Jun says, giving Sho a small smile. "That can't be all of it, right?"
Shit.
Sho looks away, panicking a little bit. What do I say now? He racks his brains, trying to find something good to say about Jun that doesn't reveal what he feels too much. He's obviously not fast enough, for Jun's smile is already vanishing.
"Because you do think other things about me, don't you?" Jun asks, eyebrows furrowing again. His eyes narrow when Sho doesn't reply. "Sho-san?"
"I-I do! Just… just give me a moment…"
Jun gives Sho a look that makes the hair on the back of his neck stand. "I knew it," he says. "You dislike me!"
"What!? No!"
"You can't even say something about me that doesn't relate to work!" Jun says. "I knew your generic answer was meant to hide something, and this is it!"
Sho sighs, covering his face with his hands. It was, but it isn't what you think it is. When he looks up at Jun again, he can't help shaking his head. If you only knew… but you can't even imagine it, can you?
"Why do you even care?" Sho blurts out before he can think things through.
"Excuse me?" Jun's voice goes an octave higher when he replies.
Well done, loser, Sho thinks to himself with a groan after taking a glance at Jun's face. Jun looks upset, as though Sho had just insulted him. Now he's mad.
"What do you mean by that, Sho-san?"
Taking a deep breath, Sho stares right into Jun's eyes. He knows Jun won't stop pushing the matter until he gets an answer that satisfies him. However, given the current circumstances, it's very likely that regardless of what Sho says, Jun will get mad at him. And that will inevitably lead to a few weeks of awkwardness at work.
Right now, Sho has two options: he can try to lie or he can just be honest with Jun—as honest as his little secret allows, of course. Usually, he'd consider making up an excuse because it allows him to avoid confrontation, but is it of any use now? The way he sees it, they'll end up arguing anyway.
Perhaps for once, he should speak up his mind. What's the worst thing that could happen?
Here goes nothing…
"I've never had the impression that my opinion was of any importance to you when it comes to private matters," Sho says. "We are just band mates after all, and we're not particularly close."
"We used to be close."
"That we did," Sho concedes, "but wasn't that when we were teenagers? I highly doubt my opinion matters to you now as much as it did back then."
When Sho says it, something changes in Jun's expression. It seems Sho has managed to catch him off guard. Good, Sho thinks. Maybe ending this conversation won't be as hard as I expected.
"Your sudden interest in what I have to say about you confuses me. Why did you come here at this time to ask me this anyway? Did anything happen?"
Jun's eyes go wide. "No, nothing happened," he says, averting his eyes. "I just felt curious."
"Really?"
"Really," Jun says. He chews on his bottom lip, still not meeting Sho's gaze. "I was bored at home, thinking about the past and… and I somehow ended up thinking about you and how things used to be between us. And, well, I wondered if your opinion about me had improved at least a little bit since then, but it obviously hasn't."
Sho frowns. "Why do you say that?"
"Because when we were younger you didn't have a problem with telling me what you thought," Jun replies. "I knew you found me annoying and a bit pathetic for always wanting attention. Now I have no idea of what you think, and that makes me feel uneasy. How is it possible that I could read you better when we had just met than now? Does that make any sense to you?"
Sho opens and closes his mouth, completely at loss for words. That isn't the response he expected. Even worse, he has to admit that Jun has a point. He used to be more expressive due to his inability to rein in his temper. He also had a habit of taking out his stress on other people—around their early years as Arashi, Jun had the bad fortune of becoming Sho's target more often than not. While Sho doesn't think any of that was positive, he supposes that from Jun's perspective he must seem a lot more private than before.
He needs to rectify that, quick.
"Okay, first of all, I never found you annoying or pathetic, Matsumoto-san," Sho starts. "I behaved like a complete jerk, but that was it. I apologize if I ever made you feel bad about yourself."
Jun doesn't say anything, so Sho continues.
"I prefer to keep my opinions to myself instead of hurting others by saying something insensitive. And I know you're asking me directly, but I don't know how to reply! I don't want to make you uncomfortable, especially now that we're finally getting along again. I'd hate to make things awkward."
That's not a lie. They've been getting closer since a few years ago when Jun stopped giving a cold shoulder to all of Sho's attempts at trying to be on friendly terms. It'd be wrong to say that they have a good relationship now, but it's getting better. Sometimes Sho feels it's progressing at a snail's pace and wishes he had the confidence to push the invisible limits between him and Jun a little harder. He's not unsatisfied with the way things are going though.
He wonders what Jun thinks on the matter, but prefers not to ask.
"What could you possibly say that would make things awkward?" Jun asks. He stares at Sho expectantly, raising his eyebrows in question when Sho doesn't reply after a while. "Is it something negative?"
"No…"
"I can deal with it, Sho-san. Just tell me," Jun says, giving Sho a small smile—it's probably meant to be encouraging, but it's not helping at all.
Sho's heart is pounding in his chest. He struggles to maintain eye contact with Jun—he can't look away, yet he feels as though he'll combust if he doesn't do it. "I…" Sho clears his throat. "I… I think…"
"Yes?"
"I think your fashion sense is weird."
Sho closes his eyes, feeling stupid. Out of all the things I could say…
To his surprise, Jun bursts out laughing. He has his head thrown back and his mouth wide open when Sho opens his eyes, his eyes reduced to a pair of thin lines. It seems a genuine reaction—that's probably the most confusing part of it.
"You can't be serious!" Jun says, still laughing a little. "My fashion sense? Really?"
Sho shrugs. "Your hats don't match your clothes most times, and you have a really bad habit of wearing ugly beanies on bad hair days or when you're hiding a new haircut. Not to mention your collection of ugly expensive shoes."
"I'll have you know that those 'ugly' shoes are designed by the fashion industry's finest," Jun says. "And if they're good enough to go down a runway in Paris and New York, why should I care about what a camo print enthusiast has to say?"
"Hey, camo print is actually very popular right now!" Sho protests. He gets an eye roll in response.
"Whatever." Jun lets out an exaggerated sigh and then stares into Sho's eyes again. "So that was it? That was the opinion you thought would make things awkward?"
No.
"If you think I'm the kind of man who gets upset about such meaningless things, you definitely don't know me at all." Jun folds his arms across his chest, giving Sho a serious look.
Sho doesn't say anything. He looks away, feeling embarrassed about his choice of excuse, hoping Jun won't get in a bad mood.
Jun sighs. "How about this? I'll make one awkward confession and then you have to make yours," he says. "Does it sound like a fair exchange to you?"
An awkward confession from him? What can it be?
Out of curiosity, Sho agrees with Jun's suggestion.
"Alright…" Jun takes a deep breath. "I… I actually lied when I said there was no love on my side."
Sho unconsciously makes a little sound that startles Jun for a moment. The two of them blush slightly afterwards, breaking eye contact.
"Or, well, I mean…" Jun groans, running his hands through his hair. "It wasn't entirely true. It's complicated."
Sho hums in response, not daring to look at Jun yet. "Like that time you said it was different because we were boys?" he mumbles, more to himself than to Jun.
"I guess it's a bit like that, yes." Jun chuckles. "I've changed though. I'll never say I won't give you to anyone, even if I have no intention of letting someone else be with you."
Sho looks at him with raised eyebrows. "You don't mean that."
"Are you sure about that?"
Sho is. To be more exact, he thought he was up until a few seconds ago. Jun's words are making him doubt now, and he doesn't know how to feel about that. It could be a joke for all he knows, although Jun's tone didn't give him that impression.
"Sho-san…"
A hand lands on Sho's arm, making him go stiff. Jun chuckles again, scooting closer to Sho on the couch until there's no space left between them. He beams at Sho, tilting his head to the side.
"Am I making you uncomfortable already?" Jun asks. He giggles when Sho stutters while trying to give a coherent answer. "I'm not done talking yet though."
"You're not!?" Sho squeaks, surprised at how high-pitched his voice came out.
Jun attempts to hold back his laughter, which ends up with him snorting. "No," he says. "Unless you don't want to hear more about it, I mean."
"I want to hear," Sho says. He looks away when he sees a smile spreading across Jun's face, and clears his throat. "So, will you tell me?"
Jun leans his head on Sho's shoulder, sliding his hand down Sho's arm until he can place it on top of Sho's. He grins after noticing Sho doesn't mind it.
"You see… I never really got over you," Jun starts with a little laugh. "I was tired of the way you acted around me though, so I decided to stay away from you. I thought that maybe you'd realize what you had done once I wasn't around so much, but instead, you just moved on. It felt like you didn't even notice something had changed."
"I did notice," Sho says. "And I did realize that it was my fault that you didn't talk to me so much anymore."
"Did you miss me?"
"Sometimes," Sho admits. "Especially when you got a lot of new friends and started doing with them the things we used to do together.
"I could have still done them with you."
Sho shook his head. "You needed space," he says. "Besides, I didn't think I'd fit in your little clique. I had my own friends from college, so I figured it wasn't a big deal."
"It was to me!" Jun complains. "I thought you didn't care at all! You have no idea of how much I hated you for years!"
"Oh, I think I do know!" Sho smirks. He laughs when Jun playfully hits his arm.
"You should have told me you missed me," Jun says. "I would have liked to hear it back then."
"Sorry."
There's a moment of silence afterwards. Sho rests his head against Jun's and allows Jun to intertwine their fingers. His nervousness has subsided a little, but his heart continues beating excitedly. Their conversation has gone quite well in his opinion—no confrontation at all!—and they've managed to clarify some things. However, he's not certain of what he should do now.
Thankfully, he doesn't have to think much.
"It's your turn, Sho-san," Jun suddenly says. He looks excited, eyes gleaming with hope and lips curled into a smile. "Tell me."
Sho laughs. "Is there anything left to say?"
Jun pouts at him, puckering his lips in a way that makes Sho want to kiss him. So he does it before his tendency to over think kicks in. He leans forward and pecks Jun's pout, letting out a yelp of surprise when Jun pulls him back for a proper kiss.
It's not what he expected would happen when he saw Jun standing in front of his door earlier. And it's definitely not the setting he fantasized about during the few times he allowed himself to imagine how it'd be if he kissed Jun.
It's better, way better.
Jun is a passionate kisser. He does like short kisses, like he said once somewhere—Sho can't remember when it was and frankly doesn't care at the moment. He does it mostly to tease, Sho realizes: he laughs every time Sho moans in frustration after he pulls back and kisses Sho's cheek instead.
But once Sho manages to take control of the kiss, Jun doesn't seem to mind duration too much. He lets Sho slip his tongue into his mouth and kisses back with such enthusiasm that Sho actually has to make him slow down a little. Not that Sho isn't into fierce kisses, but he'd rather save them for another time. By now, he contents himself with exploring Jun's mouth slowly, making sure to make his tongue's movements as soft as a caress.
It takes a few minutes before Jun decides it's not enough. He slips his hands under Sho's shirt, running them up and down his sides while he detaches his mouth from Sho's lips to start kissing his neck.
"Matsumoto-san…"
Jun grunts, delivering a pinch to Sho's ribs. "That's not my name," he says, staring into Sho's eyes. His pupils are blown, making his eyes appear darker.
Sho rolls his eyes at him. "Jun-san."
The use of his first name makes Jun grin widely. "Yes?"
"Aren't we going too fast?"
That earns Sho another pinch on his ribs, making him hiss. Jun ducks again to continue kissing him, hands roaming on Sho's chest until he locates Sho's nipples.
"Not at all," Jun says, rubbing the nipples with his fingers. "You want me to stop?"
"No," Sho moans as Jun continues teasing his nipples. "I just thought you wanted to talk more before we did anything."
Jun narrows his eyes at him. "I did," he says, "but you kissed me! You distracted me from my original plan!"
"It's my fault then?" Sho makes a surprised face.
"It most certainly is!" Jun replies. "Now take responsibility for your actions!"
"Very well."
Jun lets out a little squeal when Sho pins him to the couch. He doesn't oppose any resistance though, especially when Sho's lips are back on his.
The intensity of their caresses and kisses escalates quickly. They discard their shirts just a few minutes later, and Sho's hands slip inside Jun's jeans shortly after.
"What happened to 'aren't we going too fast'?" Jun asks between laughs as Sho struggles to pull down his skinny jeans. He clicks his tongue. "Careful! These are YSL, okay?"
Sho glares at him. "I don't care about the brand. Why are they so damn tight?"
Jun rolls his eyes at him and stands up to take off his remaining clothes himself. "Just so that you know, our conversation isn't over," he says, pulling down his jeans along with his underwear. "We are so going to discuss this in the morning."
Sho grins. "Fair enough."
"Now… I want these ugly sweatpants off, Sho-san," Jun says. "And let's continue in the bedroom, please. I'm flexible, but I'd rather do this on an actual mattress or my back will hurt in the morning."
Then he walks away, swaying his hips and giving Sho one last look over his shoulder before disappearing through the corridor.
It feels so unreal.
Shouldn't it have been harder to get to this point? A part of Sho is already worrying about what will happen tomorrow, once they're not horny anymore. Perhaps they'll end up fighting. Perhaps they won't. Jun is so unpredictable that something completely different from what Sho considers "possible" might end up happening.
"If you're not here in five seconds, I'm starting without you," Jun yells from the room.
That's all Sho needs to hear to push his worries to the back of his mind. He gets undressed immediately and rushes to his bedroom right away. Jun is lying on his bed, looking shy when Sho's eyes meet his. He's the most attractive person who's ever been in Sho's room, and yet he's acting like he had something to be embarrassed about.
Sho can't believe his luck. He thinks he might be dreaming, except that Jun's body feels very much real under his own once he climbs on the bed. Jun is warm and soft, and his voice is incredibly sweet when he calls Sho's name between heated kisses.
If it's a dream, he doesn't want it to end.
There are so many things he wants to say, but he keeps them to himself for just another night. He's waited a long time anyway. What's a few more hours compared to the past decade or so?
By now, he'll simply enjoy the moment.
xdestroying Title: Communication
Pairing: Sho/Jun
Rating/Warnings: PG-13. Making out, mentions of nudity.
Summary: Can I come over to your place now? We need to talk.
Notes: Hello there,
xdestroying ! I hope you enjoy this little thing I wrote for you! I'm afraid I couldn't get the rating up in the end (I owe you that part). Special thanks to the two certain people who had to bear with me while I was writing this, and to the mods for their patience.It shouldn't be this hard.
They used to be close. They weren't best friends, sure, but they did get along. Sometimes they annoyed the hell out of each other—their bad temper and stubbornness have always been two of their points in common—yet nobody ever saw that as anything more than two boys being boys. Nobody made a big deal out of it, not even themselves.
If only things were like that now…
Sho sighs as he takes two beers out of his fridge. Tonight, he has an unexpected visitor. He was about to retire to his bedroom for the night when his phone rang. The last thing he had expected to hear after checking the name displayed by the caller ID was precisely what his interlocutor said once he picked up.
"Can I come over to your place now? We need to talk."
He had said yes, of course, even if he had no idea of what it was about. Perhaps he misdialed, he had thought to himself at that moment. Just in case, he stayed in the living room, fidgeting in his seat as he waited. It was nearly an hour later when his bell rang. He opened the door, making sure he was smiling as he did so, but his expression changed once he saw the angry face greeting him at the other side of the door.
Why is he even mad at me? Sho grumbles, taking way longer than he actually needs to get out of his kitchen. I didn't do anything! Or did I? Did I? He suddenly panics and his palms start sweating. It has happened before—more than once, actually. Like that time in their green room so many years ago when, for the first time ever, his morning greeting wasn't replied and he just knew things weren't going to be the same after that day.
He shakes his head. No need to get alarmed so soon.
As soon as he comes out of the kitchen, there's a pair of eyes on him. He gulps, showing the beer cans in his hands with a little smile. That doesn't elicit an answer—just like his earlier offer to bring out the beers, which was met with cold silence—and he doesn't bother to say anything either. He takes a seat, making sure to leave a good distance between him and his visitor on the couch, sets the cans on the table and waits.
Nothing happens.
Sho knows he's being watched. He can feel eyes burning on his skull, but he resists the impulse to turn—he's good at that, from years of avoiding eye contact on camera, although he isn't even sure of why that started in the first place, just that it became their thing.
I'm not the one who wanted to talk, Sho reasons and opens a can of beer. He's taking his first sip when his visitor finally decides to speak up.
"What do you think about me, Sho-san?"
Sho blinks. Is he serious? He chooses to ignore the question until his can is suddenly snatched away from his hand. "Hey—"
"Your answer. Now."
So he does want to hear it. But why? Sho frowns, turning around to face his visitor fully. He's met with a cold stare, one that he simply cannot read. It frustrates him.
"I… I don't know," Sho says.
He hears a snort. "Haven't you answered this question before?"
Sho has indeed. Magazine and TV show interviewers have asked all Arashi members what they think about their band mates several times in the past. An inevitable question, especially because they're known for their good relationship—people go so far as to say it's one of their selling points, although none of the Arashi members actually understands how or when it became like that.
It isn't hard to come up with an answer to that question and its variants, such as "who is the most ____ in Arashi?" or "who would you date if you were a girl?". A satisfactory reply usually either mentions a personality trait that is already well-known to the public or introduces one that could show a 'new side' to the member in question. Not that they rehearse what they'll say or anything, but that's the pattern they seem to unconsciously follow. Comments about Leader's fishing hobby and his calmness, about Nino's gaming and his sharp tongue, about Aiba's love for animals and his bubbly attitude, pop up quite frequently in that kind of setting. And if one of them was the one asking Sho to give an answer now, it'd probably be easy—even though Sho is pretty damn sure none of them would come to his place in the middle of the night just for this.
Only Matsumoto Jun would do something like this.
"So?" Jun arches an eyebrow at Sho. "Come on, Sho-san. It can't be that hard."
So he says, Sho thinks to himself in annoyance, racking his brains for an answer good enough to satisfy Jun. But just what does he want to hear?
"Say whatever comes to mind. Anything's fine."
For some reason, Sho is unable to believe those words. He wouldn't be here at this time making a question like this one if he really was 'fine' with any reply. Jun is deliberately putting Sho on the spot, and while that in itself isn't new, Sho can't help worrying about the potential consequences that giving a wrong answer could have.
There are no cameras or microphones, yet Sho has never been this nervous about that question.
He goes for his standard reply. "I think you're a very serious and hardworking person."
A flash of hurt crosses Jun's face once the words leave Sho's mouth. His lips twitch, and then he's chuckling. "Figures," he says. Then he brings Sho's can of beer to his lips and sips it quietly, staring into space.
Huh? But that's what I always say about him! Sho clicks his tongue. "That's my beer, by the way," he says—he's secretly hoping that the mention of that will bother Jun enough to get a reaction out of him.
Jun glares at Sho for a moment and continues drinking. When he finishes Sho's beer, he grabs the other can and downs its contents in one go. Sho can only observe him with a puzzled expression, wondering what the hell is going on inside Jun's mind.
"Want another one?" Sho asks.
"You're the worst."
Somehow, the words make Sho laugh. As expected, after getting some alcohol in his system, Jun is ready to say whatever he came to say. Sho has a hard time trying not to laugh again at Jun's pouting face. I can't take him seriously when he does that, Sho bites his lip, watching in amusement how Jun's eyebrows furrow and his cheeks puff out just a little.
"Why can't you say something more personal, eh? If it was Aiba-chan or Nino or Leader, you would say something different. Only I get this treatment!" Jun complains.
Sho snorts. "Says the guy who told everyone that he only liked me as a band mate on the variety show I co-host."
For a moment, Jun seems embarrassed, and Sho is infinitely pleased by it. It's not that he enjoys making people uncomfortable—on the contrary, he'd rather put them at ease—but this time it feels so good. Maybe it's because Jun rarely shows this side of himself in front of Sho. Maybe it's just that, deep inside, Sho has wanted to get some form of payback for all those times Jun has either denied the things they've done together or made them seem as if they weren't important by reducing them to 'coincidences', contributing to the ongoing rumor that they "do not get along". Maybe it's both.
Jun clears his throat, schooling his features back to his usual serious expression. "That was different, Sho-san," he says. "We were on TV that time. You know we have an image to keep."
"And that image requires you to say something like that?" Sho arches an eyebrow at him.
"It doesn't…" Jun admits. He bites his lip softly, thinking in silence for a moment. He then frowns, narrowing his eyes at Sho. "Why do you still care about that anyway? It was over a year ago! Besides, what did you expect me to say? Did you want me to act like when we debuted and say that I won't give you to anyone or something?"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you complain? Or did you find my answer offensive in any way?" Jun folds his arms across his chest, lifting his chin up a little. His eyebrows are still furrowed, giving him a quite intimidating look. It might have a bigger effect if only Sho didn't see that exact same expression on Jun's face so often.
Sho sighs. He doesn't want to start an argument, to be honest. "You could have worded it more nicely," is what he says.
"You do think it was offensive then!?" Jun raises his tone.
"Matsumoto-san…"
"I only said that there was no love on my side! What's so wrong about that?" Jun exclaims. "I mean, it's not like it's a lie!"
Why, thank you for the reminder, Matsumoto-san! Sho does his best not to roll his eyes, but he can't help clenching his fists in response.
At least this means he doesn't suspect a thing.
Sho is in love with Jun. Kind of. He actually isn't very certain of how he feels, but he knows he's gone way past crush territory a while ago. He has no hopes about anything happening between them, of course, which is why he's gone to great lengths to keep it as a secret. He keeps telling himself that it'll pass someday, that he'll be able to simply admire Jun as an idol and as a person without feeling attracted to him. It hasn't worked so far, but he's determined to persevere until it does.
And he guesses that Jun not noticing—or not caring—is a great sign.
"I know," Sho says, giving Jun a wry smile. "You're right. I guess it's no big deal."
Jun nods in approval of Sho's words. "So… will you answer my question now?"
Sho blinks. "I thought I already had," he says.
At that, Jun's nostrils flare. He glares at Sho again, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Didn't you listen to what I said? I want you to give me a personal answer!"
"But that was my personal answer!" Sho protests. "Don't you say something similar when people ask your opinion about me?"
For a few seconds, Jun stares at Sho with wide eyes. "I… I do, but…"
"And I've never complained," Sho says. "I actually find it flattering that you associate such qualities with me."
"You do?"
"Why wouldn't I?" Sho shrugs. "I think any adult would like to be seen that way by others, especially by people who work with them on a regular basis."
Jun hums. "Then… you see it as a compliment?" he asks.
"Exactly," Sho says.
"And when you say it about someone, you mean it that way too?"
"Yes."
It's not a lie, but it isn't entirely true either. When it comes to Jun, Sho only says it because it's easier to explain than anything else he might say about Jun. He just needs to point out all the magnificent work Jun does while planning Arashi's concerts and that's it. If he suddenly talked about how kind, silly and adorable Jun is when no cameras are around, that would require a more private talk—one that he's not ready to have, not until he gets rid of what he feels about Jun at the moment.
That's something he won't be saying tonight though. Not if he can help it.
Jun gives him a suspicious look. "Fair enough," he says.
Sho is about to let out a sigh of relief when he speaks up again.
"Still… I kind of wanted to hear what else you think about me," Jun says, giving Sho a small smile. "That can't be all of it, right?"
Shit.
Sho looks away, panicking a little bit. What do I say now? He racks his brains, trying to find something good to say about Jun that doesn't reveal what he feels too much. He's obviously not fast enough, for Jun's smile is already vanishing.
"Because you do think other things about me, don't you?" Jun asks, eyebrows furrowing again. His eyes narrow when Sho doesn't reply. "Sho-san?"
"I-I do! Just… just give me a moment…"
Jun gives Sho a look that makes the hair on the back of his neck stand. "I knew it," he says. "You dislike me!"
"What!? No!"
"You can't even say something about me that doesn't relate to work!" Jun says. "I knew your generic answer was meant to hide something, and this is it!"
Sho sighs, covering his face with his hands. It was, but it isn't what you think it is. When he looks up at Jun again, he can't help shaking his head. If you only knew… but you can't even imagine it, can you?
"Why do you even care?" Sho blurts out before he can think things through.
"Excuse me?" Jun's voice goes an octave higher when he replies.
Well done, loser, Sho thinks to himself with a groan after taking a glance at Jun's face. Jun looks upset, as though Sho had just insulted him. Now he's mad.
"What do you mean by that, Sho-san?"
Taking a deep breath, Sho stares right into Jun's eyes. He knows Jun won't stop pushing the matter until he gets an answer that satisfies him. However, given the current circumstances, it's very likely that regardless of what Sho says, Jun will get mad at him. And that will inevitably lead to a few weeks of awkwardness at work.
Right now, Sho has two options: he can try to lie or he can just be honest with Jun—as honest as his little secret allows, of course. Usually, he'd consider making up an excuse because it allows him to avoid confrontation, but is it of any use now? The way he sees it, they'll end up arguing anyway.
Perhaps for once, he should speak up his mind. What's the worst thing that could happen?
Here goes nothing…
"I've never had the impression that my opinion was of any importance to you when it comes to private matters," Sho says. "We are just band mates after all, and we're not particularly close."
"We used to be close."
"That we did," Sho concedes, "but wasn't that when we were teenagers? I highly doubt my opinion matters to you now as much as it did back then."
When Sho says it, something changes in Jun's expression. It seems Sho has managed to catch him off guard. Good, Sho thinks. Maybe ending this conversation won't be as hard as I expected.
"Your sudden interest in what I have to say about you confuses me. Why did you come here at this time to ask me this anyway? Did anything happen?"
Jun's eyes go wide. "No, nothing happened," he says, averting his eyes. "I just felt curious."
"Really?"
"Really," Jun says. He chews on his bottom lip, still not meeting Sho's gaze. "I was bored at home, thinking about the past and… and I somehow ended up thinking about you and how things used to be between us. And, well, I wondered if your opinion about me had improved at least a little bit since then, but it obviously hasn't."
Sho frowns. "Why do you say that?"
"Because when we were younger you didn't have a problem with telling me what you thought," Jun replies. "I knew you found me annoying and a bit pathetic for always wanting attention. Now I have no idea of what you think, and that makes me feel uneasy. How is it possible that I could read you better when we had just met than now? Does that make any sense to you?"
Sho opens and closes his mouth, completely at loss for words. That isn't the response he expected. Even worse, he has to admit that Jun has a point. He used to be more expressive due to his inability to rein in his temper. He also had a habit of taking out his stress on other people—around their early years as Arashi, Jun had the bad fortune of becoming Sho's target more often than not. While Sho doesn't think any of that was positive, he supposes that from Jun's perspective he must seem a lot more private than before.
He needs to rectify that, quick.
"Okay, first of all, I never found you annoying or pathetic, Matsumoto-san," Sho starts. "I behaved like a complete jerk, but that was it. I apologize if I ever made you feel bad about yourself."
Jun doesn't say anything, so Sho continues.
"I prefer to keep my opinions to myself instead of hurting others by saying something insensitive. And I know you're asking me directly, but I don't know how to reply! I don't want to make you uncomfortable, especially now that we're finally getting along again. I'd hate to make things awkward."
That's not a lie. They've been getting closer since a few years ago when Jun stopped giving a cold shoulder to all of Sho's attempts at trying to be on friendly terms. It'd be wrong to say that they have a good relationship now, but it's getting better. Sometimes Sho feels it's progressing at a snail's pace and wishes he had the confidence to push the invisible limits between him and Jun a little harder. He's not unsatisfied with the way things are going though.
He wonders what Jun thinks on the matter, but prefers not to ask.
"What could you possibly say that would make things awkward?" Jun asks. He stares at Sho expectantly, raising his eyebrows in question when Sho doesn't reply after a while. "Is it something negative?"
"No…"
"I can deal with it, Sho-san. Just tell me," Jun says, giving Sho a small smile—it's probably meant to be encouraging, but it's not helping at all.
Sho's heart is pounding in his chest. He struggles to maintain eye contact with Jun—he can't look away, yet he feels as though he'll combust if he doesn't do it. "I…" Sho clears his throat. "I… I think…"
"Yes?"
"I think your fashion sense is weird."
Sho closes his eyes, feeling stupid. Out of all the things I could say…
To his surprise, Jun bursts out laughing. He has his head thrown back and his mouth wide open when Sho opens his eyes, his eyes reduced to a pair of thin lines. It seems a genuine reaction—that's probably the most confusing part of it.
"You can't be serious!" Jun says, still laughing a little. "My fashion sense? Really?"
Sho shrugs. "Your hats don't match your clothes most times, and you have a really bad habit of wearing ugly beanies on bad hair days or when you're hiding a new haircut. Not to mention your collection of ugly expensive shoes."
"I'll have you know that those 'ugly' shoes are designed by the fashion industry's finest," Jun says. "And if they're good enough to go down a runway in Paris and New York, why should I care about what a camo print enthusiast has to say?"
"Hey, camo print is actually very popular right now!" Sho protests. He gets an eye roll in response.
"Whatever." Jun lets out an exaggerated sigh and then stares into Sho's eyes again. "So that was it? That was the opinion you thought would make things awkward?"
No.
"If you think I'm the kind of man who gets upset about such meaningless things, you definitely don't know me at all." Jun folds his arms across his chest, giving Sho a serious look.
Sho doesn't say anything. He looks away, feeling embarrassed about his choice of excuse, hoping Jun won't get in a bad mood.
Jun sighs. "How about this? I'll make one awkward confession and then you have to make yours," he says. "Does it sound like a fair exchange to you?"
An awkward confession from him? What can it be?
Out of curiosity, Sho agrees with Jun's suggestion.
"Alright…" Jun takes a deep breath. "I… I actually lied when I said there was no love on my side."
Sho unconsciously makes a little sound that startles Jun for a moment. The two of them blush slightly afterwards, breaking eye contact.
"Or, well, I mean…" Jun groans, running his hands through his hair. "It wasn't entirely true. It's complicated."
Sho hums in response, not daring to look at Jun yet. "Like that time you said it was different because we were boys?" he mumbles, more to himself than to Jun.
"I guess it's a bit like that, yes." Jun chuckles. "I've changed though. I'll never say I won't give you to anyone, even if I have no intention of letting someone else be with you."
Sho looks at him with raised eyebrows. "You don't mean that."
"Are you sure about that?"
Sho is. To be more exact, he thought he was up until a few seconds ago. Jun's words are making him doubt now, and he doesn't know how to feel about that. It could be a joke for all he knows, although Jun's tone didn't give him that impression.
"Sho-san…"
A hand lands on Sho's arm, making him go stiff. Jun chuckles again, scooting closer to Sho on the couch until there's no space left between them. He beams at Sho, tilting his head to the side.
"Am I making you uncomfortable already?" Jun asks. He giggles when Sho stutters while trying to give a coherent answer. "I'm not done talking yet though."
"You're not!?" Sho squeaks, surprised at how high-pitched his voice came out.
Jun attempts to hold back his laughter, which ends up with him snorting. "No," he says. "Unless you don't want to hear more about it, I mean."
"I want to hear," Sho says. He looks away when he sees a smile spreading across Jun's face, and clears his throat. "So, will you tell me?"
Jun leans his head on Sho's shoulder, sliding his hand down Sho's arm until he can place it on top of Sho's. He grins after noticing Sho doesn't mind it.
"You see… I never really got over you," Jun starts with a little laugh. "I was tired of the way you acted around me though, so I decided to stay away from you. I thought that maybe you'd realize what you had done once I wasn't around so much, but instead, you just moved on. It felt like you didn't even notice something had changed."
"I did notice," Sho says. "And I did realize that it was my fault that you didn't talk to me so much anymore."
"Did you miss me?"
"Sometimes," Sho admits. "Especially when you got a lot of new friends and started doing with them the things we used to do together.
"I could have still done them with you."
Sho shook his head. "You needed space," he says. "Besides, I didn't think I'd fit in your little clique. I had my own friends from college, so I figured it wasn't a big deal."
"It was to me!" Jun complains. "I thought you didn't care at all! You have no idea of how much I hated you for years!"
"Oh, I think I do know!" Sho smirks. He laughs when Jun playfully hits his arm.
"You should have told me you missed me," Jun says. "I would have liked to hear it back then."
"Sorry."
There's a moment of silence afterwards. Sho rests his head against Jun's and allows Jun to intertwine their fingers. His nervousness has subsided a little, but his heart continues beating excitedly. Their conversation has gone quite well in his opinion—no confrontation at all!—and they've managed to clarify some things. However, he's not certain of what he should do now.
Thankfully, he doesn't have to think much.
"It's your turn, Sho-san," Jun suddenly says. He looks excited, eyes gleaming with hope and lips curled into a smile. "Tell me."
Sho laughs. "Is there anything left to say?"
Jun pouts at him, puckering his lips in a way that makes Sho want to kiss him. So he does it before his tendency to over think kicks in. He leans forward and pecks Jun's pout, letting out a yelp of surprise when Jun pulls him back for a proper kiss.
It's not what he expected would happen when he saw Jun standing in front of his door earlier. And it's definitely not the setting he fantasized about during the few times he allowed himself to imagine how it'd be if he kissed Jun.
It's better, way better.
Jun is a passionate kisser. He does like short kisses, like he said once somewhere—Sho can't remember when it was and frankly doesn't care at the moment. He does it mostly to tease, Sho realizes: he laughs every time Sho moans in frustration after he pulls back and kisses Sho's cheek instead.
But once Sho manages to take control of the kiss, Jun doesn't seem to mind duration too much. He lets Sho slip his tongue into his mouth and kisses back with such enthusiasm that Sho actually has to make him slow down a little. Not that Sho isn't into fierce kisses, but he'd rather save them for another time. By now, he contents himself with exploring Jun's mouth slowly, making sure to make his tongue's movements as soft as a caress.
It takes a few minutes before Jun decides it's not enough. He slips his hands under Sho's shirt, running them up and down his sides while he detaches his mouth from Sho's lips to start kissing his neck.
"Matsumoto-san…"
Jun grunts, delivering a pinch to Sho's ribs. "That's not my name," he says, staring into Sho's eyes. His pupils are blown, making his eyes appear darker.
Sho rolls his eyes at him. "Jun-san."
The use of his first name makes Jun grin widely. "Yes?"
"Aren't we going too fast?"
That earns Sho another pinch on his ribs, making him hiss. Jun ducks again to continue kissing him, hands roaming on Sho's chest until he locates Sho's nipples.
"Not at all," Jun says, rubbing the nipples with his fingers. "You want me to stop?"
"No," Sho moans as Jun continues teasing his nipples. "I just thought you wanted to talk more before we did anything."
Jun narrows his eyes at him. "I did," he says, "but you kissed me! You distracted me from my original plan!"
"It's my fault then?" Sho makes a surprised face.
"It most certainly is!" Jun replies. "Now take responsibility for your actions!"
"Very well."
Jun lets out a little squeal when Sho pins him to the couch. He doesn't oppose any resistance though, especially when Sho's lips are back on his.
The intensity of their caresses and kisses escalates quickly. They discard their shirts just a few minutes later, and Sho's hands slip inside Jun's jeans shortly after.
"What happened to 'aren't we going too fast'?" Jun asks between laughs as Sho struggles to pull down his skinny jeans. He clicks his tongue. "Careful! These are YSL, okay?"
Sho glares at him. "I don't care about the brand. Why are they so damn tight?"
Jun rolls his eyes at him and stands up to take off his remaining clothes himself. "Just so that you know, our conversation isn't over," he says, pulling down his jeans along with his underwear. "We are so going to discuss this in the morning."
Sho grins. "Fair enough."
"Now… I want these ugly sweatpants off, Sho-san," Jun says. "And let's continue in the bedroom, please. I'm flexible, but I'd rather do this on an actual mattress or my back will hurt in the morning."
Then he walks away, swaying his hips and giving Sho one last look over his shoulder before disappearing through the corridor.
It feels so unreal.
Shouldn't it have been harder to get to this point? A part of Sho is already worrying about what will happen tomorrow, once they're not horny anymore. Perhaps they'll end up fighting. Perhaps they won't. Jun is so unpredictable that something completely different from what Sho considers "possible" might end up happening.
"If you're not here in five seconds, I'm starting without you," Jun yells from the room.
That's all Sho needs to hear to push his worries to the back of his mind. He gets undressed immediately and rushes to his bedroom right away. Jun is lying on his bed, looking shy when Sho's eyes meet his. He's the most attractive person who's ever been in Sho's room, and yet he's acting like he had something to be embarrassed about.
Sho can't believe his luck. He thinks he might be dreaming, except that Jun's body feels very much real under his own once he climbs on the bed. Jun is warm and soft, and his voice is incredibly sweet when he calls Sho's name between heated kisses.
If it's a dream, he doesn't want it to end.
There are so many things he wants to say, but he keeps them to himself for just another night. He's waited a long time anyway. What's a few more hours compared to the past decade or so?
By now, he'll simply enjoy the moment.
no subject
Date: 2017-09-10 12:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-09-10 03:29 am (UTC)Sho certainly lucked out and he didn't even have to confess to his feelings.
This was lovely. Thank you.
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Date: 2017-09-10 03:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-09-10 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-09-10 07:46 am (UTC)First off, I want to say that I really liked this. The writing is very nicely done, and the jumps between past and present that confused me to begin with, works very well actually. It helps describe Sho and Jun's awkward relationship in a few words and helps establish the mood.
I like that we actually don't know to begin with how Sho feels about Jun, and I also love how you hold back the name of the visitor, until the line "Only Matsumoto Jun would do something like this.", even though the reader is quite certain of who showed up angry at Sho's door in the late evening.
You included a lot of details and real facts regarding their relationship, such as Jun guesting Yakai and stating there is 'no love' and how Jun used to say 'it is different because we are both guys.' I really appreciate those small things in fics.
These two and the way they dance around each other, awkward and VERY bad with words is very nicely portrayed here and made me snort several times. The line: ""I think your fashion sense is weird."" even made me laugh. Before you then moved on to describe Jun's laugh. Did you know how much I like the way Jun's eyes scrunch up like half-moons when he laughs? I do. And it was perfectly described here. Thank you.
I love the way you describe their kisses (with the way Jun kisses in dramas, I am sure you are right that he is a passionate kisser), and I love how Sho flipped Jun and took over once his restraints and awkwardness subsided.
Thank you so much for writing me this. It was light and sweet and not overly dramatic, and just what I needed. My only regret is that there wasn't more of it. ^^
no subject
Date: 2017-09-10 12:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-09-11 07:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-09-11 10:50 am (UTC)Bad mood Jun descends upon unsuspecting Sho. And overthinking, defensive Sho ("Your fashion sense is weird" is such a lame excuse Sho-chan but you eventually got it out) tries his best.
Yay! Thank you for writing this not so anon-san!